Quote of the Day

“I have not yet begun to finish my senten…”

-John Paul Jones

Fortune 500 Cookie

Everything’s looking up this week, to avoid making eye contact with you. At long last it has become clear that your master’s degree in goat teasing was a total waste of time. Everyone knows sneezing into your sleeve is just good manners, you should try the same when you break wind. On the bright side, we showed a picture of you to a time-traveler who stopped by the office last week, and he said "Oh Jesus, that guy?" so apparently you’re well-known in the future. This week’s lucky gadgets: HP iPlaid (launching next week on clearance), Samsung MySlate laptop-sized smartphone, iRobot Chippy: Autonomous Quadrotor Personal Killdrone, Sonicareless dental apathy kit, Windows 7 Phone in Bluescreen Blue.

Try again later.

Combustible rustable
grannies come marching
in waves from the caves
with their zinc eyebrows arching,
in tunics with tonics
electric on their lips,
cities of biddies descend on our ships.

"Great Montezuma!"
cried Macbethle Macwire
as the deck pitched to starboard
and the riggings caught fire.
"We'll be beaten and eaten
and forced to buy crafts!
I'll boil the oil while you
man the space-rafts!"

I sketched our escape by the nape of our nuts:
We'd man the space rafts and save our space butts
while brave but slow-running Macbethle Macwire
dropped that hot oil on the grandmas entire.

My plan went off like a stitch without hitch
as Macwire poured the oil on every space bitch
whose mechanical claw gripped the side of our boat
and their eyes looked surprised as they fell in the space moat.

But the grannies kept coming in tens and in twos,
with their levatrons humming and their New Balance shoes
squeaked like the shrieks of a million-sheik mob.
Pervis was nervous and Bruce saw fit to sob.

It was then I decided our goose had been cooked
and stuffed full of bread crumbs, our flight to hell booked.
When out of nowhere the grannies all disappeared,
quite to the shock of me, Petey and Bluebeard.

We found them reclined in the caves unaware
of our presence, they napped and snores filled the air.
We crept into space without a noun or a verb
and there on the space map, we marked "Do Not Disturb."