the commune, 11/26/25: You'll learn to love it or die trying

Eczema in journalism

September 2, 2002

I've Just Done My First DVD Commentary

the commune's Clarissa Coleman presents a digital special feature

º Last Column: The Child Star Collector's Guide
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I return from a pretty fun weekend here, folks. The Divine Miss C has just finished her very first DVD commentary, and I can say without fear of contradiction (unless one of you dildos has actually done a DVD commentary for a film you've been in, which I very much doubt) that it was a great experience.

The film was Li'l Poachers, the fantastic adventure film where the six kids get lost in the Florida Everglades and have to fend for themselves against animals and sub-human Cajuns. It was a lot like that Lord of the Flies movie but without all the depressing kid-on-kid violence and half-naked boys. Like if Disney had done that movie. If you remember loving Li'l Poachers and are saying to yourself, "Hey, wow! Clarissa Coleman was in that movie?" Eat me. Yeah, I was in the movie. You know what else, nutsack? I'm in the commentary, too. So there. You can't keep me down.

The DVD production staff got all six of us kid stars back for the commentaryâ€”me, Tim T. Toolkitty, Jeffy Smurtz, Franz Golgannis, Pockets O'Shannon, and Dina Frazell, who played the tough girl back then because you couldn't have lesbians in movies. All of us were reunited for the first time in 15 years. It was too bad the director Chummy Styron couldn't have been with us, but as you probably know he shot himself (to death) shortly after the film opened at number one at the box office. Funny, I guessâ€”despite all that success he still said in his suicide note he had lost hope there was any good in the world.

Once we got re-acquainted with each other and knocked back a few brewskis (would you believe only I thought to bring a case of Coors?) we started on the commentary. We had to stop and start over a few times, believe it or not. It looks (or sounds) so easy when you're listening to the commentary at home, when those two or three guys who do that do it, but it's a lot harder than it seems. It took me a while to get the hang of it. Here's some quick tips I learned.

It's not considered good commentary when one of your fellow actors comes on the screen and you say, "Man, you've gotten fat, Jeffy." Also unacceptable: "You looked better as a kid for sure, Franz." I would almost say that my early attempts at commentary made me unpopular with my co-stars, but I eventually got the hang of it.

The proper way to do commentary, they said, is to let the audience in on how the movie was made. So I made several revelations in my next attempts at commentary, things like, "We weren't really in the Everglades at all," and "I think the director had to do this movie because his gambling problem had become so expensive he couldn't make art films anymore." I had other behind-the-scenes information, too, like when I said, "There's the pirate they put in the movie because the studio wanted to make a clone of The Goonies." Apparently, though, discussing the salary everybody got for the movie is some kind of big fat taboo.

I tried "stories," too, little interesting tidbits that the general public doesn't know. I pointed to a tree on the screen and asked Pockets, "Remember when we used to get really high back there before we had to shoot scenes?" Or telling them, "There's where Dina made a pass at me. I was very flattered." Nobody seemed to like my commentary, truthfully, they kept saying they might have to edit a few things out, but you learn to like getting edited in the entertainment biz, at least if you've been edited as much as I have. I bet more than half of the brilliant things I've said off-script have never been used. Or all of them.

As a bonus tip, they really don't like it when you shout out every time you're on the screen, "There I am! Look!" They also really hate it when you're not on screen and you keep asking, "Wasn't I in this scene? Where am I? Why aren't I in this scene?"

In the end, though, despite the fact my commentary might not even make it onto the disc, I would highly recommend doing a DVD commentary for the experience alone, should you ever get the chance. Yeah! That'll happen.

º Last Column: The Child Star Collector's Guide
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Quote of the Day

“Get out of my way, you're crapping up my genius, dumbnuts.”

-Ayn Randy

Fortune 500 Cookie

All of those great things we said were going to happen to you last week? Yeah, sorry, we had you mixed up with your brother. You're fucked. Try parking your car at the far end of the lot and walking this week: everyone finds the way you jiggle when you walk highly amusing. Your friends and the packaging aren't lying: that's not toothpaste. Did you really think you were going to get away with naming your son Pringles? This week's lucky ass creams: Vaseline Intensive Hair, Ditch the Itch Ultra, Smooth Movers Hibiscus Scent, Baby's Ass in a Bottle, Johnson & Johnson No More Flaming Mass of Ground Hamburger Hemorrhoid Salve.

Try again later.

Top 5 Movies with Top in the Title

1.	America's Next Top Hovel: The Movie
2.	Top Dog 2: More Chuck Norris and a Talkingâ€¦ What Do You Mean the Dog Can't Talk?
3.	Top Nun
4.	Pop on Top: A Dirty Cartoon with Rhyming
5.	Spinning Yarns: Robin Williams Tells Stories About Tops For Two Fucking Hours

BY roland mcshyster

7/1/2001

What's the haps, America? Well, you can forget about all of that crap because it's Oscar time! It's that magical time of year when the Academy tells us what's the best of the best, and we cry "Bullshit! What about Blue Streak?". I'm here, as always, to help you sift through the nominees to find the golden nougat hidden within. And just in case you're worried that your Uncle Roland might be a little off his John Rocker, I'm well aware that the actual Oscar ceremony took place a few months ago. I've been pretty busy running a rotisserie bocciball league this spring and justhaven't had much time. But never fear, though I taped the show I haven't got around to watching it yet, so rest assured that these picks and pans are fresh as a newborn can of Bud Light.

As always, some of the...