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February 17, 2003
Click for Biography

Volume 36

Dear commune:

Dude sends you a piece of paper over the phone line, and it's not mail anymore. But then dude sends you a dirty joke that never existed on paper or in the real world, just some doodles on your screen, and suddenly it's mail again? Bullshit.

Smack Randolph,
Peachfuzz, UT


Dear Smack:

Though the commune would love nothing more than to respond to your thrilling question, Smack, office chunkhead Bludney Pludd just discovered that you can just shake Bac-Os straight into your mouth, you don't need a salad or nuthin', and we need to get in on that action before those delicious little bacon-like space flakes are gone. the commune is sure you understand....Read more...

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Quote of the Day
“Love is blindness, deafness, muteness, retardation, spinal bifida, shingles, crotch rot, Alzheimer's, malaria, gout, rubella…”

-Doctor Love
Fortune 500 Cookie
Don't spit, shit, or knit into the wind this week; as a matter of fact—stay out of the wind entirely. And those gibberish Mariachi lyrics you've been humming for the last three years—time to give that a rest. You will be mortified this week to discover that the family camping trips you've been repressing since childhood were the inspiration for Brokeback Mountain, and that you're not actually related to your uncle Phil. This week's lucky colas: Mister Flat, Diet Riot, Vanilla RBX174, Buurp, Cherry Fairy, PreP, Pepsi-dAC.


Try again later.
Top Signs You May Be Obese
1.File footage of your last beach trip keeps turning up on evening news "Obesity in America" segments
2.Telemarketers disgusted by sounds of your constant eating
3.Farm animals instinctively panic in your presence
4.Buffet mysteriously closed no matter when you arrive
5.You stopped for a snack in the middle of reading this list
Last Issue
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BY wes thurmon
8/5/2002
My New Lifestyle
Monday, August 5, 2002
If I could ever be
as free as a tree,
I'd pee only Brie.
My neighbors would see
the beauty of me.

I'd sing like a duck
and have all the good luck.
I'd dance for a buck
and sleep in a truck
I bought for a buck
and I'd laugh "Nyuk nyuk nyuk."

What a beautiful day!
I almost wish I was gay
and I lived in L.A.
What more can I say?
What a wonderful life that would be…

Eating green spinach pie,
reading about Princess Di.
Pausing briefly to sigh
"These sad books make me cry!"
But this dark purple tie
is so stylish, I could die!
But I won't 'cause it's great to be me…

Yes this is the life Read more...