Saddam Hussein Sued for Mental Anguish

pon his return to Iraq's interim "sovereign" government, former dictator and one-time Iraqi big man Saddam Hussein was hit with a multimillion dollar lawsuit for damages, including punitive, and citing "mental anguish." The group, describing itself as "Now-Free Iraqis Completely Happy with American Help," had the dictator served in his new prison cell in Baghdad.

Lawyer for the plaintiffs Abazzi al-Shidir made the case to American newspapers.

"Finally, the Iraqi people are hitting back at the one who caused them so much grief and misery. If Saddam Hussein hadn't been hiding weapons of mass destruction—and we're all pretty sure they're around here somewhere—the U.S. never would have had to liberate us. Not to mention all the years of terrorism he committed upon his own people—which is us—and the mental anguish he inflicted. He'll be found guilty of war crimes, no doubt. But we want him to suffer financially as well. And with our new legal system, he will."

Al-Shidir could not comment on the demographics of those who filed the class-action suit, but assured the media they came from all walks of Iraqi life and represented the majority of the country. If the suit rewards the plaintiffs, al-Shidir confirmed they would use the money to rebuild Iraq's economy and restore order to the nation, and would likely draw up a contract for American companies to bid upon.

It was hard news for Saddam Hussein, who spent much of last week enduring the public handover to the new government of his former country. Hussein denounced all threats to bring him to justice in public trial.

"Ah, fuck you all, you hopeless puppets," grumbled Hussein, as a translator struggled to properly interpret the swear words. "You and the camels you road in on. You all didn't say shit when I was running the show. I piss on your justice. Ally McBeal had a less fictional courtroom. Whatever you do, don't charge me with possessing weapons of mass destruction—I would hate to see everyone strain themselves hauling in that much imaginary evidence. And in conclusion, suck me."

A garish gesture was made to the public, who all applauded, thinking it was something else.

The return of Saddam Hussein was sometimes overshadowed by the "surprise" handing over of the hot potato country from U.S. coalition forces, who are still there as resident muscle, to the interim government led by temporary Prime Minister Iyad Allawi, who took over following the death of the most recent in a series of unsuccessful Prime Ministers, who were either killed in terror attacks, horrific missile-related accidents, suicides, or killed by their own dissatisfied people.

"Finally, Iraq is free," declared Allawi, raising his hands in the air and shaking them like a WWE wrestler.

Allawi then instituted martial law, for the protection of the city, and demanded the assets of suspected terrorists be frozen while they were investigated. The people were rushed off the streets by armed police since the curfew was quickly approaching, while the citizens said something in Iraqi, probably about how nice it was Saddam Hussein was finally out of power.

ust days before the scheduled transfer of power to Iraqi officials, the U.S. occupation suffered another major blow when radical Shiite head cleric and suspected U.S. puppet Boner Von Poppel was killed during a community uprising in Baghdad. The elderly fig farmers who stoned Von Poppel to death with unripe figs believed the Shiite religious leader has been installed by the United States to manipulate the local population and retain U.S. control of the region beyond the date of Iraqi sovereignty. While the U.S. denies claims that Von Poppel had been inserted into Iraq by the CIA to advance U.S. interests, local residents never completely accepted the cleric as one of their own, due in part to his B-boy style of dress and lack of facility with the Iraqi language.

When confronted with these suspicions Saturday in Baghdad, Von Poppel confused the gathered crowd and sealed his fate.

"Yo yo yo, lissen up, cuz I got somethin to say. This be straight from the heart, y'all," Von Poppel told the crowd, pressing 'play' on a nearby boombox for accompaniment before launching into a bizarre marionette dance. "I got no strings, to hold me down, to make me fret, to make me frown! I've got no strings, so I have fun, I'm not tied up to anyone! I got no strings, so you can see, there are no strings on me!"

Shortly after the completion of the song and dance number, Von Poppel was pummeled to death with figs.

While U.S. officials expressed shock at the violence of the uprising, many Iraqis were more surprised Von Poppel had lived as long as he did.

"I almost killed him last week," admitted Baghdad shopkeeper Hashim Ababneh. "There was just something not right about that boy."

Other locals expressed similar sentiments, pointing out that it was unusual for Shiite religious leaders to be completely ignorant as to the particulars of Islam, or to dress like an extra in a Jay-Z video.

"Yo, Iraqis, we gots to increase the peace and respect the police, you know what I'm sayin'?" Von Poppel was quoted as sayin' during a sermon last fall. "The U.S. is the best so don't mess with the rest, y'all."

Experts believe Von Poppel's complete lack of understanding of Iraqi culture or the Muslim religion may have sealed his fate. Earlier this year the cleric had created a stir by appearing on the holy day of Mawlid al-Nabi eating a pulled pork sandwich and talking with his mouth full. When the gathered crowd of Iraqis drew Von Poppel's attention to this grievous misstep in Muslim etiquette, the cleric answered "Yo yo yo, you gotta check yourself before you wreck yourself, Iraqis. We gotta increase the peace, Cochise. You know what I'm sayin'?"

In spite of widespread skepticism among Iraqi citizens, the U.S. has steadfastly denied any attempts to manipulate Muslim religious life, and was happy to announce the rise of Iraqi's newest anti-U.S. radical Shiite cleric Nihad al-Pacino over the weekend.

Have you listened to the radio lately? I'll bet you haven't. Modern statistics show most people stopped listening to the radio circa 1981, when video killed its star. I can hardly blame you. I listened to the radio a couple of weeks ago and was shocked by how bored I was. Apparently they are paying A&R companies and publishing firms by the song, since I only heard two or three during the course of the entire hour. And they weren't worth listening to, I'll tell you that. I'm not sure who Five for Fighting is, but if they play another song like the one I heard, good people, I'll take on all five of them.

It was a quite fortuitous day, since not long after I heard that radio ga-ga, my impending-wife ("girlfriend" is such a childish word) Ginger Baker asked me to hide some of her not-strictly-legal funds in my own private bank account. I'm always quick to step up when my impending-wife needs something, especially if it involves taking money off her hands. But then I thought: Whatever happened to the man who played Hop Sing on "Bonanza"? I'm not sure why I even mention that, I never found out and it has nothing to do with what I'm speculating on. My next thought, however, was that I should put Ginger's money to work for her—money just sitting around in a bank is about as prosperous as Oprah's man, Steadman.

This is why I bought an A.M. radio station. At last I can drive somewhere and listen to the radio again, always confident that there will be something on the airwaves I want to listen to. Be it Up With People, Perry Como, or the Andrews Sisters, music across the ages, anything from any era with the only criteria that it's good, good, good—all Rok approved. Turn your block to Rok. Been a while since you heard "April Love," and you could really use it? It might be the middle of the night, and you desperately need to hear the Carpenters' "Top of the World"? I ask no questions. I'm only here to play you the music I want you to hear.

I'm also all for playing the newest artists I can find, assuming I like them. I've already played some soon-to-be hits by unsigned acts like Nina Santa-Maria, Cowboy Donnie Hirschfeld, and a promising young band called Jimmy Jeffers and the Fagtones. You like rap? Me neither. But you will, once you've heard some profanity-free rap by my good friend MC Vic Daniels and his DJ John Waterhouse. Anyone who can rhyme "lovin' fool" and "steno pool" is alright in my book.

Just to let you know, running a radio station hasn't been trouble-free for me. To my surprise, Ginger wasn't happy I decided what to do with her money. I tried reminding her I'm a man, but that only made her that much angrier. She is not quite as traditional as I am—but I accept her, flaws and all. We'll get over this hump, and get to the hump I prefer, before too long. In the meantime, I've got to find a way to make my A.M. radio station show a profit or she's going to close it down herself.

I remembered this problem sounded sort of familiar, then I recalled I'm in danger of losing my job because of low ratings, since they're trying to make the commune more profitable. I imagine Red Bagel should be able to help me turn my radio station around. I'm all for any changes he wants to make, except for the format, the songs I play, and my strict "no commercials" rule.

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