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Paltrow a Hollywood Pariah After Weight-Gain Roller Coaster of Shallow HalHollywood stands behind strict "No Fatties" policy December 24, 2001 |
Hollywood, CA Ramrod Hurley Actress Paltrow, pudgy and proud
"I don't know what's going on," sighs Paltrow in barely a whisper. "It's like I've got the clap or something. Nobody calls, the doorbell doesn't ring... I haven't heard from my agent in weeks."
Such is the fate of a once in-demand star who dared to play the fat girl.
"Honestly, I'm surprised nobody has tried to hollow out her chest to hole up for the winter. My God. I mean, what was she thinking?" gossiped Hollywood producer Mart Wixle.
Paltrow's star seemed to be unstoppably on the rise until her fatal miscue of accept...
idden away in the dark corners of her ranch-style Hollywood home, where thick oaken blinds strain the noontime sunlight to a dull trickle, former A-list actress Gwyneth Paltrow stares out over the rim of a vodka-and-tonic.
"I don't know what's going on," sighs Paltrow in barely a whisper. "It's like I've got the clap or something. Nobody calls, the doorbell doesn't ring... I haven't heard from my agent in weeks."
Such is the fate of a once in-demand star who dared to play the fat girl.
"Honestly, I'm surprised nobody has tried to hollow out her chest to hole up for the winter. My God. I mean, what was she thinking?" gossiped Hollywood producer Mart Wixle.
Paltrow's star seemed to be unstoppably on the rise until her fatal miscue of accepting a role in the Farrelly brothers' recent Shallow Hal, in which Paltrow plays a morbidly obese North Carolina woman. During the film's production, rumors began to surface about Paltrow's out-of-control weight fluctuations, with various sources placing her anywhere between 110 and 350 pounds on any given day.
"It was insane," stated former co-star Ben Affleck. "One day I'd see her and she'd be the same old Gwyneth, and then the next she looked like she ate a boyscout troup. It was kind of creepy. You think she got into Metabolife or something?"
"Do you think it's that rumor that I'm really a dude?" asked Paltrow during a recent interview. "That went around for a while after I did Shakespeare in Love but I thought it had died down. You never can be too sure with the internet, though. My sister seems to think it's about Shallow Hal but that doesn't make any sense. Everybody knows that was just a fat suit, right?"
"Yeah, we've all heard the fat suit line," quipped Wixle. "That one's older than Bob Hope. Eleanor Roosevelt tried to pull that once, and it was old even back then. A Hydrox cookie suit is more like it, heh."
Few are showing sympathy for Paltrow, who many claim should have taken a hint from the overwhelming public disgust shown when actress Renee Zellweger ballooned up to a corpulent 120 lbs for her role in the limey farce Bridget Jones' Diary. Starlet Julia Roberts also took a public-relations tumble when she was shown eating an entire cracker in the summer comedy America's Sweethearts.
"I mean, get with the program," continued Wixle. "Nobody goes to the movies to see fat people. Walmart's closer and they don't charge admission. People don't want to be confronted with the tubby realities of everyday life when they go to the theater. Did you see Renee in Bridget Jones? Good God, I thought she was going to reach through the screen and eat my popcorn. Somebody get me a lipo tube and a bone saw, we'd better take out some ribs. She must have force-fed herself three meals a day to bulk up like that. Talk about sick."
Paltrow's upcoming film deals appear to be in limbo as no one in Hollywood seems to be willing to share a phone line with her, thanks to rumors around town that fat might be contagious. Her fax machine is still ringing off the hook, however all recent offers have been from talk shows and companies selling miracle weight-loss herbs. Additionally, Paltrow reports that her gardener recently discovered a nest of tabloid photographers living in the azaleas in her front yard. Spraying commences on Wednesday. the commune's Ramrod Hurley takes 'em as he can get 'em... up to 110lbs. Sorry ladies, Ramrod doesn't deal in bulk.
 | Congress Snuck Legislation Through Legalizing SlaverySubversive unpublicized new law revoked Empancipation Proclamation December 24, 2001 |
Washington, DC Pete Beatly/AP Senators inadvertantly passing the slavery amendment
The legislation, introduced by Rep. Danforth H. Billy (R, Missouri), dissolves the previous Amendment which outlaws slavery in the United States and makes provisions that "white people forever take their place as the rightful leaders of all...
n the wake of the new political environment following Sept. 11th terrorist attacks, both Houses of Congress ratified a new Amendment while the public was preoccupied by the state of warfare between our nation and the country of Afghanistan. The Amendment, which undoes the Thirteenth Amendment outlawing the enslavement of human beings, received no counter arguments because everyone in Congress was "wrapped up in all this terrorist baloney," according to President George W. Bush, who failed to veto the Amendment in a frenzied signing session.
The legislation, introduced by Rep. Danforth H. Billy (R, Missouri), dissolves the previous Amendment which outlaws slavery in the United States and makes provisions that "white people forever take their place as the rightful leaders of all mongrel people everywhere."
"It's not like we thought it was a good idea or something," said Sen. Charles Schumer (D, New York), "It's just that we were passing everything. Two or three bills an hour. Nobody thought to ask what it was about. We were trying to be patriotic and all that jazz."
"That thing?" said Sen. Orrin Hatch (R, Utah). "Jiminy. I thought it was for relief for the airplane industry or something. Oh, piss. Well, I guess it won't hurt my voting base none."
The House of Representatives has since formed a committee to look into the possibility of maybe overturning the Amendment at some time in the future, as well as the questionable actions of Rep. Billy.
The new Amendment voids the Emancipation Proclamation and was passed on Sept. 22nd, exactly 139 years after the edict by President Abraham Lincoln granted slaves their freedom.
"Everybody just be patient, we'll get this thing sorted out. Probably pretty soon," said Sen. John Kerry (D, Massachussetts). "In the meantime we'll be holding special elections to replace some of our current Senators and representatives, who are now no longer able to hold office as, by law, they're now two-thirds a voter." the commune news sometimes just wants to tell everybody to kiss its ass and just take off down to Mexico, you know? Just take off. Lil Duncan is a senior correspondent for the commune and thinks she looks fat in those leather pants.
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 May 26, 2003 In Matrix is BorisHello to all readers. Or do readers say hello to Boris? Boris is all upside turned down by Matrix movie, which is too far out for Louis.
Friend Louis take Boris to see Matrix movie on condition Boris pay for ticket then go in exit door Louis hold open. Matrix is movie for kicking ass! To see movie so good as Matrix in Homeland Boris must get kicked in head by moving truck.
Matrix is top filmed action, starring cop who rides exploding bus. Cop is fantastic kung fu fighter even though not real actor, but still punches and kicks many of the same man. Over and over kung fu bus cop fight everyone in movie, to make happy audience. Even fight woman friend wearing no clothes, but audience do not see big fight finish. Must be for next Matrix!
Best part of M...
º Last Column: Goodbye War
º more columns
Hello to all readers. Or do readers say hello to Boris? Boris is all upside turned down by Matrix movie, which is too far out for Louis.
Friend Louis take Boris to see Matrix movie on condition Boris pay for ticket then go in exit door Louis hold open. Matrix is movie for kicking ass! To see movie so good as Matrix in Homeland Boris must get kicked in head by moving truck.
Matrix is top filmed action, starring cop who rides exploding bus. Cop is fantastic kung fu fighter even though not real actor, but still punches and kicks many of the same man. Over and over kung fu bus cop fight everyone in movie, to make happy audience. Even fight woman friend wearing no clothes, but audience do not see big fight finish. Must be for next Matrix!
Best part of Matrix is the smartness. Boris is easily stumped by old persons in movie who point to door and say door is not really there. Always Boris asks Louis why old persons can't not make up mind if door is door or not door and young kids in front row tell Boris to shut up mouth or to begin choking. Louis is strange and like to see old persons fucking Louis in ear.
After movie Louis is trying to tell movie story to Boris so Boris can enjoy movie after over. Kung fu cop is man who gets trapped in computers, like Boris when sticking fingers into disk drive hole, but for whole body. In computer kung fu cop must kick ass of everyone to break computer and helping out of other friends to freedom. Then all friends go to disco planet where the naked persons listen to electronic robot music.
Movie is best when making Boris think. Louis point to old persons talking because is moment to make audience smarter. Old persons ask question to kung fu cop, is you Matrix? Or is Matrix just like tiny dot on pinhead, as say Louis? All world is only trick of light like magic show and Boris only think Boris is taking shit when Boris is really in computer where shitting isn't not possible. Is circle in circle and wheel within wheel, like Jim Fucking Morrison preacher Louis love.
Shitting is crazy, Louis is right. Like when Boris and Louis watch Memento movie and stupid man always forget what happened in movie. Forgetting man shoots cartoon friend who is alive again later but is not angry because cartoon friend knows forgetting man is crazy fool. Also is movie where Louis want to see persons fucking Boris in the ear.
To Boris, Matrix is best when men jump too high and is so funny. Woman jumping in air for camera up close to naughty bits also give Boris funny sexy feeling. For fighting and sexy shiny clothes Boris is two thumbs inside Matrix. As movie for fucking in ear, Boris give to Matrix finger. Not as good as thumbs.
For Boris war movie is much better, for funny and for making everyone hate talking French persons. Is always on TV for free and not take Boris money for watching. Still not as good Wild Wild West where black cowboy raps and fights giant spider. Louis love black cowboy motherfucker but say movie is taking shit. Boris like Wild Wild West very much for fighting and loud music and blowing up houses and very glad they didn't not hurt cowboy for being black. Black cowboy is like Louis and white man is like Boris, very white, and both are good friends. Movie is like real life, no matter what Matrix say. º Last Column: Goodbye Warº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“A man cannot serve two masters. Unless they are both kung fu masters, in which case he'd better do his damned best. At least until they kill each other in a spectacular bloody finale.”
-Rod GoddFortune 500 CookieFine, the stars won't kill you with cancer like they previously promised… big baby. Time to face facts: Those laser discs you socked away are never going to go up in value. Sorry, girlfriend, no visit from the stork for you, but you will get a postcard from a half-crazed seagull. Lucky Sean Penn films: Hurly Burly, Dead Man Walking, I Am Sam, and Supreme Blow-Jobs XXVI.
Try again later.Top 5 News-Filler Stories| 1. | Idaho Kitten Says Swear Word | | 2. | Exercise May Be Good for You | | 3. | People Pay Top Dollar for Name-Brand Shoes | | 4. | Movies Really Suck Lately | | 5. | Little-Known Website the commune Offends Lone Nut | |
|   Jesus Wants to Keep Birthday Small This Year BY albert forrest hyne 1/20/2003 The Tell-Tale Cell PhoneTRUE! I am shitting bricks like some kind of gigantic house-building robot, but does that make me crazy? Fuck you if you say I'm crazy! Fuck you and all of your crazy-saying friends! Fuck you right in the antelope! Yeah, I'm crazy like the bionic man was crazy. I can see through walls, motherfucker! You come and get some of this, I'll hear your eyelashes rub together when you reach for the car door! I'll drop a safe on your ass, and I'm not talking about some little file folder box with a lock on it, I mean one of those huge goddamned gun safes you could fit a Samoan in! Still think I'm crazy? Step a little to the left, motherfucker!
I don't know why I did it, okay? People do some fucked-up shit after snorting a pound of coke. I knew a guy once who tried to paint a house wit...
TRUE! I am shitting bricks like some kind of gigantic house-building robot, but does that make me crazy? Fuck you if you say I'm crazy! Fuck you and all of your crazy-saying friends! Fuck you right in the antelope! Yeah, I'm crazy like the bionic man was crazy. I can see through walls, motherfucker! You come and get some of this, I'll hear your eyelashes rub together when you reach for the car door! I'll drop a safe on your ass, and I'm not talking about some little file folder box with a lock on it, I mean one of those huge goddamned gun safes you could fit a Samoan in! Still think I'm crazy? Step a little to the left, motherfucker!
I don't know why I did it, okay? People do some fucked-up shit after snorting a pound of coke. I knew a guy once who tried to paint a house with his dick, I'm just sayin' it gives you some strange ideas. It's true, I never had a problem with Ernesto. He was always okay by me. But tonight he showed up and he had the ringer on his goddamned cell phone playing "Somewhere Out There" and that thing was ringing like every two SECONDS. At first I figured people would eventually stop calling him but then his bitch of a girlfriend kept calling every two minutes to see if he loved her yet and that thing drove me out of my mind like in a Ferrari.
Finally I got pissed and asked him why he didn't put the thing on vibrate before I had to club him to death with a jack handle, but he said he couldn't because he had a can of Red Bull in his pocket and he didn't want the thing to get shook up and jizz all over his new pants. This seemed fair enough, but still that phone was DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY and I asked him if he could change the ringer to something else, like something by the Baha Boys or Shaggy or whatever, anything really. But he was a prick and wouldn't change it so I had to club him to death with a jack handle.
Would you still think me crazy if I told you how cunningly I disposed of the body? If you looked in the dictionary to check and make sure cunningly was really a word, and it turned out it was, what would you think then? A madman would have attempted to dispose of the body in some crazy way, like shooting it out of a cannon or trying to inflate it with helium so it would float away. Or putting fake cardboard ears on the head and saying "My dog got hit by a car!" But not I, who is not mad. I buried that novelty-ringing fucker in the bathroom. And if anyone questions the uneven tile floor in there, I will tell them I have moles. The animal kind.
Just then there came a knock at the door, and it was Terrance and his brother Marcus. At first I told them to fuck off, because Marcus is the dick who never returned my Shirelles tape, but then I realized how that might look so I invited them in. We hung out for a while talking about thong underwears and that was cool, but Marcus was going on so long my ears started to ring. Then after a while I realized it wasn't my ears at all, there was a faint ringing sound in the air, impossible to locate or ignore. That's when it hit me. THE PHONE!
Terrance scrunched up his nose when he heard it too.
"Hey man, is Ernesto here? That sounds like his goddamned phone. I hate that fuckin' thing."
"No!" I told him. "And why are you asking such stupid fucking questions? Damn is you stupid. If Ernesto was here, why wouldn't he be out here with us? What, you think he's hiding in the bathroom or something? Shit. If Ernesto was here, I'd beat his ass to death with a jack handle, that's how not here he is."
I had covered my tracks deftly but still, the phone rang on. Again and AGAIN. That stupid bitch girlfriend! Couldn't she take a hint that he was dead? By now it was becoming impossible to ignore or deny it, Ernesto's annoying goddamn phone was in my apartment somewhere! At first I had Terrence and Marcus convinced that it was just me humming "Somewhere Out There," but then Marcus asked how come I could hum and drink beer at the same time, was I some kind of ventriloqueer or something?
SHIT!! They KNEW! My eyes darted around the room for something else to blame the ringing on as it grew louder and louder. In an instant it was deafening! My head was pounding as Terrence and Marcus laughed and talked about Barbershop. Were they fucking with me?? They had to know, and now they were fucking with me! Those pricks!
"Alright you cocksuckers!" I shouted. "I confess!"
The both looked at me with genuine puzzlement. Hmm.
"I, uh… haven't seen Barbershop yet."
"Well, shit dog," smiled Terrence. "Get your coat man, we goin'."   |
