ollowing the wake of Sept. 11th terrorist attacks, many studios have aided in claiming additional victims of terrorism, namely films that may evoke emotional reactions from audience for their content. The latest victim: The long-awaited third film in the Babe Trilogy, Babe: Pig in the World Trade Center.

"I can't believe it," said film producer Dan Mook. "Here we tried to make a light-hearted, whimsical little film about a sweet talking pig who visits the World Trade Center. Talk about bad fucking luck. I mortgaged my house to get this thing made."

In this sequel, Babe, the optimistic and charming small pig with the can-do spirit, is pitted against vile Islamic terrorists of the mythical "Jizzbad" organization, who take visiting tourists hostage in the World Trade Center towers. Babe takes each of the terrorists out of commission, one by one, as a bomb ticks down, threatening to destroy the twin towers.

"Real bad fucking luck," Mook continued for a few more minutes.

OP leaders announced at a press conference yesterday that Vice President Dick Cheney would be gradually written out of the Republican party over the next few months.

"As everything progresses," said President Bush, "you'll be seeing less and less of Dick Cheney until his contract expires. He'll sink more into the background, with the idea being eventually we'll replace him entirely."

Insiders say that disappointing approval ratings and a lack of appeal among female constituents 18-49 led to the decision to do away with the Vice President. An unidentified source, namely some guy we didn't know, described the Vice President as "a bad idea from the get-go."

For months rumors persisted that the diminishing role of the Vice President was a sign that producers of the Republican party were unhappy with his performance. Continually the president denied such claims, but with recent announcements, many are taking it as proof positive the Vice President failed to live up to expectations. President Bush disagrees.

"Dick Cheney was fine for the time and place, he was instrumental to early success of the Bush administration," the president said. "But he's grown artistically, as we all have, and would prefer to pursue solo projects at this time. And we in the administration feel like the Vice President position would be better served by someone else as well, so the parting is amicable."

GOP analyst Milton Monopoly has another version of the story.

"Let's face it, the president is a much bigger hit than anyone expected. You got this fairly young tough-guy president and who's covering his back? An ancient legislator," Monopoly said. "Okay, he was interesting in the beginning, the reckless young president and the wisened old congressman with the bad ticker, sort of like a 'Jake and the Fat Man' team up, or 'Hardcastle and McCormick.' But he never pulled the ratings like Bush did, so they axed him. It was obvious from a few months in he was on his way out, then when the terrorist plot was in full steam he's mysteriously missing all the time when as Vice President he should be knee-deep in it like the president. Everybody in Washington knew Cheney was being written out, especially Cheney."

Monopoly suggested Cheney would be replaced immediately, and a replacement may already be on the way in.

"Some people are saying Guiliani, but that's unrealistic, the president won't have some guy who's a huge threat to him. The more obvious choice, and what I think they're going to do, is Colin Powell. There's a lot of excitement there, with Powell being a former military man and Bush an administrator with not as much 'street' experience. Plus, there's always the exciting racial tension. You're talking a party that everybody will be tuning in to."

You know how you can really piss off a total stranger? Insist they don't know anything about tennis. Everyone from John McEnroe down to Tommy Chong will take offense at a statement like that. Doesn't matter if they've never picked up a racquet before in their lives. It's like a self-esteem thing or something. Everybody likes to think they know about tennis.

Or even better, lump them in with an entire group of people who don't know anything about tennis. You'll be lucky if you make it out of the room alive.

"I don't care what anybody says, the Russians don't know shit about tennis."

This works even better if they're not even Russian, because then they're twice pissed. Once because you think they know jack about tennis, then all over again because you thought they were Russian. You're begging for a belt-whipping at that point. Even if they themselves think Russia is kind of cool, they'll still assume you're trying to start some shit by the insinuation.

Don't even try bringing it up in a fancy restaurant, unless you know how to Jackie Chan your way out of there. People who eat at fancy restaurants are especially insecure about their grasp of tennis. It's like the saying goes; there are a few things you just can't bring up in pleasant conversation. The KKK, botched abortions, tennis, gay sex… there are a few more, I can't remember the whole quote right now.

After you've got a guy fired up about you thinking he knows dick about tennis, a good strategy to push him to the edge is to accuse him of making up words. This is classic. If he says something like "Actually, I'm quite familiar with tennis, I've been a member at the club since I was an adolescent." You counter like "Adolescent? Cripes man, are you autistic? Speak English." I once had a guy try to kill me with an ice statue of a duck after I used that one. Thank God ice sticks to your hands, or I might be walking around wearing a frozen mallard hat to this day.

Every once in a while you'll come across some hotshot who actually is a tennis pro of some sort, the dude looks like Ivan Lendl because he is Ivan Lendl. Don't worry, you're not as screwed as you might think in this situation. If he starts quoting off obscure rules or matches, just start mixing up sports. "Well, that makes sense, if you're bowling, but I'm talking about tennis." If the dude just won't give up, the coup de ville is to say "Oh, you're right. That IS tennis. I was thinking about rugby. You really play tennis? Pretty gay, dude." They you walk away like you can't believe you wasted your time talking to him. I did that once at Wimbleton after I wandered over from a stag party across the street where the toilet was busted and that guy was so pissed I thought his mustache was going to kill me all by itself.

All this just goes to show that everything in life has a purpose. It's like golf. I used to think golf was pointless until I realized what it really is. They give you weapons, stick you in a little car and say drink all you want. It's like being in South America, anything goes. The holes are just there so you have old people to slalom around.

Same thing with tennis. For years I thought it was there just to keep weekend TV from being too fun. You know, some kind of conspiracy run by bars and movie theaters and shit. Then I realized it's like a built-in argument starter. Dude doesn't even have to speak English, if you can pantomime "You don't know a goddamned thing about tennis" you've got yourself a bar fight, in any culture. It's like a gift from the shit-starting Gods.

Bricks out.

º Last Column: Omar Bricks: Modest as a Motherfucker
º more columns