.S. Representative James Traficant vowed not to give up his Congressional seat Thursday following the announcement of his guilty verdict on charges of bribery, racketeering, falsifying tax returns, and forcing his federal aides to dress in overalls and chew straw on his Ohio farm.

Upon hearing the guilty of verdict, Traficant, who represented himself, stated, "I accept your verdict." On the steps of the courthouse, despite his attorney's counsel, Traficant vowed to appeal the verdict.

"I refuse to accept a verdict of this nature," Traficant told the commune. "This decision, indeed these charges, have all been politically motivated. I suspect everybody involved in this trial, from the prosecution to the judge to the defense attorney to the jury is out to ruin my good name. I reject this attempt to oust me from office. I'll see to it these charges are acquitted and my attorney is disbarred."

House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt (D-Missouri) called for Traficant's resignation. Upon being told Traficant was convicted of the charges, Gephardt was unswayed and still called for his resignation.

"Mr. Traficant puts a foul mark on all congressman everywhere," said Gephardt. "His conviction on bribery charges seals the deal. He cannot be trusted to represent the people of Ohio anymore. He is exactly why people hate politicians, and has been found legally guilty of doing what everyone else is only suspected of doing."

"I might also add," continued Gephardt, "that Mr. Traficant has, in recent months, been supporting Rep. Dennis Hastert as speaker of the House. You know, Hastert? The Republican? You put it all together, eh?"

When confronted with Gephardt's statements, Traficant was resilient about keeping his seat.

"I have convictions I will not turn away from. And by convictions, I don't mean yesterday's convictions, I mean my original convictions that brought me to office." Traficant accepted an envelope from a dark-suited man which he quickly pocketed. "They have tried to convict me on these charges before, when I first began my political career. They failed then and I believe they ultimately will fail again. These are my deeply-held convictions. Once again, I mean my personal convictions, not criminal."

When questioned about the charges, Traficant spoke vaguely. "Mistakes were made. Let's just say that and nobody gets hurt."

"My only regret," continued Traficant, "was that I didn't hire bigger and burlier aides. Somebody with a little farm hand experience. At the end of the day I could've gotten twice as much done. Or hell, maybe even just hired a couple of guys to run the farm without having to pretend they work in the office. It's not like I'm running short on cash, with all the bribes and underreporting on the tax forms. But that's not a confession—I mean, that's not to say I—aw, forget it. Talk to my attorney."

srael, plagued by suicide bombers and endless terrorism on the home front came from behind Friday to invade Palestinian territory and take its leader prisoner, winning March Madness in a surprising upset.

It was a victory for Israel fans who hadn't seen an insanity play of that caliber from the country ever before. It has become almost an annual tradition for Islamic fundamentalists to take the cake in March Madness, but the unexpected break in this year's event was the shot of life many Israel fans needed.

"Who knew they had it in 'em?" said former Israeli Prime Minister and lifelong Israeli fan Shimon Peres. "I would have expected more diplomatic routes. Pleas for sanity, stepped-up security, calls for sanctions or U.N. action to ferret out terrorism in Palestine and Israel. This was truly a new level for Israel fans."

President Bush was woken early this morning to the news of Israel's shelling campaign on Yasser Arafat's headquarters. The president responded promptly, "No shit?"

Israel has claimed the larger body count for quite some time against Palestine, though terrorists from the area have held the Madness advantage. Their primary form of retaliation and attack on the state, suicide bombers, is as insane as it gets. Though Israel surprised everyone Friday with their bold move to "isolate" the Palestinian leader Arafat by shelling his headquarters and engaging Palestinian troops in armed combat.

"What a terrific show of Madness," said Britain's Queen Elizabeth, applauding in her queenly fashion.

With his troops unprepared, outnumbered, and ill-equipped, Arafat barricaded himself in his bunker as long as he could and tried to inform the world of his situation via cell phone calls to American news sources. A call to CNN's Christiane Amanpour was broadcast in the afternoon Friday. Arafat eventually reached the commune late in the evening, by which time it was obvious the esteemed Palestinian leader had been dipping into the stock of the wine cellar.

"It is time for the U.S. … if the U.S. is an opponent of terrorism they should speak out against the terrorism taking place here in Palestine. The occupation—" A loud hiccup interrupted Arafat. "Curse you! You try to poison me? You and your Israeli terrorism? I am an asshole? You are the asshole! I will fart on your children while your wife makes me breakfast. This I swear, for all of Pakistan. Wait… did I say Palestine or Pakistan? That's crazy!"

The phone was then hurled across the room as the firefight increased in Arafat's compound. Either that or he passed out.

"It is a glorious day for Israel," Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon told the press Saturday. "We have fought terrorism and won. If this does not stop the wave of lawless destruction, nothing will."

Sharon cut the press conference short when advised six Palestinian suicide bombers had detonated within the last fifteen minutes. The Prime Minister said he had previously mistaken them for celebratory fireworks.

Ted Ted here, reporting from Ted Ted's world, commonly called Flatbush, N.J. Any longtime reader of the commune should know I've been on board as a reporter since day one, at least day one of my first day, and yet I feel that we don't know each other very well, you and I, the reader and reporter. Part of that is the fact you don't have a newspaper or anything; another part of that is you can only impart so much of your personality when you're objectively reporting the news, or reporting the way I do.

All that changes now.

Red Bagel requested that someone, anyone fill this increasingly dead space on the site, and when the request goes out for someone, anyone, I certainly fit the bill. It was about time I dealt a swift kick of justice to all those things that piss me off. All I can say is, cover your nuts, world—the kicking has started.

First, though, I'll give you some background. Let's call this the Ted Ted story.

For one thing, most obvious to people when I meet them, I am a small pixie. This is not a metaphor and is not a description of my personality in any way. I am a pixie, with wings, pocket-sized, judging by usual standards of pockets. There is some disagreement about this, it's fair to state. My doctors in particular say I suffer a very rare condition that allows me to grow vestigial fleshy wings and causes my diminutive size. I am small, that much is true, but do not mistake me for having a small temper or being any less threatening because of it. I could not, as you might have heard Ramon Nootles say, be beaten-up by a crack-baby. If there are any doubts, ask Ramon how I responded to that.

Since graduating from technical school in 1998 I sought a job in the growing field of handgun repair, but various psychological profiles cruelly kept me from receiving employment involving firearms. Just when I thought the business world was going to force me into the ever-growing field of serial killing, an angry letter of mine was mistakenly published in a burgeoning alternative-news website then called the commune. It's the same one that's now called the commune. Unfortunately, they published my diatribe as a news article, "Motherfuckers Still Blowing Up Shit in Beirut," and worse, they didn't even give me a byline. When I threatened to sue, then-Editor Red Bagel claimed to like my moxy and hired me as a regular staff reporter.

Despite not having a background in journalism at all, or maybe because of it, I flourished at the commune. I made good friends, though no one else could see them, and I continued to report on the things that really bugged the hell out of me. My articles have been recognized everywhere for special awards given to journalism based on opinion more than fact, though I've never bothered to go to any of these shows to see if I won because I figure they're probably scams trying to sell me time-shares.

In addition to reporting when I feel like it, I also keep my schedule busy as the commune's publicist. It's my job to get the word out to everyone about the commune, to promote the website and its staff. When I'm not doing that, I'm usually doing a lot of other things. I'm not only a reporter, but a published author of non-fiction books like Nasty Things About People Who Aren't Famous and Ted Ted's Book of Cajun Cooking.

Is there more about Ted Ted you don't know? To paraphrase the famous quote: Shitloads. But in good time you'll find out all there is to know. Keep checking back.

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