the commune, 4/7/26: You'll learn to love it or die trying

Rock the bloat

November 25, 2002

The Net Lacks Fake Nude Clarissa Coleman Pics

the commune's Clarissa Coleman reveals all, but none of it's hers

º Last Column: Giving Celebrity Shoplifters a Bad Name
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I've not had any luck finding much information about myself online. Ever since www.heresyourdaddy.com went defunct and website operator kittyfan became unreachable, the web has become a very barren place for Clarissa Coleman information. Sure, I can find some Who's Your Daddy episode guide information on some lame websites, but none of them have ever kept current information about yours truly and a lot of them continue to spread that vicious urban legend that I was killed by Son of Sam, even though his murder spree was about 3 or 4 years before our show even came on. Believe it or not, I haven't even found anything on the commune, so if you're reading this it's by fate or luck or the grace of God or you surely must be part of some marketing audience or something.

I got desperate enough for some word, any word of me online that I did a search for "clarissa coleman nude" and, with baited breath, awaited the search results. You believe nothing?!? I mean, come on! It's not like I ever posed for any nude photographs or anything, but aren't there legions of internet weirdoes out there cutting and pasting heads onto bodies just for larks or fetish purposes? I swear I went to one site and saw the head of Benji on Charlize Theron's topless body. Don't I rate like Benji?

I would say I have fairly realistic goals. I'm not trying to compete with Alyssa Milano, I know she's the queen of nude internet searches, and I let her have that. I'm not asking to challenge anybody's spot, but isn't there one person out there putting my head on some Playboy playmate body or something?

I even went to some rare spots like www.seemyexgirlfriendnaked.net to see if a former flame was looking to score revenge against me for all the wrongs I did. Nada! It's like none of my fans want to see me naked bad enough to cut and paste my head into some badly-lit shot. I get e-mail all the time telling me I should cum and see Britney's secret blow-job video. I'm not asking for some blow-job video, I'm just talking a tasteful little topless number of some kind. It doesn't have to match. Hell, it doesn't even have to be pasted, take some girl who kind of looks like me and tell everybody it's me. She could be Asian even, as long as somebody made the effort.

Nothing says you're off Hollywood radar when there's nobody trying to fake your nudity on the web. That's how you know Martha Raye and Phyllis Diller are hopelessly past their prime. I think I even saw a site with faked Dionne Warwick nude pics. At least I hope they were fake. Brrr! That's gonna keep me up tonight.

It's true, it's not impossible to see me naked. There's a little bit of nudity in that B-movie Orgasma on the Moon I did, and there may still be copies of my butt circulating from that Christmas party at NBC a couple years ago. Hell, stumble into my apartment at the wrong time of the night and you can catch me wearing nothing but my sunglasses and Jiffy Pop-style disco hatâ€”not that I'm inviting any of you freaky fans to do that. Oh, hell, yeah, I'm inviting you to do that. Just once, just so I know you're out there.

You can tell it's starting to bother me just a bit, meaning a whole hell of a lot. I'm a pretty former child star and I've got a body like a brick tithouse so somebody out there should be fabricating images of me, even if just for their personal enjoyment. If I don't start seeing some evidence of that soon I may take it upon myself to launch my own website. I'll get my friend Ernie, the web-genius (he manages the very popular Dancing Bob Saget site) to help me with the HTML and Photoshop a few pics for me. Right now I'm leaning toward Halle Berry's body, but the only photos I could find of her show her humping Sling Blade. I'm not sure that's the kind of image I want to project, but hey, I'm open-minded.

º Last Column: Giving Celebrity Shoplifters a Bad Name
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Quote of the Day

“Do unto others how you would do unto somebody who you knew for sure would do the same stuff back to you that you did to them, only in reverse. On second thoughtâ€¦ just be nice, okay asshole?”

-Beazus Frist, CPA

Fortune 500 Cookie

Nobody likes a smartassâ€¦ wait a minute, everybody loves a smartass. It's you they don't like. In an effort to make your personality more rounded and appealing, try learning the Tibetan Touch of Death this week. Remember, God made it hard to get your tongue into your own ass for a good reason. This week's lucky prescriptions: Cockgromax, Deuglycontin, Halitosinex, Slopecia, Lilpenihance, Fucoft.

Try again later.

What Was That Guy Screaming?

1.	Four fewer years! Four fewer years!
2.	"Don't Worry, Be Happy" Bobby McFerrin, 1988
3.	I think I'd notice if my hearing aid battery had died, you crusty old bitch!
4.	Rectum? I nearly destroyed his anus!
5.	I have difficulty modulating my voice!

BY christopher poppins

4/1/2002

The Necklace Comes From the Ocean
Gruff lumberjack Tug Denton was chopping wood on a Friday afternoon. It was cold in the northwest, where he worked as a lumberjack. Tonight he would likely curl up by the fire with his dog and read a book, or a dirty magazine. It was a lonely life, but he had his dog and the fire and the book and/or magazine.

That was before urbanite Mitzi Calligan walked into his life.

It was that Friday afternoon she did, so it wasn't much before. She drove up in her smart urban Toyota onto Denton's logging property. She looked very unfamiliar with the outdoors, which made Tug grin on his manly face.

"Are you Tug Denton?" she asked, to which he agreed. "I've been hoping to find you. I found this."

"This" she was referring to was an object in her hand. S...