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President Bush Calls for A "Paranoid, Trigger-Happy America""Caution is our enemy," states President. October 1, 2001 |
Washington, DC Emilio Berternie/AP President Bush: Friggin' losing it
"Now, in this, our greatest moment," the President said Wednesday following the attacks, "it is important that our bloodlust reach critical levels. I'm so fucking angry I could shit a Buick. And I think all of America should follow suit."
Smoking a cigarette with an inch of ash still on the end, nervously loosening his tie and squinting through bloodshot eyes, the president promised swift and "all-out awesome" retaliation against "anybody; make that everybody. They're all going down this time."
"Some Americans have understandably tried to get on with their lives, to grieve for the victims and recapture some s...
rade Center and the Pentagon, President George "Nightmare" Bush has urged for Americans to unite and create a "paranoid, trigger-happy America."
"Now, in this, our greatest moment," the President said Wednesday following the attacks, "it is important that our bloodlust reach critical levels. I'm so fucking angry I could shit a Buick. And I think all of America should follow suit."
Smoking a cigarette with an inch of ash still on the end, nervously loosening his tie and squinting through bloodshot eyes, the president promised swift and "all-out awesome" retaliation against "anybody; make that everybody. They're all going down this time."
"Some Americans have understandably tried to get on with their lives, to grieve for the victims and recapture some sense of normalcy. I urge restraint in this matter at this time. This is not the time to calmly and logically turn to religion, family, or community. Now is the time to pissing apeshit."
Bush finished his press conference by throwing up his desk and punching out a window in the Oval office.
Later, around 4:30 a.m., the president stumbled out onto the lawn with a pistol in hand, firing blindly at the sky and screaming, "I'm right here! I'm right here, you fucking monsters! Come and get it! If you dare!"
A visibly shaken, tearful President Bush was then escorted by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld back into the White House, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.
President Bush continued to encourage the nation from a small, dimly-lit room in an unreleased location three days later.
"The high demand for guns, firearms, flags, and gas has been spectacular. The call has been made for quick, thoughtless action. For rage and violence. The American people, as always, have answered the call.
"What was that?" the president asked with wide eyes darting about the dank cellar. "Did you hear that?"
He then fired several shots into a nearby secret service agent who reportedly had a "weird glint in his eye." the commune News would like to take this opportunity to express our love for America by flying our Confederate flag at half-mast until further notice. Ivan "Scooter" Nacutchacokov is American as apple pie and has never even been to the Midwest, so you can stop with the dirty looks people.
 | American Afghans Apprehended, Interred In CampsControversial concentration pounds activated October 1, 2001 |
Plimpton, CT Ramrod Hurley Interred Afghan American Kiwi
The Afghan, a popular breed of mid-size long-haired dog, was reportedly introduced to America several years ago by Chinese guys who brought them here originally to eat them, reported commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck. Also, horses were originally introduced to our country as indentured servants.
Dog Fancy magazine estimates the number of interred Afghans could reach 5,000 before the end of the week. Already several Afghans face additional charges of disobeying the new law by not reporting their whereabouts.
"We said, 'Sit. Stay.' And these dogs have disobeyed," said Attorney General John Ashcr...
n a controversial move, Congress has barely passed a bill allowing the arrest and internment of thousands of American-born Afghans in "government pounds."
The Afghan, a popular breed of mid-size long-haired dog, was reportedly introduced to America several years ago by Chinese guys who brought them here originally to eat them, reported commune Research Editor Griswald Dreck. Also, horses were originally introduced to our country as indentured servants.
Dog Fancy magazine estimates the number of interred Afghans could reach 5,000 before the end of the week. Already several Afghans face additional charges of disobeying the new law by not reporting their whereabouts.
"We said, 'Sit. Stay.' And these dogs have disobeyed," said Attorney General John Ashcroft. "Bad dogs. Bad, bad dogs."
Across the United States, pet owners and sympathizers are outraged by what they call an unfounded, prejudicial law.
"These dogs are good Americans," said Nancy Martin, owner of three Afghans interred because of the new law. "Mumu, Gaia, and Kiwi were born right here in this country. They eat American food, they wear American-made sweaters and make bad on American rugs. Not Persian. Certainly not Afghanese. Bad dogs? I say, 'Bad lawmakers. Bad, bad lawmakers.'" the commune News believes in socially responsible reporting and our staff practices safe sex at least seven times a day. Ramrod Hurley is a freelance journalist, photographer, and according to Lil Duncan, "Poppinazi". Ramrod is reporting for the commune news while he searches out a publisher for his new book, "If These Tits Could Talk: A Lil Duncan Biography".
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 October 1, 2001 ROK FINGER'S DESK IS NOT PUBLIC PROPERTYthe commune's Rok Finger is recooperating in an area hospital If there were only one message I could have emblazoned onto a tee-shirt that I would be required to wear from that day forward, like an albatross around the proverbial sailor's neck, it would be this: "ROK FINGER'S DESK IS NOT PUBLIC PROPERTY". I'm not exactly sure how this scenario might one day come to be, but for this and a thousand other contingencies Rok Finger is prepared.
This choice of messages would be a timely one, as the world is obviously in the dark on this subject. Countless times I have come into the office in the morning to find multiple staples gone missing from my stapler, alarmingly thinned rolls of Scotch tape, and once even a hoagie stain on my desk in the shape of South Dakota governor William J. Janklow. But the most gruesome violation was saved for toda...
º Last Column: CUIDADO: PISO MOJADO
º more columns
If there were only one message I could have emblazoned onto a tee-shirt that I would be required to wear from that day forward, like an albatross around the proverbial sailor's neck, it would be this: "ROK FINGER'S DESK IS NOT PUBLIC PROPERTY". I'm not exactly sure how this scenario might one day come to be, but for this and a thousand other contingencies Rok Finger is prepared.
This choice of messages would be a timely one, as the world is obviously in the dark on this subject. Countless times I have come into the office in the morning to find multiple staples gone missing from my stapler, alarmingly thinned rolls of Scotch tape, and once even a hoagie stain on my desk in the shape of South Dakota governor William J. Janklow. But the most gruesome violation was saved for today, when my defenses were lowered by a freak elevator mishap at the commune's West 194th Street offices.
I began this day, as many others, with a quick bath of mineral salts and baking soda. After a breakfast of frozen pot pies and coffee, and taking a few minutes to enter a submission in Swanson's "Ultimate Pot Pie Ingredients" mail-in contest, I drove to the commune's offices. Leaving my car with the gang of slouchers on the street who pass for parking valets these days, I steeled myself for another rigorous day of columnisting. I entered the elevator and reached up to depress the button for my floor, proud that thanks to the new lifts in my Floorsheims, I no longer needed assistance in selecting the higher floors. But right as I was about to press the button I experienced a sudden blinding flash of light, and the next thing I knew I was laying on the floor of the elevator, groggy and disoriented. I'd had an experience that can most easily be explained in two words: alien abduction.
Where the aliens took me and what they did to Rok Finger's anus are anyone's guess, but no other scenario explains the blinding light, lost time, and the clearly disoriented witnesses who shared the elevator with me this morning. As they stood and gaped, gasping non-sequitors like "Rok Finger's had a stroke!" and "Somebody get the paramedics, we've got a dying midget in here!", the signs of alien skullduggery were unmistakable.
I took leave of my fellow abductees when the elevator reached my floor, and quickly made my way to my office, eager to take refuge in the soothing hues of it's simulated wood paneling. But believe me people, refuge was not to be mine this morning: some nogoodnik has befouled my office! Gone are the framed pictures of Arvelyn, my wife of thirty years, and Checkers, the horse I once rode at the State Fair. What kind of soulless being would make off with my Successories desk calendar, leaving this half-empty can of bull semen in it's place? And what of these countless BMX posters that mar the walls, are they the work of a God-fearing man? Are these Jennifer Connelly pin-ups supposed to be a reference to my alleged marital infidelities with the Mount View girls' soccer team? And what to make of the cheesecake photos with Hugh Downs' face taped over them? A possible affront to my sexuality and the Finger bloodline?
Whoever committed this outrage, they were highly fond of basset hounds, that much is clear. There are enough porcelain basset hounds in this office to open a gift shop at the mall, should a basset hound-themed mall ever be erected.
The more I sift through the detritus left in my office, the more puzzled I become. Why leave months of dirty laundry on my office floor? Who would etch "SLAYER" into the armrest of my chair? And what could the six-foot cardboard cutout of Sonny Bono possibly mean?
Looking out my office window, it seems that even the view has changed. The pleasant panorama of the aggregate dredging facility has been swapped with this pedestrian vista of a girl's dormitory shower and sunbathing roof. It seems that scofflaws spare no expense when pulling a jape on Rokwe- hold the phone! Someone suffering from this obvious level of mental disorganization couldn't possibly have had the building rotated in one night's time! I'm on the wrong floor! Good God people, in all of the pot-pie-themed excitement this morning, I must have forgotten to put the new lifts in my shoes!
Happy day, faithful reader! Happy day! To the ninth floor! º Last Column: CUIDADO: PISO MOJADOº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas! Except near Houston, Dallas or Fort Worth. Talk about your smog. Jesus, this song's gonna need another verse.”
-Clement B. DoogleFortune 500 CookieMama said there'd be days like this, but the bitch lied. The success or failure of this coming week hinges on your proper understanding of the word "gonad," so take our advice and go buy a dictionary now, Skippy. Order lots of Chinese food this week, but don't pick it up. This week's lucky accidents: back-flip off ladder onto hardwood floor, lip caught on drain while bathtub's full, wearing flammable jumpsuit to Great White concert, 15 car pile-up.
Try again later.Top Ways to Leave Your Lover| 1. | Join Al-Qaeda | | 2. | Quit Al-Qaeda | | 3. | Mail self to Shanghai (unless from Shanghai) | | 4. | Singing Dump-o-Gram | | 5. | Blaze of Glory/Blaze of Lies | |
|   Report: ’Osama’ Least Popular Name for American Babies BY roland mcshyster 10/1/2001 Welcome back to Entertainment Police, gents and gentiles, I hope you came hungry for some fresh whinin' and opinin'. We've got a new batch of movies for you to ogle and unlike the last batch, we promise these won't turn out to be Gremlins. But before we get to that, let's take a moment for America's favorite back-and-forth: Ask Roland!
Q. I recently watched the film "Hannibal" and have to admit that I was troubled by the pigs who eat people. I live next-door to a pig farm and ever since I saw that movie, I am afraid of those pigs. Sometimes, at night, I can see them looking at me through the fence with their greedy little pig eyes, and I can only imagine that they're thinking that I'd be good to eat with some scrambled eggs and biscuits. Roland, can you set the record s...
Welcome back to Entertainment Police, gents and gentiles, I hope you came hungry for some fresh whinin' and opinin'. We've got a new batch of movies for you to ogle and unlike the last batch, we promise these won't turn out to be Gremlins. But before we get to that, let's take a moment for America's favorite back-and-forth: Ask Roland!
Q. I recently watched the film "Hannibal" and have to admit that I was troubled by the pigs who eat people. I live next-door to a pig farm and ever since I saw that movie, I am afraid of those pigs. Sometimes, at night, I can see them looking at me through the fence with their greedy little pig eyes, and I can only imagine that they're thinking that I'd be good to eat with some scrambled eggs and biscuits. Roland, can you set the record straight? Do pigs really eat people?
Max Falcon, Corn Hole, Kansas
A. Thanks for your question Max. You should be able to sleep better at night knowing that of course pigs don't eat people! As a matter of fact, people eat pigs! It may surprise you to know that they're always screwing up little details like this in the movies. We have eagle-eyed viewers like yourself to thank when Hollywood is called to the carpet for their frequent oversights and blunders.
Q. Roland, what do you think of the recent death of Pauline Kael and what it will mean to the future of film criticism?
Regina Lumley,
Newtons Curve, Vermont
A. That's a great question, Regina. "Peppermint" Pauline has been a fixture in the Peanuts world since I was a boy, and few will miss her more acutely than Roland McShyster. It seems like just yesterday that she was calling Charlie Brown "Chuck" and goosing him behind the water fountain. To be honest, if I'd been a Peanuts character ("Rolo", perhaps?) I would have been all over her. And she probably would have gone for me, too. Hell, she didn't even know Snoopy was a dog, so she probably could have really used some glasses. Her loss? My gain! My friends always told me she played for the wrong team but to be honest I don't remember ever even seeing the team that the Peanuts gang was playing ball against all those years, they could have been Smurfs for all I know. But to answer your question, Reg, any day that they break Superman's back or have "Peppermint" Pauline drown when the dam goes out in Peanuttown just to boost readership is a dark day for all professions, film criticism included.
Now for the movies!
In Theaters Now:
Hardballs
James Bond is back, and this time his nemesis is a customer service rep at BMW who won't give 007 any love when his tricked-out Z8 starts making a weird clunking noise when he turns right. Not the most edge-of-your-seat Bond film to date, but for once I can really relate to his predicament.
Heart's in Atlantis
Following in the red-hot footsteps of last year's Oscar nominees Gladiator and Traffic, this year 70's hair band Heart enters the band-movie races with their mystical underwater adventure. Dubbed by some "The Not-So Little Mermaid", this flick features a mix of animation and live action, with plenty of Heart classics sang by fish, like "Barracuda", "All I Want to Do Is Make Love to Neptune" and "The Beautiful Briny Sea".
The Others
Finally, the Professor and Mary Ann get their own movie. Too bad it's a love story, I was
hoping for some clever cocoanut gadgets myself.
Planet of the Grape Apes
Nostalgia is big this month, and when I say big, I mean like 80-foot tall idiot gorilla big. This summer's special-effects blockbuster stars Mark Harmon as a cocksure astronaut who's interplanetary hot-dogging ends with him crash-landing on an uncharted planet in deep space, and landing on a small dog to boot. Before Harmon knows it, he's putting on a Beegily Beagily suit and driving a Minibus around, trying not to get sat on by any gigantic damn dirty purple apes and having comic misadventures in 22-minute bursts. This is thinking-man's sci-fi, with social overtones and dialogue that sticks with you for weeks, like: "You Moron! You Sat on My Car! Goddamn You to Hell!" "Grape Ape, Grape Ape?". Watch out for the double-whammy ending where Harmon discovers that the Grape Apes love grapes.
Now on Video:
Amorous Parrots
This sequel to the popular kidflick "Paulie" sees the wise-cracking Parrot (voiced by Woody Allen) sold to a bird breeder who plans to use him as a stud to boost her reproductive empire. But is the neurotic and self-doubting Paulie up to the task with a stable of big-crested female Parrots who only know how to say "Braaaaak, I've got a headache!" and who insist on being treated to dinner first? Finally, a sex comedy the whole family can enjoy.
Blow
Something tells me Pamela Anderson forgot to secure veto rights for the name of this sensationalized biography piece, and to be honest it's a little light on the home video footage. But still, American moviegoers should be happy they were spared a movie called "Pamdemonium" this year.
Enemy at the Gates'
Stephen Seagal's back and aiming for the techie crowd in his latest effort, where he portrays Megagazillionaire Bill Gates in his ass-kicking, neck-snapping battle against the US Justice Department. This one is a definite hit, and those of you out there who think computers are boring obviously haven't seen Seagal tenderize a courtroom full of DOJ thugs with PC keyboard. Sensitive strongman Carl Weathers classes up the production three notches with his turn as Judge Thomas "Action" Jackson.
Memento The Mexican
Loveable and hard-to-understand as ever, everyone's favorite tortilla mascot finally gets his own movie, and boy is it a doozie. Memento's donkey is so lazy that one day he has to pour hot sauce in the donkey's water pail to get him going, only he puts too much in and Mucho the Donkey runs away to the hills! I'm not even sure what Memento is doing for the rest of the film's 90 minute running time and most of it is in Spanish, but it hardly matters. I love that little guy!
The Tailor of Panama
Leave it to documentaries to shine the spotlight upon the hidden heroes of today's culture. This gem focuses on Armand DeJesus, the brilliant costume designer from Van Halen's seminal "Panama" video. Few men's greatness can be measured in Eddie Van Halen's pants, but Armand is the true exception in this case.
Alright folks, now that you're a better informed consumer, go on out there and consume!
What are you waiting for, an interest rate cut? See you next month!   |
