Hey there kids and kidophiles, welcome to Roland's neck of the woods for another stab at finding something fun to do this weekend. We're here once again to poke the bloated, gassy corpse of this week's new releases with a stick to see if it makes any funny noises.
And should you find yourself with any extra expendable income this weekend, why not make a contribution to The Roland McShyster House? We help culturally disadvantaged kids find stuff to do when they're bored, like clean my boat or weed a ravine. And what's better, it counts as community service in the eyes of the court, and that's hard to beat! So what the hell, spend a buck or two, or several exponential multiples of two dollars, to make a kid feel like he's earning his keep. It might even relieve some of that guilt you've been feeling about renting all that Asian porn lately.
And you don't need the money, trust me. Most of these movies suck anyway.
On to the movies!
In Theaters Now:
Don't Say a Word
Sometimes, when a studio gets ready to put out a movie and, in the final polishing stages, they realize that the script was written by an inbred hillbilly flypaper salesman while he was drunk on Rogaine, and the resulting movie is so bad that the print actually smells like cat pee, they try to control the damage by not letting critics see the film before it's released. This is known in the business as "Sneaking the Farmer's Daughter Out to the Barn While the Farmer is Passed-Out Drunk and in a Full-Body Cast". Sometimes this works, and sometimes all the cat pee causes the film to catch on fire and the audience revolts, dropping their popcorn on the floor and spilling out into the streets to overturn traffic safety cones and kick tumbleweeds. Other times, the film is so unbelievably bad that the studio sets up a secret bribe system for all of the nation's film reviewers (except Rex Reed, he likes everything anyway and just reviews movies to get attention), which they subtly tip off in the film's title. I read you loud and clear, guys! Wink. Wink.
Jeepers Creepers
I love those two cartoon crows as much as anyone, but thanks to the civil rights movement it's just not as funny watching Jeepers and Creepers banter on about how they have to use a different bathroom than Woody Woodpecker and how they're going to catch him in a sack with a wolverine and throw it in the river. And it's really not fair, since these are classic characters and people should just learn to have a sense of humor about wolverines.
Meggido: The Omega Code II
Offending censors and parents' groups like no film since "Barney Does the Alpha-Betty", this gangsta-rap opus smokes it's way onto the screen with more bitch-slappin', doggy-stylin', barely-conscious thug mayhem than the last three Sally Fields movies combined. This is a must-see if you have a girlfriend or mother who runs your life but are too whack to stuff a Gat up her ass yourself.
The Princess Diaries
Look, if you're going to make a book into a movie, rule A is that it probably shouldn't be a phone book, the bible, or one of those little books full of annoying sayings that make middle-aged women feel better about smothering their children in their sleep. This turkey tot breaks subsection three of the above rule, trying to turn Princess Di's self-help bestseller into a two-hour commercial for Princess Di's self-help bestseller. Call it Chicken Soup for People Who Like Crap.
Training Day
If you thought this series ran out of gas after "Look Who's Talking", "Look Who's Talking Too", "Look Who's Talking To The Creepy Neighbor in the Trenchcoat" and "Look Who's Missing Now", you've obviously underestimated the unlimited comedic possibilities involved in kids talking who shouldn't talk. This time little Mikey's still not talking yet (some think he may be mildly retarded), but he's learning all about pull-up diapers, training toilets and his body's functions while his ass does the talking for him.
Now on Video:
Exit Wounds
At first I was excited because I thought they'd finally made the action movie about a covert watchmaker that I've been dreaming of, but then I realized that the proper grammar for that would be "Exit Winds". This turns out to be a snore-fest about a guy who polls people coming out of the voting booths and then lies about the results to CNN so that Willie Nelson can finally take his rightful spot as our nation's leader. Cool idea, but too many slow-motion shots of hillrods trying to figure out the butterfly ballot really bog this flick down.
Heartbreakers
Can Reese Witherspoon, Kirsten Dunst, Jennifer Love-Hewitt and Mena Suvari make their high school dream come true and run a successful trendy clothing store at the mall? Are you kidding me? Can the four of them together operate the doorknob? But thanks to their underage boob shots, loose morals and total naivety, the store is never empty, the rent is never due and the movie is never slow.
One Night at McDonalds
This attempt to one-up the low-budget cult hit Clerks by presenting "Slackers... in COLOR!" is undermined by annoyingly polite employees and a whiny second-shift manager who's constantly calling home to see if her dog likes it's new rawhide munchies. Nobody sleeps with a dead guy, but one customer is caught in the bathroom jerking off to a picture of Bela Lugosi.
Television:
Wow! The new fall season is here and the high-quality shows make all the delays from the threat of terrorism worth it! Too many great new shows to cover, but I'll start with some of my personal favorites:
Twenty-Four (Fox)
Larry Wilcox returns to T.V. as an aging blackjack dealer in the world's poshest casino. Each week hustlers and conmen (famous guest stars like Isaac Hayes and Newt Gingrich) try to beat the house, but Wilcox is just a little too bad for them! Dealer bust? I think not!
Smallville (WB)
"Mini-Me" from those wacky Austin Powers movies explodes with talent on this fantastic new variety show that demonstrates why everybody's talking about the WB! Sure, some of the sketches are slow to start, but the tiny sets with all the midget stars walking around in teensy costumes is just darling! And with musical guests like Little Feat and Tiny Turner, how can you say no?
Inside Schwartz (NBC)
Believe me, if you'd said a week ago I'd be raving about a program where former U.S. General Norman Schwarzkopf is subjected to a colonoscopy, I'd have called you a bald-faced liar and smacked you brazenly! But I'm hooked! Sure, I'm wondering how they can keep up the excitement, but every episode promises to take us further and further into the complicated bowel structures of the former commander—and I'm more excited than anybody!
Video Games:
Silent Hill 2 (Playstation 2)
When the original "Silent Hill" was a hit for the Playstation .1, you know that they would stick close to a winning formula for a kick-ass sequel. Once again you're the little bald guy, and you have to chase Benny Hill around dressed as a bobby. Sounds easy, right? But remember, if Benny starts his little boring song sketches in his foreign cockney accent that nobody can understand, the show's over!
ICO (Playstation 2)
Another amazing virtual reality simulator, you get the chance to be an overweight, lonely Internet-addicted bachelor without leaving your home. Only this time, you actually have friends! Chat to your friends on the user-friendly ICO program and try to convince them you're not a child molester or, worse, a cop pretending to be a child molester. Chillingly realistic.
Crazy Taxi 2 (Dreamcast)
It's strange that famed director Martin Scorsesesese chose to release the long-awaited continuing story of Travis Bickle directly to a video game console, but that's why he's a genius. Now, Bickle's a retired cabbie called back into the business to catch another crazed taxi driver (Ben Affleck's voice) before he can assassinate a pimp from Thailand with diplomatic immunity. I would tell you more but truthfully I couldn't get past the first stage where you get into the taxi.
That's all for now, buckaroos! Stay tuned in two weeks for more entertainment value than you can scrape off of your shoe with a garden trowel. Stay entertained, America!
