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CNN Charged with Leaking Vital InformationOctober 15, 2001 |
New York, NY SANWAT SITIEU/AP Osama bin Laden's headquarters, before the missile attack
On Oct. 10th, the Attorney General charges, a regular broadcast of news covering American retaliation on Afghanistan was interrupted by a news bulletin handed to news anchor Andrea Thompson.
“This just in: ‘Duck, bin Laden! Look out! Behind you! Get down!” Thompson stated frantically, jumping up and down and gesturing downwards.
The report, the Department of Defense states, was intercepted instantaneously by Osama bin Laden and his Al Qa...
merica’s Cable News Network, CNN, owned by the AOL-Time-Warner Corporation, has been charged with leaking vital information threatening national security after a broadcast of intricate military strike operations allegedly interfered with U.S. attacks on Afghanistan and the Al Qaeda terrorist networks. On Oct. 10th, the Attorney General charges, a regular broadcast of news covering American retaliation on Afghanistan was interrupted by a news bulletin handed to news anchor Andrea Thompson. “This just in: ‘Duck, bin Laden! Look out! Behind you! Get down!” Thompson stated frantically, jumping up and down and gesturing downwards. The report, the Department of Defense states, was intercepted instantaneously by Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda terrorist network through an illegal cable hook-up obtained for an extra $50 to the cable guy. At that moment, bin Laden and his associates ducked and missles flew harmlessly over their heads, destroying innocent civilian sites and leaving the Al Qaeda network unharmed. “This grievous, I even charge treasonous behavior will not be tolerated,” Attorney General John Ashcroft raged. “I support the freedom of the press as much as the next guy.” Ashcroft then gestured to Sen. Orrin Hatch, conveniently standing by. “But in this case, CNN endangered an operation that could’ve saved the lives of many Americans, civilian and military. Why couldn’t you keep your big mouth shut?” This is not the first time the Cable News Network has been accused of interfering with national security interests. In 1989, charges were leveled against CNN for a report that allegedly allowed Manuel Noriega to escape a U.S. military operation. “Don’t go in there, Noriega!” then-correspondent Bobbie Battista screamed from her anchor desk, as Noriega reportedly was about to enter an airport where U.S. Navy S.E.A.L.s awaited him. “No! Not that door, stupid! The back door, get out the back! Jesus, look out! They’re all around you!” Noriega did not escape capture, and despite arguments from detractors of CNN, the happy victory allowed CNN to get by with only a stern warning. Officials now say if Osama bin Laden and his Al Qaeda network commit more atrocities in the U.S., CNN will face numerous backlashes, including possible charges of treason and the caning of Larry King. The commune news is out of order, you’re out of order, this whole damn court is out of order. And so’s the vending machine. Ramon Nootles is positively yummy on crackers.
 | Strip Club Flag WarsNational pride measured in cheap Taiwanese flags. October 15, 2001 |
San Francisco, CA Ralf Turkel Our national pride will smother you all
At the Mitchell Brothers O'Farrell Theater, three full-size flags have been flying proudly above the marquee, which announces the latest show as "Red, White and Nude." We spoke with owner Jim Mitchell, who said "Actually, it's mor...
n the days since the National Tragedy of September 11, when real estate prices in lower Manhattan took a tumble, every business and home in the U.S. has been displaying the American flag in an effort to show their patriotism and shame anyone without a flag into running to their local Wal-Mart or Raley's in hopes of finding some cheap Taiwanese facsimile of the Stars and Stripes. Here in San Francisco, the Flag Wars have erupted between two competing strip clubs within a block of each other, and the fighting promises to get nasty as the weeks wear on.
At the Mitchell Brothers O'Farrell Theater, three full-size flags have been flying proudly above the marquee, which announces the latest show as "Red, White and Nude." We spoke with owner Jim Mitchell, who said "Actually, it's more correctly known as the Mitchell BROTHER Theater these days, ever since I shot ol' Artie back in the early '90s and spent a few years in the joint for it. But anyway… yeah, we figured the right thing to do was to fly the flag in honor of all those potential lap-dance patrons that will now never know the pleasure of having a fine peroxided blonde with silicone hooters sit down and try to cajole twenty-dollar bills out of them for a minimum of sexual contact. It seemed like the least we could do, given the circumstances."
To that end, Mitchell installed two flagpoles on either side of the existing one above the marquee, and is now flying the flag in triplicate. "We've got three," he pointed out, standing on the sidewalk in front of the theater, where two of his surgically-enhanced bimbos and a male bouncer were taking a cigarette break. "That club down on Larkin," he added, referring to the New Century Theater, "only has two."
At the New Century, no one would comment, except to say that they were "just as goddamned patriotic as that bastard Jim Mitchell, who can come down here and kiss my red, white and blue ass." This reporter did note, however, that there were only two American flags flying above their marquee, which advertised "Girl on Girl Shows" and "Bachelor Parties Welcome." It also appeared that one of the dancers at the New Century was wearing a G-string with a stars and stripes motif, but it was extremely dark, so it could have been something else. Stigmata Spent is a 6'4" pre-op transsexual with linebacker thighs and processed hair who still enjoys a good lap-dance every now and again. Her best friend in the world is Ladyboy Smacky, who, I swear, looks just like Jayne Mansfield on crack, honey.
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 April 14, 2003 Volume 40Dear commune:
Thanks for standing up for me back at the bar, dickcheese. I thought we were friends.
Sincerely,
Randy Moate
Riverview, KS
Dear Randy:
Though we appreciate your mail, we must stress the fact that the commune is a news organization made up of numerous individuals, office equipment, free-roaming egos and a Ford Fiesta we use for beer runs and other official business. We’re flattered by the feeling of closeness you have for our organization, however it is a logical impossibility for the commune as a whole to be considered your "friend" in any conventional sense. That having been said, we might stand up for you more often if you didn’t get in a dick-waving contest every time you get half a drink in ...
º Last Column: Volume 39
º more columns
Dear commune: Thanks for standing up for me back at the bar, dickcheese. I thought we were friends. Sincerely, Randy Moate
Riverview, KS Dear Randy:
Though we appreciate your mail, we must stress the fact that the commune is a news organization made up of numerous individuals, office equipment, free-roaming egos and a Ford Fiesta we use for beer runs and other official business. We’re flattered by the feeling of closeness you have for our organization, however it is a logical impossibility for the commune as a whole to be considered your "friend" in any conventional sense. That having been said, we might stand up for you more often if you didn’t get in a dick-waving contest every time you get half a drink in you, asshole.
the commune
Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for Barry Switzer of Elk Plain, MO. What’s with that guy, anyway? Talk about an Olympic-caliber jerk. Man. the commune would love to know what makes that guy tick. Some kind of high-octane asshole fuel, we think.º Last Column: Volume 39º more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“Don't run if you can walk. Don't walk if you can stand. Don't stand if you can sit. Don't sit if you can lie down. Don't like down if you can sleep. Don't sleep if you can be put into a medically induced coma. Don't be put into a medically induced coma if you can kick back in an iron lung and have machines shit for you. Don't do any of that if golf is on TV.”
-Lazy Larry LisbaineFortune 500 CookieYou're gonna die this week. Sorry we couldn't put a more clever spin on that. In the meantime, try pouring sugar on your cereal instead of milk. Fuck it, what's anybody gonna do about it now? If it's any consolation, almost everyone in the world doesn't know you're alive anyway. This week's lucky coffin models: Dirt Rocket III, Econo-Sarcophagus Jr, The Spruce Moose, Office Max Moving Box Model 223117, The Bobsled to Hell, Spring-Loaded Jokester's Delight, Seventh Generation Biodegradable Grandma Sack, foot locker in your ex-boyfriend's closet.
Try again later.Top 5 Reasons Facebook is Losing Users| 1. | My fucking parents are on Facebook | | 2. | Cockbook siphoning away gay users | | 3. | Fickle masses already moving on to next David Fincher movie craze, Pogs | | 4. | Tiny fraction of Zuckerberg karma coming back on the installment plan | | 5. | Facebook is retarded | |
|   Ivan Nacutchacokov Reports from Afghanistan: "GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF AFGHANISTAN!" BY roland mcshyster 11/11/2002 What's the haps, America? Like all other entertainophiles out there I was glued to the TV for the Winona Ryder trial. Who could believe they would find her guilty, just because they had her on tape and caught her in a few lies? Let the message go out to all celebrities: If you are no longer on the A-list and try to get away with a misdemeanor crime, YOU WILL PAY.
There, sorry to get so serious on everybody. But now for the fun stuff—movie city, here we come!
In Theaters
8 Miles of M&Ms
If I've said it before, that's one time I said it: I don't watch documentaries. They're always the same boring thing, some political message against CEOs of car and shoe companies or...
What's the haps, America? Like all other entertainophiles out there I was glued to the TV for the Winona Ryder trial. Who could believe they would find her guilty, just because they had her on tape and caught her in a few lies? Let the message go out to all celebrities: If you are no longer on the A-list and try to get away with a misdemeanor crime, YOU WILL PAY.
There, sorry to get so serious on everybody. But now for the fun stuff—movie city, here we come!
In Theaters
8 Miles of M&Ms
If I've said it before, that's one time I said it: I don't watch documentaries. They're always the same boring thing, some political message against CEOs of car and shoe companies or some film crew getting lost in the woods looking for a witch. But when a movie's good, it's good regardless, and 8 Miles of M&Ms is amazing! Allow me to get the obligatory quote for the commercial ball rolling by saying, " 8 Miles of M&Ms is a sure-fire Oscar contender—no, winner! Winner! It does for rap music and M&Ms what E.T. & T. did for phone companies and Reese's Pieces." Wow, that kicked ass. I'll expect my name to be included on the guest list for some of those Hollywood premieres from now on.
The Santa Clause 2
I was not a big fan of the first installment of this franchise, even though I love that Buzz Lightyear in almost anything. But this one is a big improvement. The whole premise of the movie—that Santa Claus spends his other 364 days as a trial lawyer in civil litigation suits—is pretty sketchy, but this one is livened up by a dramatic drinking problem as ol' Santa Claus proves even though he's a lawyer he can't pass a bar. Donner and Blitzen's intervention is a real tear-jerker, and not to ruin the ending or anything, but it's all worth watching just to see what that curmudgeony old judge gets in his stocking.
Punch-Drunk Love
Why can't everyone just leave Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston alone? Sure, she's a crack addict with a darling voice and he's a brutal, talentless lump who whips her ass like he's paid to do it, but I wouldn't want everybody sticking their nose into my private life if I married a more talented celebrity then started abusing her, driving her into drug abuse. As a film, the melodrama is in full effect, but you have to admit casting Adam Sandler was a brave choice, though I will always prefer Whitney's version of "The Bodyguard Song" to his.
I Spy
I hope somebody got his ass handed to him for this clunker of a movie. Remember when I said I wish Hollywood would try something daring and different? Well, I take it back, they should stick to formulaic and proven. When they try to do something new it's always crap like this, a 90-minute version of the famous car trip game. An hour and a half straight of a filmed trip to Wisconsin, and we're all supposed to have fun pointing out things on the screen and hoping our seat neighbors can guess it from our clues. Bump that! The good news is that the dismal failure of this one has resulted in Hollywood scrapping its planned film version of "The License Plate Game."
Femme Fatale
You know the Roland McShyster motto, "If it's French, don't see it"? I broke that rule of mine when I saw a poster for this one with that sexy Rebecca Romaine-Lettuce on it, and I'm glad I did. What a kick-ass movie! The French didn't screw this one up, amazingly enough. Sexy Steve Buscemi is a cyber geek whose girlish throw gets him routinely pounded on by a bunch of frat guys, until a magic genie (Rebecca whosits) turns things around. Now Steve can kill whoever gives him any backtalk, and he becomes an inspiring role model for all the geeks around him. I love it when jocks get the tables turned on them and creepy weirdoes end up with superhot model chicks.
That's a bag of movies, collected and finely crushed into powder by yours truly for your entertainment pleasure. But don't leave me to have all the fun, America! Get out there and see some movies of your own, or make them, if you have a friend. Just don't show them to me.   |
