n investigative arm of Congress known only by the shadowy moniker of the General Accounting Office released a report on Tuesday detailing the extensive damage found by the Bush administration upon moving into the White House following Clinton's presidency. The report was requested by Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia, who found a badly decomposed mackerel in his suitcase after a recent round of bi-partisan prankery in the House and was as pissed as a Kennedy on St. Patrick's Day.

"When we got here, this place looked like a cross between Animal House and The Money Pit," stated Barr, flaunting his knowledge of house-themed comedy films.

According to the GAO report, Bush administration staffers found a veritable house of horrors upon moving into the White House in January of 2001. Drawers were glued shut, toilets were plugged with cement, and a life-sized wax statue of former president Gerald Ford was found in a compromising position in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Additionally, White House phones with speed-dial buttons marked with innocuous titles like "Pentagon" and "Chinese Food" were programmed to dial 1-900 sex numbers and a dildo wholesaler in Texas. One couch was horribly burnt, another was found floating in the pool and a large block of very old cheese was found beneath a dresser in the Blue Room.

Apparently, vandals had also damaged keyboards by removing all of the "W" keys and had burned a dirty limerick into the carpet of the Vermeil Room as the Clinton administration moved out of the White House last year. An unknown party also made off with a large presidential seal and the presidential mini-fridge, the investigative arm of Congress said on Tuesday.

But the General Accounting Office stopped short of making its own estimate of the extent of the damage reported by aides of Republican President Bush after they moved into the White House a year and a half ago, instead giving the White House a vague "shithole" rating.

It was not clear how much of the reported damage was intentional, or who was responsible for writing lyrics to songs by The Doors on multiple walls in neon-colored markers. It's difficult to assess how much of the repair money would have had to be spent anyway as part of the usual nightmarish presidential transition, the GAO said.

"Who the fuck knows, man?" GAO staffer Larry Worthram said of the damages. "They should just be happy the damn place is still standing, you know? I heard about some wild shit going on here, you know what I'm sayin'? Good times, man, good times. And it's all cool, you know, but I for one wouldn't try to reuse any of the bedding in there. But that's just me."

The report noted Bush administration estimates that it had cost some $14,000 to get West Wing of the White House and adjacent Eisenhower Executive Office Building into shape and to remove the smell of stale gym socks and leftover pizza after the Bush team moved in.

Barr requested the report from the GAO last year after he heard the touching story of a female Bush staffer who was injured when she tripped over a beer bong while the new administration was moving in on Jan. 20, 2001.

"Apparently those Clinton boys were a real group of party guys, some real fun lovers," Barr said of the report. "Assholes." Clinton's office in New York had no comment on the GAO document or Barr's big, blubbery butt.

The GAO recommended a "check-out" process for departing presidential staff in the future that includes detailed cleaning instructions and a 30-point checklist involving the mandatory cleaning of mini-blinds and conditions under which the departing president will be charged for carpet cleaning expenses. The checklist will have to be filled out in triplicate and signed by the departing president, under penalty of forfeiture of the White House security deposit.

The GAO report also noted that there had been damage observed during previous presidential transitions. Two people told the GAO that the damage Clinton's team found in 1993, when Bush's father had just moved out, was even worse than in 2001, and that they'd never seen so many used condoms in their whole entire lives.

fearful nation was relieved at the end of an 8-hour period in which President George W. Bush was left home alone in the White House. According to White House sources, though the potential for harm to the president, the nation, and the house itself was great, the president's 8-hour unsupervised period ended without incident.

It started as an evacuation of the White House after a lost pilot, flying a private Cessna, flew through White House airspace. Heightened precautions called for the White House staff and administration to leave the building until the potential threat was abated, and somehow in the confusion, the president was left unsupervised.

"I thought [secret service operative] Larry had him, Larry thought I had him," said secret service operative Todd Henry. "I guess the little bugger got away from us. It happens."

When it was discovered everyone had vacated the White House except for the president, secret service commander Dick Gautier immediately ordered agents to return for the president. It was upon their return they found the White House doors locked and the windows sealed shut.

"It's not uncommon for the president to lock us out of rooms inside the White House," admitted Gautier. "Either intentionally or by lack of understanding of the door locking mechanism. But this was the first time the entire secret service, indeed everyone in the White House, had been locked outside with the president inside."

White House officials took quick steps to keep the information silent, but White House press had already noticed the president missing from his outside emergency pen and suspected something was amiss. commune correspondent Lil Duncan broke the story with privileged information obtained from some masculine insider source who allegedly resembles Richard Grieco. With little other recourse, White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer informed the press.

"At this time, the president is believed to be alone in the White House," said Fleischer, refusing to take any questions. "He will not come to the door and does not answer the phone, but it is possible he can't hear us knocking or ringing. Keep in mind, it is a big house. We suspect right now he is watching TV in the presidential den."

Initially the secret service offered no explanation if the president had been left inside by someone locking the door on their way out or if the president had locked the doors and windows himself intentionally. The president could be seen walking briefly past an east side window, pausing, holding a hand up to his ear, and shrugging his shoulders before leaving view, a beer in his hand.

The anxious waiting ended at 7:25 p.m. when a secret service agent returned from home with a wire coathanger. The back door of the White House was then jimmied open and the secret service led the return into the house. The president was found playing Grand Theft Auto 3 in the presidential game room, apparently oblivious to the evacuation.

An angry nation will no doubt demand attention to this situation for weeks to come, as long as the networks are showing repeats. It is expected that secret service and other government agencies will take steps to prevent the president being left unsupervised in the future. There is talk of hiding an extra key to the White House somewhere on the grounds, though for the sake of national security no one is saying where. the commune has it on good information that on top of a high window shudder or taped under the mailbox are leading good secret key spots as of press time.

I don't watch Oprah's show anymore, for quite a while now, ever since she replaced her hookers and lesbians with books. What's the deal there? One day the show is about giving women a forum to curse out they baby's daddy and the next day it's like a friggin' library or something. If I want a library, I'll go some place, like a book store.

Frankly, I've never understood America's fascination with books. Okay, there's a bunch of words. So…? If I want to read words, I can get them in magazines. Have you ever tried reading one of these books? They always start just boring as hell. "John Fancypants was stranded on an island. His food and water was limited and he could die at any minute." Yeah, so? Does he die or what? You want me to read the whole book to find out? I don't have time, pal, I work for a living.

Worse than that are books that start and don't even tell you what you're reading the book for. At least with the guy on the desert island book you know in the first few words where the guy is and what the deal is. Have you ever read one of these books: "Jane Fancypants was a twenty-one year old student at Midwestern College, majoring in Marine Biology." Aw, Christ, now we have to know everything about your stupid "character" before we can find out why we're reading about you. What bullshit. It's like a foreign film or something. If I wanted to read and learn slowly about characters, I'd go to a foreign film. At least I know how long it will last, two or three hours. A book I could be trapped reading for a few days, weeks, or years.

And why are all the characters named Fancypants? That's stupid and obvious. I'm not interested in any character with such a stupid name. On top of that, Fancypants isn't even the stupidest name.

I tried reading books before, really, so it's not like I don't know what I'm talking about. My tutor on the set of Who's Your Daddy? was really big on teaching me a love for books, which is probably why I hate them, it was the worst part of being a star. He assigned me a book called Moby Dick to read once. Wait, before you get all worked up, the shit's about a whale. No kidding. At least there was a picture of a whale on the cover. I got to the first line and was instantly lost. "Call me Ishmael." What the hell is that about? This dude is going to write a book and before he even gets into the story he wants some asshole to call him. A publisher or something? Man, get your shit together before you put it in your dumb book.

You ever heard of this one: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." You're talking about two different times, dickhead. Once again, get your shit together and then send your finished book, hopefully shortened, and maybe I'll try reading it again.

With all that said, I've gotten into the commune's new Book Revolt feature pretty well. It's cool that books can be shortened into magazine-type formats and printed in the commune. Really you're saving trees by doing that and, more importantly, you're saving my time. Just take the best part of your book and put it into a short form I can read and leave me the hell alone. I don't care if your book has 100 tips for beautiful skin or a cure for cancer or whatever, if it's more than a couple pages you're losing me.

Hopefully all of you reading this know what I'm talking about and together we can make a statement to these blabber-typing authors out there who insist on putting nuances and pacing into their stories. Then again, if you're really on my side, you surely didn't get further than the first few sentences without getting bored as hell and going off to search for celebrity pics of Josh Hartnett.

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