n an impassioned plea to Washington legislators today, spokespeople for the commonwealth of Beverly Hills announced the need for federal aid to help rejuvenate their blighted neighborhoods. Spokesperson Corkey Wells commented:

"It's really sad what's become of our once-prestigious community. Hardly a day goes by that I don't see scores of former child stars sitting on their lawns, drinking 40 oz wine spritzers while daydreaming about the time Solest Moon Frye came to their pool party in the eighth grade. And it's getting awfully hard to keep Scott Baio from stealing the emeralds out of my pool filter! Our neighborhoods are truly in decline. Why, just the other day I saw Tom Berringer driving an American car! Yes I did!"

Washington legislators could not be reached for a stag party. I mean, comment. Screw this.

owing to take his crusade all the way to the Michigan Militia if necessary, local crackpot Abenheimer Sludd announced his plans today for a countrywide switch to unisex restrooms in all public buildings. Lavatory reformers from all points along the political spectrum were galvanized by Sludd's proposal, and his lighted trousers which flashed in sequence, apparently powered by a large car battery strapped to his hip.

"The time has come for America to lead the Europeans out of the dark ages of puritanical shithouse politics," said Sludd, wiping his brow with a rubber snake.

"In an age where your neighbor in the next stall over could be..." Sludd paused as a crow worked its way out of his coat pocket and flew away. "Anyone from Maryann Manson to Hillary Rodman Clinton, it's time to let arbitrary distinctions such as 'sex' fall by the wayside. The uncounted abundance of different sexual orientations making themselves known in society today, in addition to the unprecedented fashion sense of our young people, makes it nearly impossible for restroom segregation to fulfill its intended purpose!"

Sludd grabbed his leg like a machine gun and farted before continuing.

"In the days of our four fathers, one could be reasonably sure that the gent standing at the next urinal over wasn't contemplating asking you out on a date while casting a sly glance at your Ben Johnson. Or that the 'lass' in the next stall down wouldn't mosey on in and take a drippey-doo standing up! We live in some baffling times, and it's time to acknowledge this in the area by which any civilization is judged, its water closets. It's time to tell the world that America knows what's up! Therefore I propose simple, unisex restrooms uniformly placed across the land. Restroom construction, which hampered America's growth in the last fiscal year and caused much of the deficit, will be cut in half.

"Now I'm no restroom architect, not by far. Or at least the state licensing board doesn't think so. But I don't see how we could go wrong with a classic restroom design consisting of a simple round trough in the middle of the room, where everybody can just get it all out in the open and say 'This is who I am! Live with it!' I'd even go so far as to say this might solve some of our greater social ills, you never can tell. Vote Gypsy!" Sludd shouted as a finale, before climbing onto a tricycle with an enormous front wheel and very slowly and unsteadily riding away.

Ramrod Hurley, Acting-Editor and top dog here at the commune. And after an insulting post card from absentee Supreme Leader Red Bagel last week, I'm proud to announce a new and fearless direction for the commune.

As an editor, I find myself frequently reading the commune. And well, I've noticed how we can sometimes seem unsupportive of the administration and the country at large. Our frequent urges to overthrow the government and assassinate the bourgeoisie may seem adversarial at times, but it has all been in good fun. Deep down, we love the leader of the free world and feel strongly for George W. Bush as well. And it's time we let it show.

Yep, as suggested forcefully by Red Bagel, we're starting a proud new tradition of agreeing with the White House here at the commune. Having our own opinion was fun for a while, but now there's a war on, and it's time to step up to the plate and yes-man our country. Make no mistake, we'll still be a powerful alternative source of news in the future; but our alternative source of news will be the White House.

Poll after poll reported in the objective media show sentiment runs extremely high that the president is doing the right thing, and we couldn't agree more now. After months of questioning the president's push to move into war very quickly and refusal to wait for sanctions, we realize that the president has information that we could never truly fathom and provides all the evidence of weapons of mass destruction within Iraq anyone would need.

It is high time those resisting the president's attempts to bring freedom to Iraq got on board the freedom train. Everyone by now knows Saddam Hussein is the master of lies, like the snake in the Garden of Eden as depicted in the Bible—which we now know is entirely factual.

Previous insinuations President Bush is a war-hungry, dim-witted cowboy who terrifies the rest of the world with his hardline conservative agenda were perhaps a bit harsh. His mastery of English language and foreign diplomacy are superior to all previous presidents, and he clearly won by mandate the 2000 election without manipulation of political figures placed by the Republican party. He does not look at all like a monkey.

A daring new commune? You bet, folks. It's more important than ever in a time of conflict against the greatest evil mankind has ever known to show solidarity. Any of those not showing solidarity at the commune will be fired quickly, and I've got a particularly close eye on Raoul Dunkin.

It's an exciting new world of forcing democracy on the rest of the world, and I'm excited about it. As a lifelong Libertarian, I recognize the importance of establishing laws around the world in the lawless regions outside of America. Iraq will be a better place for our involvement, and after that, North Korea, then Iran, and maybe we'll eventually have brought democracy to every small region of the globe, even Florida.

º Last Column: Mutiny on the Bagel
º more columns