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Alanis Morissette Relieved Age of Irony is OverSinger's long nightmare is, like, finally finished January 7, 2002 |
New York City, NY Tabitha Rooter/AP Morissette ironically wearing pajamas during the daytime
Reading from a prepared statement, Morissette went on to say, "I am like so totally happy this has happened, you know? I mean, like I'm sorry it took a whole bunch of people being killed for it to come about and all, but still, you know what I mean, right? Because, I mean, like, what if one of the guys that was in the World Trade Center that day had, like, won the lottery the day before? O...
nformed recently that the Age if Irony is now officially dead, singer/songwriter Alanis Morissette held a brief press conference near Times Square today to express her relief. Stung by past criticism regarding her incorrect examples of events that she assumed illustrated irony, Morissette told a small crowd of reporters how grateful she was that her "long nightmare has, like, finally ended."
Reading from a prepared statement, Morissette went on to say, "I am like so totally happy this has happened, you know? I mean, like I'm sorry it took a whole bunch of people being killed for it to come about and all, but still, you know what I mean, right? Because, I mean, like, what if one of the guys that was in the World Trade Center that day had, like, won the lottery the day before? Or what if he was going to win it like the day after that happened, but he couldn't because he, like, died or whatever? Or what if there were like two people in there, and it, like, rained on their wedding day? I mean, like, I think you see my point, right?"
When asked for further clarification, Morissette simply shrugged and said, "Well, you know, I'm just all like, what-ever. I mean like, you know?"
In concluding her remarks, Morissette spent five minutes twirling around in a circle with her hands in the air. She then proceeded to remove all her clothing, and walked the five blocks back to her hotel unescorted. Stigmata Spent has been on assignment in Nueva York for the past month, and wishes to report that the Puerto Rican boys there are "¡muy sabroso!"
 | India, Pakistan, Israel, Palestine to Settle Disputes in RingUnprecedented 4-country tag team match will solve all grievances January 7, 2002 |
New York City, NY Junior Bacon Israel's tough man The Yiddish Nightmare and his manager, The Colonel
Representatives of each country are going to battle head-to-head in a no-holds-barred open match Jan. 19th, dubbed my McMahon as the "WWF International Slam: World Wrestle III."
According to McMahon, details of the match are still being worked out, though the four sides have tentatively agree to a pairing, Israel and India against Pakistan and Palestine. Under the current rules as proposed, the outcome of the...
ecent events of 2001 as well as deteriorating treaties have embroiled the entire world in the disagreements of the countries of India and Pakistan as well as Israel and Palestine. Now, thanks to the negotiations of the United Nations and special arbitrator Vince McMahon, the four countries are going to settle their differences once and for all—on the mat.
Representatives of each country are going to battle head-to-head in a no-holds-barred open match Jan. 19th, dubbed my McMahon as the "WWF International Slam: World Wrestle III."
According to McMahon, details of the match are still being worked out, though the four sides have tentatively agree to a pairing, Israel and India against Pakistan and Palestine. Under the current rules as proposed, the outcome of the match could determine Palestine's acceptance of the state of Israel and their occupation of the West Bank, and foreign objects will not be banned.
Wrestlers so far chosen for the match have included India's Sacred Cow, Pakistan's The Koran Krusher, Palestine's Little Jambi Twister, and from Israel, The Yiddish Nightmare.
"These are some great wrestlers, and some great countries," said McMahon, talking from the lobby of the arena where the proposed superslam would take place. "It's about time they stopped talking and started pinning. Enough of this chosen one hoo-ha. Maybe if Allah or God or whoever wants you to win so bad, he'll make the other man tap out."
Some controversy has arisen over how well the countries will adhere to the agreed outcome, with the promise of no re-matches (unless the Pay-Per-View take triples expectations). Also, there is some debate over The Koran Krusher's friendship with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, a reported drinking buddy. If things go down hard enough on the mat, will Stone Cold step in?
"I got no interest in politics or religion," said Stone Cold, returning a phone call to the commune. "I attend the church of pain. That's all I care about. But if some lousy trash-talker like the Sacred Cow takes a folding chair to my buddy while he's helping out Little Jambi… well, that's just low-down and I can't abide that."
Democratic Senator Tom Daschle has remarked on his own suspicions that the whole thing is just another Vince McMahon exploitative extravaganza with an eye on making money rather than world peace.
"This whole thing stinks of a way to get Stone Cold into the ring with the Rock. It's just like McMahon to use the pain and suffering of hundreds of years of relations between these nations to stage some showdown. Did you see the last bout with The Yiddish Nightmare? The Rock was pacing back and forth in the stands, just waiting to pop in and throttle Danny Jalalabad. Sounds like some McMahon foreshadowing to me." the commune news doesn't need to bench 150 lbs. to be a man—besides, we've been pretty sick lately. Lil Duncan is a proud sponsor of the 2002 Jamaican bobsledding team.
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 June 1, 2003 Volume 44Dear commune:
Aren’t you just tired of all this bullshit?
Reggie Shaw
Dove Plains, GA
Dear Reggie:
We know exactly what you’re talking about. Those fussy pricks downstairs at Crochet! magazine need to be put in their goddamned place. First they have the gall to involve the police in our staff’s hallowed Annual Pogo Stick Race semifinals. We here at the commune may be a passionate bunch, given to boisterous arguments and cataclysmic displays of machismo, but we’ve never been unable to resolve our own pogo race photo finish disputes among ourselves. Sure, small-arms fire is sometimes involved, but cooler heads and Russian Roulette always prevail.
And speaking of meddling, who are they to say who can...
º Last Column: Volume 43
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Dear commune: Aren’t you just tired of all this bullshit? Reggie Shaw
Dove Plains, GA Dear Reggie:
We know exactly what you’re talking about. Those fussy pricks downstairs at Crochet! magazine need to be put in their goddamned place. First they have the gall to involve the police in our staff’s hallowed Annual Pogo Stick Race semifinals. We here at the commune may be a passionate bunch, given to boisterous arguments and cataclysmic displays of machismo, but we’ve never been unable to resolve our own pogo race photo finish disputes among ourselves. Sure, small-arms fire is sometimes involved, but cooler heads and Russian Roulette always prevail.
And speaking of meddling, who are they to say who can and who can’t keep livestock in the building’s common areas? They automatically assume it’s the commune’s goats that have been shitting in the elevator. As if their staff is above suspicion. The pricks.
Anyway, thanks for understanding. Sometimes the commune just needs to vent.
the commune
Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for those embarrassing Capri pants all the girls are wearing these days. We’re guessing a sauna mishap was responsible for those ridiculous things. But we do look forward to making snide remarks when we’re looking at photo albums ten years from now, just for the record.º Last Column: Volume 43º more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“Any man who serves as his own lawyer has a fool for a client. Because think about it, stupid, why you gonna pay some guy who didn't even go to law school? That's just dumb. And how do you pay yourself, anyway? Take your money out of one pocket and put it in the other? Silly. Or maybe you've got to hire a neutral third party to take the money and then hand it back to you, like a lawyer or somebody. Shit, this is gettin' expensive.”
-Dred Scott DrummondFortune 500 CookieYou're simply the best, and that depresses us all. The next time you're on trial for murder, don't forget to mention that a Klondike bar was involved. And if you must ask for a lawyer who can get you off, at least try not to do it with that smarmy leer in your eye. Try chewing your food an odd number of times this week, like 6,372. This week's lucky injuries: hangnail, hangankle, ruptured spleen, stabitosis.
Try again later.Top Upcoming Bourne Sequels| 1. | The Bourne Pregnancy | | 2. | The Bourne Insolvency | | 3. | The Bourne Cat Fancy | | 4. | The Bourne Schenectady | | 5. | The Bourne Macaroni and Cheez | |
|   Man Resting Comfortably After Candy Heart Transplant BY roland mcshyster 1/20/2003 Alright, who ordered the crap? Oh, it's you! America! Well, here you go then:
In Theaters
Darkness Falls
I have to admit I was pretty scared going into this one until I realized that the bad guy wasn't the tooth fairy from that Hannibal Lector book. Once I realized that it was the fuckin' tooth fairy, I broke out the airhorn. The little sprite that leaves you quarters and sells your teeth for serial killers to make into necklaces or whatever she does with them is right up there with Al Gore on my personal list of terrifying movie villains, but I'm happy to say the movie was redeemed by random blurts of high-intensity noise. For a while the audience thought the tooth fairy was driving...
Alright, who ordered the crap? Oh, it's you! America! Well, here you go then:
In Theaters
Darkness Falls
I have to admit I was pretty scared going into this one until I realized that the bad guy wasn't the tooth fairy from that Hannibal Lector book. Once I realized that it was the fuckin' tooth fairy, I broke out the airhorn. The little sprite that leaves you quarters and sells your teeth for serial killers to make into necklaces or whatever she does with them is right up there with Al Gore on my personal list of terrifying movie villains, but I'm happy to say the movie was redeemed by random blurts of high-intensity noise. For a while the audience thought the tooth fairy was driving a semi truck or something, which was pretty funny, but then I got a little airhorn-happy and had to spend the last half of the movie listening from outside.
A Guy Thing
Pretty hard to keep the storylines straight in this film, which was slightly less confusing than watching Twin Peaks on acid at Disneyland. Jason Lee porks a monkey who used to belong to an organ grinder who's the brother of his fiancée's uncle's dentist, and it's a race against time to keep her from finding out. And at the same time there's a vet who's racing against time to let Jason Lee know that the monkey he porked has the splits, or some kind of banana-eating monkey disease they made up for the movie, whatever they called it. So he's got to stop Lee before he porks again and begins the downfall of mankind. But Jason Lee once teabagged the vet while he was sleeping, and the photos are in the mail so it's a further race against time for Lee to avoid the vet and track down the highly-paranoid mailman before he delivers the package that contains the pictures of Jason Lee teabagging the vet who knows about the monkey who belonged to the brother of his fiancée's uncle's dentist. Bottom line: you have to see it twice to understand how much it sucks.
The Hours
I always wondered how you spelled the Canadian pronunciation of whores, and now I know. Nicole Kidman and a couple of other high-profile women who aren't hot enough to remember star in this disappointing feature that has very little to do with whoring and a lot to do with being boring. Calling it The Bores would have been more fitting, but I guess people would have stayed away because nobody wants to watch another goddamned movie about pigs.
Kangaroo Jack
Jack Nicholson must have a powerful yen for scaring the shit out of little kids, because he's at it again for the second time already this year. First he was terrifyingly middle-aged in About Shit, now he's a goddamned kangaroo. I wasn't sure what to make of a movie that's mainly Jack hopping around and waving his ballsack at people in a threatening manner, but after a while I realized it was all a meditation on America's role in the Middle East and from there on out I enjoyed the film.
National Security
Hilarious September 11th spoof starring Steve Zahn as George W. Bush and Martin Lawrence as Colin Powell. These guys are just in the wrong place at the wrong time all the time and their bumbling attempts to stop an international terror network will leave your pants moist with laughter. The truth hurts, but every once in a while it hurts because you're laughing too hard and your catheter pulled out or whatever. This is all the stuff CNN wouldn't let you see, and I bet that right about now they're kicking themselves that they didn't go with a comedy news format the instant W. got elected. They should show this in grade school and during voter registration.
That's that for this week, check back in two more when we'll measure the diameter of the sun in lousy romantic comedies from 2002. Until then!   |
