ov. 29, 2001 America lost another revered musician and inspiration for thousands of musicians in George Harrison, member of the Beatles and solo artist since 1970. Harrison was 58.

And news of Harrison's death and pervasive media coverage has made everyone in America an expert on the life and music of George Harrison, at least for a while.

"Harrison was never interested in school work," said New York City bartender Rupert Holmes. "But he really enjoyed a guitar his mother bought him for £3. He would sit in his room and practice for hours, until his fingers bled."

"Harrison formed the Quarrymen with John Lennon, which soon included bandmate and future Beatle Paul McCartney," said Alice Carter, a real estate agent in Twin Falls, Idaho. "The band eventually changed its name to the Beatles, a play on the word 'beat,' and honed their craft in a seedy club in Hamburg."

Greg Batley, a 29-year-old mechanic from Atlanta, Georgia, continued: "Harrison grew as a songwriter working alongside Lennon and McCartney. He would continue to become a fantastic songwriter in his own right, contributing hits over the years like 'The Taxman,' 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps,' "Something,' and 'Here Comes the Sun.'"

Batley hummed the latter composition for a few minutes.

"He introduced America to the sitar," stated Kansas City, Missouri police officer Mark Kite. "He became friends and musically influenced by Ravi Shankar. While in his personal life he became intrigued by eastern philosophy and religion, a fascination which he passed on to the other Beatles."

"After the break-up of the Beatles," said John Ulee, a Seattle-based computer programmer, "Harrison was the first to experience solo success with a composition called 'My Sweet Lord.' He went on to put together the Concert for Bangladesh, the first all-star benefit of its kind. Years before 'We Are the World.'"

Minor League baseball player Wes Murphy of Durham, North Carolina continued: "In later years, Harrison's biggest success in music was from the hit 'Got My Mind Set on You' off his album Cloud 9, and also with Tom Petty, Roy Orbison, Jeff Lynne, and Bob Dylan as a member of The Traveling Wilburys. Harrison said of the low-key experience, 'It beats being a Beatle.'"

"Harrison experienced his first bout with cancer in the late '90s," said baker Lynette McKeegan of Salt Lake City, Utah. "In '99 he was assaulted by a deranged fan, from which he recovered, but cancer only dug in deeper and in late November he lost his battle with it. Harrison leaves behind a $300 million estate to his wife and his son, it's like Donnie, but there's an 'H' in there, I think. Harrison was 58."

The amazing retention of Harrison information astounds even self-proclaimed Beatles fans.

"I have all their CDs," said Rich Carlisle of Pennsauken, New Jersey, "and I always kept forgetting he wrote, 'For You, Blue.' Kept thinking it was McCartney. And I didn't know he had a girlfriend that left him for Eric Clapton. I'm starting to think I'm not much of a fan at all."

The retention, however complete right now, is expected to fade gradually as Americans mourn Harrison's loss and move on to the next expired celebrity.

"I love Harrison," said Craig Bachman of Orlando, Florida, "and I've been burning out a recent copy of All Things Must Pass I bought last year. But I don't know how long I'll remember he was behind Handmaid Films which made Time Bandits and Monty Python's The Life of Brian. I'm already starting to forget Jack Lemmon was in The Apartment. Lemmon was 76."

ith the November release of her third album, Britney, teen idol Britney Spears has set off a wave of controversy over the seemingly-erotic nature of the lyrics to her newest songs. Spears denies such allegations vehemently, pointing to her much-publicized and very occasionally believed virginity, and her total coyness in interviews, which she often conducts while being photographed riding a gigantic 18-foot dildo. “I think it’s important to stay a virgin until you get married,� Spears recently told The Straits Times of Singapore, wiping a long white streak of what appeared to be dried semen off her top lip. “It’s more special that way.�

Parents’ groups around the world are up in arms over Spears’ newest album, fearing the influence that the virginal exhibitionist might have over their teenage daughters, who often imitate Spears in dress, slang and in sleeping with members of ‘NSync. “Look, it wouldn’t be so bad if that little tramp would just admit that she’s given more blowjobs than Conair. That’s really the part that pisses me off, this whole ‘Who, me?’ act. I mean, Christ in a Corvette, who buys that crap? It might even be worth her influencing my daughter to get pregnant if they could just catch that little bitch in the act,� stated Connie Baustel, head of Mothers Against Bare Midriffs, a Baltimore-area Anti-Spears group.

“I’m tired of people with dirty minds always trying to read gross things into my songs. It’s sad that we live in a world where people think that even a song like ‘Split Me Open and Pound Me Raw’ is about sex,� said Spears when asked about her new album.

“I swear, you get a reputation in this industry and that’s all anyone sees when they look at you. I write a song about buying Christmas presents for my boyfriend’s parents, call it ‘I Wanna Do Your Whole Family,’ and all of a sudden my publicist’s phone is ringing off the hook. Talk about perverts,� Spears stated indignantly.

“I don’t know where these people get their ideas from. This album is about apple pie and fluffy kitties and meeting your pals down at the roller-rink. ‘Touch Me Where the Sun Don’t Shine’ is a really sweet song about first love. ‘Tongue My Anus’ is a song I wrote about my new puppy, Cuddler. You should see him, he’s just adorable,� claimed a totally straight-faced Spears.

The biggest uproar has been over the video for the album’s first single, “Knock Me Up, Knock Me Down,� which features a pregnant and black-eyed Spears performing a suggestive dance routine in front of a trailer home.

“Some people have no sense of art,� commented Spears when asked about the controversial song. “I mean, hell-o, obviously the song isn’t pro-domestic abuse.�

Others aren’t so sure, and some question the song’s lyrics: “Baby, dontcha wanna dance up on my face your love I can’t replace (repeat) / like that / you like it, huh? / I’ll carry your baby if you’ll give me your gravy / Get it, get it / Ohhh / Get it, get it / Ahhhh / Get it, get it / Ooooh / This feels good / Give me a smack and I don’t mean your lips / Show me you’re a man. . ./ Knock me up (heavy breathing) Knoooock me down / I deserve it / I can’t live without it.�

Spears’ album sales remain brisk despite the controversy, with a particularly strong showing in the creepy over-40 male demographic. And the Spears phenomena shows no signs of slowing, with a movie deal in the works and promotional tie-ins rumored for both The Disney Channel and Trojan condoms. For the time being, anyway, it looks like everything’s coming up Britney.

Spears’ fourth album, Cum-Hungry Buttfuck Doll, is due out in the spring.

The time has come, and no one is happier than I am. The honus is on the president to prove he's a man. He's been disrespected every which way by everybody in the business. Celebrities, political commentators, foreigners living abroad. Now the president has but one option to earn some respect: Kill a man with his bare hands.

Yes, at this point, even shooting a man in a gunfight in the middle of the day, high noon, will not get the president the respect he needs. He has waited far too long to make an example out of some ballsy jackass badmouthing him. The only way to get some goddamn respect at this point is a hands-on, take-no-prisoners approach.

When you think of our least-respected presidents, you know, Gerald Ford, think to yourself: Did he ever kill a man? Nope. Ford was not an elected official either, let's not forget that. He had more reason than anybody else to kill a man, it was necessary for him to earn the public's respect in a way no elected official needs. Especially with that Chevy Chase smart-ass giving him the business on Saturday Night Live each week. Sure, there are reports that Ford rubbed out a guy here or there for making fun of him and his golfing accidents, but without a body, without some verified film of it or whatever, he's a big pussy in the eyes of the nation—and our history books.

Who didn't sit up and take notice when Reagan, his first week in office, grabbed that cook in the White House kitchen and drowned him in the big pot of clam chowder? All those wise-asses shut the fuck up real quick back then. The statement was clear: Shut the fuck up now or you're next.

Bush followed suit strongly, leading the charge into Panama in 1989, not even a weapon in hand, and beating Manuel Noriega to death with a loaf of stale bread, impaling him on an American flag that was left flying on the capitol building for some months for all to see. A tough move, no doubt, he got some respect with a capital R. And now, with the current president under such strain and trial, a lot of pundits are asking: Like father, like son?

George W. Bush has but one course of action as I see it: The next time he's out in public somewhere, pick the biggest guy out of the crowd. And break him like a goddamned baby. Whether or not the guy says anything, hell, he can even be Bush's biggest supporter, I don't care, that's the only way he's going to get props at this point. And weapons are out. Bare hands, kung fu or backstreet brawler style, the kind of mano-a-mano the Ultimate Fighting Championship founders would be proud of. If Bush's shirt happens to tear and reveal his ripped muscular physique, all the better. People need to be saying, for weeks afterward, "Christ on the rag, did you see what the president did to that big motherfucker on the White House lawn? I wouldn't want to be that asshole, that's for sure."

I have faith in the president. As his campaign slogan made clear, he comes from a long line of ass-kickers goin' way back. But now, if there was ever a time, now is the time to prove it.

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