olls conducted by mortal agencies across America are beginning to unravel startling information about polls: They are not always correct, and information is not always given with the most honorable intentions.

This information comes as a shock to pollsters and politicians alike, as some questions have returned information demonstrating the lack of sincerity in responses. A recent Gallup poll on the presidential election found that over 70 percent of respondents described themselves as the head of a their household and reported an annual income of over ten gabillion. According to the latest census information and annual salary figures reported by corporations, determined to be more accurate, less than one percent of the nation actually earns over ten gabillion dollars annually, causing analysts to speculate incorrect information was reported. Backing up this hypothesis is the response to inquiries about the speaker's sex, to which over 97 percent responded "Yes."

Inaccurate polling information leaves some with the feeling that none of the conclusions drawn by polls can be trusted, a disturbing notion for politicians relying on polling information, and an even more troublesome proposition for companies making their money from polling. However, it would explain how polls conducted by different companies can draw different conclusions, such as recent presidential election polls that show the race led by President George W. Bush, candidate John Kerry, or show both tied neck and neck.

"Clearly, someone is fucking with us," said Gallup poll analyst Stephen Herschel. "I guess they think it's funny."

The quandary brings up questions about the similar circumstances of the 2000 election, when Al Gore won a much larger number of votes than predicted in some earlier polls, and less than accorded him by others. Exit polls in Florida also played a significant role in decisions by major news networks to predict Gore the winner of the state, key in the 2000 presidential election, even though the frail polls failed to predict the battle for the state ahead. Herschel, a longtime developer of polling questions for political campaigns, paints a bleak picture of an election with untrustworthy polls.

"A lot of Americans like to vote for the guy who is going to win," Herschel informs. "If they don't have polls to tell them who is going to win, then there is no way for them to make an informed decision about who to vote for. Then there's the nightmare of actually being a candidate running for office and having no polls to rely on. How do you know what to stand for then? How can you reach the voters if you don't have any idea what they want you to say? All you have to fall back on in such a case is personal experience, knowledge of the issues themselves, and leadership qualities. Without polls, you can't preach to the converted."

The concerns about polls beg the question, why in the world would someone not report accurate information to a faceless corporation? Winston-Salem University of North Dakota's Professor Big Jim Dean, of the Department of Psychology, postulates a theory:

"As strange as it seems, we theorize that some people don't realize the value of an accurate poll, or even stranger, could care less about the questions themselves. These people may give inaccurate information on a lark, or to make themselves feel more important than they might by reporting accurately. Others may have their own political agenda, and try to shape the outcome of the poll by giving information that they think will further their own cause, whatever it may be. Alas, these may be the dangers of asking random people their thoughts and feelings on issues. At least, this is the research I've accumulated by talking to my students. And I don't see any reason why they'd make up something like that."

eeks nationwide made an embarrassing collective sound last Wednesday as they recoiled in terror at the news that NASA’s experimental Sega Genesis gaming console, the first home video game system to be shot into space, had crash landed in the Utah desert after the 16-bit console’s parachutes failed to open upon re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere.

“This is a fucking disaster!� recoiled 28-year-old vintage gaming dweeb Chance Lambeau, wearing an Alex Kidd in Miracle World tee shirt he had silk-screened at great personal expense. “Finally, the world was going to get to see what the Genesis was really capable off, from its innovative System 16 processor to its wide library of classic games, but NASA had to screw the pooch and slam dunk the thing in the Alkali Salt Flats. Jeez. Game over, man.�

The Genesis has long held a special place in the hearts of video game geeks, ever since debuting in 1989 as the US’s first 16-bit gaming console for the home market. Offering a huge step up in performance from the popular 8-bit consoles of the day, including the much-loved Nintendo Entertainment System and the much settled-for Sega Master System, the Genesis opened up a new world of arcade-like gaming for spoiled white kids everywhere. And it came with Altered Beast.

NASA first conceived of sending a Genesis into space in 2000, with the stated goal of “doing some science stuff� and finding out if Sonic the Hedgehog would play faster in zero gravity. Though the sheer number of vintage gaming geeks employed by NASA made this explanation plausible to most, many believed the Genesis was simply the most advanced piece of equipment that NASA could afford due to severe budgetary cutbacks. According to unconfirmed sources, NASA picked up the Genesis console at a Cape Canaveral-area flea market for $10.

While NASA scientists insist that the Genesis mission was primarily about using the console’s unique chip architecture to collect solar dust or something, critics have called the mission an expensive excuse for NASA engineers to reminisce about their childhood console-gaming days, and to beat their old high score on Revenge of Shinobi in the name of science. Several have also pointed to NASA’s choice of the Dugway Proving Grounds in Utah for the Genesis re-entry, a location close to the hearts of retro gaming geeks ever since it inspired the early video game classic Dig-Dug.

Regardless of the mission’s true intent, NASA’s plan to catch the re-entering console using helicopters flown by Hollywood stunt pilots drew widespread skepticism even before the Genesis went down like a Walkman into the toilet.

“What were they thinking?� sneered console gaming guru Ben “Game Genie� Wilmington. “They were going to cherry-pick that thing out of the sky with helicopters while it screamed toward the earth and unbelievable speeds? That’s stupid, even for NASA. Those guys have been playing way too much Choplifter.�

Others have reacted with surprise to photos of the crash site and the Genesis’ impact crater in Utah’s salt flats, claiming that the Genesis pictured appears much larger than a standard model, and may have been warped by the effects of space travel. NASA scientists insist that a regular Genesis console was used, and claim to have the original warranty card in a box somewhere to prove it. Physicist Cole Janson also pointed out that outdated technology always seems smaller in memory, reminding readers that early VCRs were roughly the size of today’s microwave ovens.

NASA is still debating what to do with the broken console. The original scenario called for the Genesis to be transported back to NASA headquarters under armed guard immediately following touchdown, just in time for a heated tournament of NHL Hockey ‘94 that NASA scientists had been anticipating for months.

“We were really looking forward to having the Genesis back,� admitted a crestfallen Roger Neumann, Genesis project manager. “Now I don’t know what we’re going to do. Sweeney thinks we should sell what’s left for spare parts on eBay and pick up a Playstation instead, but most everybody here was pretty attached to the games we already had. Here at NASA, we’re not all about technology for technology’s sake, you know. Flashy graphics can only count for so much. We’ll figure out something though, we’re NASA. Maybe a quick trip to the moon would help lift everyone’s spirits. Couldn’t hurt.�

Americans, believe me when I say I would much rather spend this column outlining our plans to advertise on the commune. Or, more sincerely, would rather spend this column demonstrating how I've tracked the money trail from a major American defense manufacturer to weapons sold to Syria and Iran. Or at the very least tell you how Rascal and I spent the weekend getting thrown out of a NASCAR race (the Bagel car is still in one piece, you'll be glad to hear). But no, unfortunately I have to deliver some bad news about a diminishing of the commune's reputation.

We have tried, since the very launch of the commune, to maintain a certain standard of credibility. We have fact-checkers, and they appear to always be doing their jobs. Not that I'm going to look over their shoulder or anything—I've got a life, you know. Even so, I was dismayed to find out a certain unnamed reporter has been fabricating information to complete his stories. "His"? Did I say "his"? Oh, damn, cat's out of the bag. That's right, it's Raoul Dunkin, former commune reporter.

You may know, if you're a faithful commune reader (unlike that harlot Stacy Carmichael), that Raoul and I have had a very complicated relationship, and haven't always been the best of friends. Nonetheless, we've always had a mutual respect for each other's work—I respect his work, and he respects being paid for it. You can imagine how I was stunned and shocked, yea, even flabbergasted, to find out it's all been a fraud.

After Raoul announced his resignation in December, Office Manager (at the time) Ramrod Hurley jumped in to hire a new reporter to fill out the staff. Elmore Sacks was the best he could do. However, Elmore's been a great addition to the commune; true, he doesn't so much write as sit in the break room and doze most of the day away, blocking the vending machine, I might add, but there is one more of us, which surely makes it an addition. The staff was all quite happy Raoul was gone, though, since everyone had a problem with him, and he didn't exactly make friends. Even when I heaped more and more work on them, they still seemed glad Raoul had been sent packing, even though he had taken some of the worst assignments that are now left to them. I didn't ask them if they were still glad, but I'm happier presuming it's true.

But Raoul's legacy was not the solid reporting I seemed to once think. At the urging of all the other reporters, I reviewed some of his past articles at random and checked them against his notes. I even tracked down the political figures and quote-donators, what they call "fact-checking" at other papers. I was quite outraged to find a glaring mistake in a previous article, "Presidential Debate Offers No Clear Loser." A man, describing himself as Norm Chauncey of Newark University, was in fact Norm Chancey. And, as far as I can tell, he doesn't even know what a college is.

Sir, I'm disgusted. It's just this kind of sloppy reporting that can forever mar the reputation of the commune. I asked several people on the street, where I coincidentally found Norm Chancey once again, and found out several of them had never even heard of the commune. I can't blame them. I'm nearly ashamed to admit it myself, in the wake of this scandal.

I can only apologize to you, faithful readers, and promise we'll make every effort to get our facts right in the future. I can do only that and, of course, sending warning letters to every news organization in the country and warn them against hiring Mr. Dunkin. He is not the kind of journalist a credible news organization should employ, and I want everyone to know it.

That said, at the reporters' urging, I'm offering Mr. Dunkin an open door here to come back to the commune. Not so he can besmirch us with his substandard reporting again, but so that he may work to repair the damage he has done to our news department. And everyone says he's the only one who does what he's told when he's sent to cover a story, so we'll try it their way. They're getting sick of all this work.

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