Does everyone recall when John Walker was busted by our elite killing force of C.I.A. operatives over in Afghanistan? Sure they do. And then, all of a sudden, after announcing to us all that John Walker, an American, had been arrested among the Al Qaeda forces, they come out and start calling him John Walker Lindh? Hold on to your asses, folks, 'cause medicine man Red Bagel is about to seriously blow your mind.

How convenient that a plea bargain prevented Lindh's case from reaching his testimonial. Some might say it was the work of defense and prosecutors to put this nightmare of the American judicial system behind us, so Lindh could get on to facing his punishment and the American people could feel some sense of justice. I say malarkey! Ma-lar-key! Nobody wanted Lindh to testify—not his attorney, not the Justice Department, not Lindh himself.

The truth is that John Walker and John Walker Lindh are two separate people. Whoa, eh? Blew your mind out your ass, didn't I? Red Bagel promises, Red Bagel delivers.

If Lindh had testified, he would have doubtlessly revealed his horrid true story. Even if he had attempted to keep it a secret, those of us who know the real John Walker, or the most basic of human behaviors, would have suspected something was amiss. Because John Walker was sent to Afghanistan to infiltrate the Al Qaeda terrorist organization after the bombing of the U.S. Naval ship. That's right, Walker was no traitor, but the noblest of subversive, patriotic spies.

It was only once over there that Walker discovered how closed Al Qaeda was to outsiders. It was this close-knit secrecy that impeded Walker's infiltration attempts, and kept him from finding out about the Sept. 11 attacks until it was too late. Only shortly after, the Al Qaeda realized how valuable a symbol Walker could prove—an American traitor joining their cause. So they put Walker through the loyalty ritual.

Not all Al Qaeda members go through the loyalty ritual. Only outsiders that Osama bin Laden does not personally know or people he thinks would be funny to humiliate. Walker, and other possible recruits, were forced to eat alien larvae that had been found among cowpies in Saudi Arabia. The origin of these alien larvae were unknown, and picked by bin Laden only because of their strange purplish color. Those who wish to prove their loyalty eat the disgusting larvae and therefore show their dedication, which beats their previous test of eating dynamite and running into a wall, which really limited their new recruits.

Unfortunately, this larvae ingested by Walker and others contained sentient alien life that slowly began to reproduce his shape from the inside. In fact, by the time of the Al Qaeda Oz-like prison riot in which he was apprehended, John Walker as we knew him was no more. He had been disintegrated inside out, replaced with a hybrid alien-human being calling itself John Walker Lindh (after the alien larvae's own name in its own tongue). By the time our government realized their recovered spy was not the same person, they had to treat him like a traitor and silence him with this mock trial, but keep him from testifying to the American people as to his true nature.

For those who might doubt the legitimacy of this story, admittedly pieced together through my own ten minutes of research on the Internet, I pose this question to you: What other reasons would an American have to side with another country against his own, the noblest and most Christian-like in the world?

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