Sinclair Networks to Air More Anti-Kerry Films

any independent probes have begun to look into the practices of national network affiliates owned by Sinclair Broadcasting Group after the company pledged to air the anti-John Kerry film Stolen Honor on all its networks. Some research has uncovered a history of support for the GOP, a concentrated agenda against the Democratic party, and also revealed proposed plans to air more films and programs designed to denigrate presidential candidate John Kerry and give George W. Bush the advantage in their political match-up.

Sinclair, who also earned Democrats' ire for refusing to air Nightline's reading a list of dead U.S. soldiers in April, is treating the Kerry-bashing film as news content. It compares the nationwide free airtime for Republican views to the limited-release theatrical film Fahrenheit 9/11, basically meaning fuck balanced political programming. On the heels of the film's airing, in the remaining time before Americans go to the polls Nov. 2, the company is planning other right-wing spin programs on Kerry.

John Kerry: Warlock?, an independently-produced film by the religious group Swift Christians for Truth, postulates that the Massachusetts senator may have been fathered by a goat and possesses mystical powers that allow him to alter the presence of nuclear materials, even erase them from existence. Though mostly assembled from stock footage of the candidate and interviews with unaccredited "experts," the film does contain a segment purported to show a young Kerry in a pointy hat turning a horse into a unicorn. Others, however, say the blurry footage was recently staged, and that's clearly Scott Baio playing the lead role.

Another film, Sandbagger: John Kerry's Real War Record, alleges the senator actually started the first Gulf War when, at a cocktail party in 1990, Kerry suggested to Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein he should take back Kuwait as part of Iraq. Democratic opposition to the film claims it's incredibly false, that Kerry was only joking with the guy, and the man reputed to be Saddam Hussein had actually attended the costume party as Super Mario.

Less likely to air, but still listed among recent Sinclair acquisitions, John Kerry: What a Pussy, seems little more than a suckerpunch film made to ridicule the man on a personal level. In addition to showing still pictures of Kerry next to flesh-torn zombies and cartoon dog Droopy, the film accuses Kerry of catching crabs in Vietnam and makes quite rude insinuations about his mother.

Other viewers of Sinclair networks say it isn't the first time the company has taken a side in political races. Certain anonymous Sinclair viewers, like Martha Philips of North Ridge, Virginia, say the sound cut out frequently during two of the three debates, all while Kerry was speaking, while another viewer insists a picture of Jesus was superimposed behind the president during the first debate.

"I also swear," says Margolis, Washington viewer Richard Higgs, "that the movie I watched last week originally starred John Wayne. But that guy who I saw in the movie then looked a hell of a lot like George Bush."

Sinclair has already made good on some of its other proposed anti-Kerry imagery, showing an embarrassing television appearance by the senator last Saturday culled from a 1980 episode of Dance Fever.

ast Wednesday’s final presidential debate left many questions unanswered in the minds of American voters, but not among them was the cockwad status of U.S. citizen Mark Buckles. Despite their numerous policy differences, both President Bush and Democratic challenger John Kerry saw squarely eye to eye on the Buckles issue, presenting a unified vision for a future America where Buckles is clearly a total cockwad.

According to political pundits analyzing the debates for the major networks, Kerry looks kind of like an alien and Bush makes a lot of stupid faces.

Seeking to differentiate his Buckles position from that of his challenger, Bush accused Kerry of changing his mind about whether or not Mark Buckles was a cockwad, citing Kerry’s infamous “I called Buckles a cockwad before I didn’t� quote from last year.

“Unlike that Belgian motherfucker over there,� Bush said with his trademark uninformed bravado. “I knew Mark Buckles was a cockwad from the start. And America needs strong leaders who know a Buckles when they see one.�

Meanwhile, Kerry accused Bush of refusing to admit his mistake in branding Buckles a cockwad before all available evidence had been collected, and merely going on the word of Secretary of State Colin Powell, who has personal reasons for his feelings about Buckles.

“Mark Buckles is not the cockwad that George Bush promised America,� explained Kerry. “We were sold a bill of goods. Yes, Mark is definitely a cockwad. But not the king-sized cockwad that this administration painted him to be, when they needed your support to go public about this young man.�

“And as for my cockwad stance,� Kerry elaborated. “At first I gave Buckles the benefit of the doubt, as I’d like to think any strong leader would. But once all the available evidence had been collected, it became clear that Mark is indeed a cockwad.�

Kerry seemed to struggle with his usual problem of talking out of both sides of his mouth during the debate Wednesday, attempting to appease liberals who think Buckles got a raw deal as well as centrist Democrats and undecideds who believe that Buckles is a cockwad, but still think Bush rushed to judgment too quickly in the matter.

Partisans on both sides shared their hysterical reactions with anyone who would listen, even before the debates had ended.

“Kerry is a God among men and his penis is lovely,� explained breathless Democratic partisan Dane Philsley when asked about his candidate’s debate performance.

“George Bush proved once and for all that he farts wisdom into a can for the world to huff,� disagreed Republican partisan Carla Dennis, apparently believing this to be a compliment.

Regardless of who came out ahead in the debates, both candidates have likely lost the vote of Buckles, who could not be reached for comment. Some pundits have argued that Buckles was the real loser of Wednesday’s debate, since whoever wins the November election, Mark Buckles will spend the next four years known as an unmistakable cockwad. What is unknown as of yet is how much of a boost Buckles’ supporters will give third-party candidate Ralph Nader, who has gone on record as saying he’s sure Buckles has his redeeming qualities.

According to a CNN.com instant poll taken immediately following the debates, Mark Buckles sucks balls.

I saw something today that has me very concerned for the direction our culture is headed in. I was strolling past the vending machine in our downstairs neighbor Crochet! magazine's offices, which I do frequently both because I'm the only commune employee obscure enough to show my face down there without setting off an incident of feud-based violence, and also because the commune's own vending machine has been stocked with nothing but ginger snaps ever since Omar Bricks pissed off the restocker by filling the entire machine with aerosol contraceptive foam last month.

As I was marveling at Crochet!'s wondrous selection of gingerless snacks, one in particular caught my eye. There they were, on the top row and in bold typeface: "Effin' Crackers." I couldn't believe my eye, so I checked with the other one. Same result. Are we truly living in a society so rude that now even our snack foods are insulting me? I'm afraid so, occasional readers.

And when even your crackers are rude beyond the pale, you know you culture's in serious trouble. I bought some of the offending snacks just to further investigate what they were all about. They didn't taste especially offensive. They didn't taste particularly like food either, but that's to be expected of vending machine offerings. If you can't taste the oxypropyl 13, Keebler's not doing their job.

No, aside from the name these are your normal, everyday, run of the mill animal crackers shaped like midgets with a Victorian sense of fashion. At first, the midget shapes put me off a bit, but then I realized that you have to be pragmatic about these kinds of things. If I'm prepared to bite the head off an endangered panda or a tiny inch-tall camel coated in sugar, I'd be a hypocrite to beg off snapping a crunchy midget in half with my bicuspids. Animals are people too, you know. Well actually, they're not, but neither are dwarves. So same difference.

No, the startlingly brusque moniker these chips bear is clearly just a marketing attempt to reach out to the youth of today, rude fuckers that they are. Teenagers who have grown up immersed in a briny, electrified soup of oversaturated media cacophony are growing more and more difficult to reach through traditional marketing channels, necessitating that companies cut loose with all-out profanity to shock these kids into addressing their mild hunger needs. "Eat it—You'll like it!" and "The official snack cookie of the Bolshoi Ballet" just don't cut it anymore, readers. These days, it's "Here's your effin' crackers, jerkweed! What, do you got a poop in your mouth? Eat 'em up!"

What this says about our parasitic marketing experts is one thing, and a sad thing indeed. But what this says about our very souls is the true pants-shitter. Have we really traipsed so eagerly down this road, on the way to the total annihilation of Western culture as we know it? Have we really missed all the neon-yellow signposts along the way, warning us to turn back before we devolve into utterly debased and wretched creatures?

Oh, wait. These say "Elfin Crackers." Nevermind.

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