ith the November release of her third album, Britney, teen idol Britney Spears has set off a wave of controversy over the seemingly-erotic nature of the lyrics to her newest songs. Spears denies such allegations vehemently, pointing to her much-publicized and very occasionally believed virginity, and her total coyness in interviews, which she often conducts while being photographed riding a gigantic 18-foot dildo. “I think it’s important to stay a virgin until you get married,� Spears recently told The Straits Times of Singapore, wiping a long white streak of what appeared to be dried semen off her top lip. “It’s more special that way.�

Parents’ groups around the world are up in arms over Spears’ newest album, fearing the influence that the virginal exhibitionist might have over their teenage daughters, who often imitate Spears in dress, slang and in sleeping with members of ‘NSync. “Look, it wouldn’t be so bad if that little tramp would just admit that she’s given more blowjobs than Conair. That’s really the part that pisses me off, this whole ‘Who, me?’ act. I mean, Christ in a Corvette, who buys that crap? It might even be worth her influencing my daughter to get pregnant if they could just catch that little bitch in the act,� stated Connie Baustel, head of Mothers Against Bare Midriffs, a Baltimore-area Anti-Spears group.

“I’m tired of people with dirty minds always trying to read gross things into my songs. It’s sad that we live in a world where people think that even a song like ‘Split Me Open and Pound Me Raw’ is about sex,� said Spears when asked about her new album.

“I swear, you get a reputation in this industry and that’s all anyone sees when they look at you. I write a song about buying Christmas presents for my boyfriend’s parents, call it ‘I Wanna Do Your Whole Family,’ and all of a sudden my publicist’s phone is ringing off the hook. Talk about perverts,� Spears stated indignantly.

“I don’t know where these people get their ideas from. This album is about apple pie and fluffy kitties and meeting your pals down at the roller-rink. ‘Touch Me Where the Sun Don’t Shine’ is a really sweet song about first love. ‘Tongue My Anus’ is a song I wrote about my new puppy, Cuddler. You should see him, he’s just adorable,� claimed a totally straight-faced Spears.

The biggest uproar has been over the video for the album’s first single, “Knock Me Up, Knock Me Down,� which features a pregnant and black-eyed Spears performing a suggestive dance routine in front of a trailer home.

“Some people have no sense of art,� commented Spears when asked about the controversial song. “I mean, hell-o, obviously the song isn’t pro-domestic abuse.�

Others aren’t so sure, and some question the song’s lyrics: “Baby, dontcha wanna dance up on my face your love I can’t replace (repeat) / like that / you like it, huh? / I’ll carry your baby if you’ll give me your gravy / Get it, get it / Ohhh / Get it, get it / Ahhhh / Get it, get it / Ooooh / This feels good / Give me a smack and I don’t mean your lips / Show me you’re a man. . ./ Knock me up (heavy breathing) Knoooock me down / I deserve it / I can’t live without it.�

Spears’ album sales remain brisk despite the controversy, with a particularly strong showing in the creepy over-40 male demographic. And the Spears phenomena shows no signs of slowing, with a movie deal in the works and promotional tie-ins rumored for both The Disney Channel and Trojan condoms. For the time being, anyway, it looks like everything’s coming up Britney.

Spears’ fourth album, Cum-Hungry Buttfuck Doll, is due out in the spring.

he invention has been creating a buzz around the world before it was even revealed. Its inventors and investors guaranteed it would be the next big thing. And it’s finally revealed—the Segway HT, or Human Transporter, and it will forever change the world. Especially America, where Americans are barely walking on their own feet or engaging in any natural cardio exercise at all. The Segway HT promises to reduce American voluntary movement by up to 100%.

The Segway was invented by Dean Kamen, and its being hailed as the world’s first dynamic self-balancing human transporter.

In a recent commune poll, when asked about the major problems facing their lives, most Americans responded, in popular order: Terrorism, natural biological illnesses such as cancer and AIDS, lack of income and jobs with high mobility, medical insurance skyrocketing, the uncertain global economy, and random slasher murders. “Walking� received less than 1% of the poll, outranked by waking up nude outdoors and alien invasions.

Through a technology coined Dynamic Stabilization by the Segway LLC company, gyroscopes and tilt sensors calculate the device user’s center of gravity 100 times every second, adjusting accordingly and creating a sense of balance that makes the Segway safer to use than, say, a skateboard or surfboard with wheels. The device is also constructed to sustain the weight of fat people, who will likely be the first major market of the product outside of industry.

The Segway HT is now available for corporate and industrial usage in plants and offices, and will likely make its way to the general consumer by 2002, though those who use the product are expected to be subject to severe ridicule until the Segway HT implants itself in the consciousness of all America.

Once available, the Segway HT will retail for approximately $8,000. In contrast, even most expensive brands of shoes retail for less than $100.

If the device becomes a mainstay of American culture, for use beyond just yuppies and trendy pricks, scientists predict a drop in pollution, an average weight gain of over 80 lbs. per person, and the blood of Americans to contain about 40% butter.

The time has come, and no one is happier than I am. The honus is on the president to prove he's a man. He's been disrespected every which way by everybody in the business. Celebrities, political commentators, foreigners living abroad. Now the president has but one option to earn some respect: Kill a man with his bare hands.

Yes, at this point, even shooting a man in a gunfight in the middle of the day, high noon, will not get the president the respect he needs. He has waited far too long to make an example out of some ballsy jackass badmouthing him. The only way to get some goddamn respect at this point is a hands-on, take-no-prisoners approach.

When you think of our least-respected presidents, you know, Gerald Ford, think to yourself: Did he ever kill a man? Nope. Ford was not an elected official either, let's not forget that. He had more reason than anybody else to kill a man, it was necessary for him to earn the public's respect in a way no elected official needs. Especially with that Chevy Chase smart-ass giving him the business on Saturday Night Live each week. Sure, there are reports that Ford rubbed out a guy here or there for making fun of him and his golfing accidents, but without a body, without some verified film of it or whatever, he's a big pussy in the eyes of the nation—and our history books.

Who didn't sit up and take notice when Reagan, his first week in office, grabbed that cook in the White House kitchen and drowned him in the big pot of clam chowder? All those wise-asses shut the fuck up real quick back then. The statement was clear: Shut the fuck up now or you're next.

Bush followed suit strongly, leading the charge into Panama in 1989, not even a weapon in hand, and beating Manuel Noriega to death with a loaf of stale bread, impaling him on an American flag that was left flying on the capitol building for some months for all to see. A tough move, no doubt, he got some respect with a capital R. And now, with the current president under such strain and trial, a lot of pundits are asking: Like father, like son?

George W. Bush has but one course of action as I see it: The next time he's out in public somewhere, pick the biggest guy out of the crowd. And break him like a goddamned baby. Whether or not the guy says anything, hell, he can even be Bush's biggest supporter, I don't care, that's the only way he's going to get props at this point. And weapons are out. Bare hands, kung fu or backstreet brawler style, the kind of mano-a-mano the Ultimate Fighting Championship founders would be proud of. If Bush's shirt happens to tear and reveal his ripped muscular physique, all the better. People need to be saying, for weeks afterward, "Christ on the rag, did you see what the president did to that big motherfucker on the White House lawn? I wouldn't want to be that asshole, that's for sure."

I have faith in the president. As his campaign slogan made clear, he comes from a long line of ass-kickers goin' way back. But now, if there was ever a time, now is the time to prove it.

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