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November 11, 2002   
The truth - we're full of it
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort ‘N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Scientists Discover Massive Burrito at Center of Galaxy

Unexpected entrée sets off grumble in tummy of astronomical community
October 28, 2002
Marquette, Michigan
Imagining Dept.
The space burrito, if of the breakfast variety, could decide the "chicken vs. the egg" debate forever. Unless there’s a massive space chicken someplace.
A
stronomers at Michigan’s Northern Peninsula Basalt College went public today with observations made near the cloudy heart of the Milky Way Galaxy, which have indicated with near certainty the existence of a massive central space burrito, a theoretical Mexican entrée that had previously eluded detection.

"I was staying late in the lab one night, after everybody else had gone home," stated the lab’s head astronomer, Bruce Coltrane. "And I was getting pretty tired and hungry so I was about to shut off the telescopes and get some late-night BBQ when I caught sight of something on the screen that didn’t seem quite right."

"At first I thought somebody must’ve taped another one of those pictures cut out of a Maxim to the screen, since the guys are pretty funny ...Read more...

Sniper Perpetuates Exciting New Muslim Stereotypes

Old negative typecasting replaced by brand new negative images
October 28, 2002
Rockville, Maryland
Whit Pistol/AP
Police search the vehicle belonging to daring new stereotype and alleged sniper John Allen Muhammad. The picture of the gun is for shits and giggles.
R
eligious differences again proved insurmountable, this time in the case of the pair of snipers who terrorized the east coast of the United States with a string of fatal attacks that left ten dead and countless others terrified to walk in a straight line to work or school.

The suspects arrested for the crimes, John Allen Muhammad and John Lee Malvo, were like a Sanford & Son for the Guns and Ammo set, spending years of their lives as desperate loners together, acting for reasons not yet known to the public as they killed random victims and threatened the United States, requesting the reasonable extortion fee of $10 million to cease their terror. While little is known about the suspects, it is known that Muhammad, a Muslim, has done a bang-up job in putting a positive fo...Read more...

Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around



November 11, 2002
Click for Biography

Perry Ellis' America

the commune's Red Bagel knows who wears the pants in this country
Visit a gun show or tune in to the Flag Waiving Channel any hour of the day or night and you'd be led to believe that America is the truest of all democracies, guided gently by elected leaders who do all of the hard thinking and caring for us. Sleep tight in that delusion, my friends. For every American not victim to this mass hysteria can see the boot-cut truth: This is Perry Ellis' America.

We just live in it.

I ask you: What better guise than a fey, girlish fashion queenpin from which to pull the puppet strings of World Domination? And when I say that, I don't mean the fun kind of leather and latex domination you read about in Harper's. I refer to something much more cruel and non-sexual; think Hulk Hogan subjecting Andre the Giant to a Polynesian Nippl...Read more...

º Last Column: Those Guys From Cribs Were Just Casing My Penthouse
º more columns







Quote of the Day
“I have not yet begun to finish my senten…”

-John Paul Jones
Fortune 500 Cookie
Everything’s looking up this week, to avoid making eye contact with you. At long last it has become clear that your master’s degree in goat teasing was a total waste of time. Everyone knows sneezing into your sleeve is just good manners, you should try the same when you break wind. On the bright side, we showed a picture of you to a time-traveler who stopped by the office last week, and he said "Oh Jesus, that guy?" so apparently you’re well-known in the future. This week’s lucky gadgets: HP iPlaid (launching next week on clearance), Samsung MySlate laptop-sized smartphone, iRobot Chippy: Autonomous Quadrotor Personal Killdrone, Sonicareless dental apathy kit, Windows 7 Phone in Bluescreen Blue.

Try again later.
Top 5 Smart New Weight Loss Tips
1.Carbs are like the devil’s penis: Delicious but fattening.
2.After a workout, treat yourself to a tasty ice cube sandwich.
3.Weigh yourself after masturbating. For guys, you’ll be a little bit lighter. For the ladies, you won’t be so upset when you find out you’re still fat.
4.You’re never going to lose any weight if you insist on eating every single day.
5.At-home liposuction is the third-easiest surgery to perform on yourself at home, after heart valve roto-rootering and a cock transplant.
Last IssueLast Issue’s Lead News Story

Future Bob Fails to Prevent Senator's Death

View Past Columns
BY roland mcshyster
10/28/2002
Hello hello, America!


Boy have we got some nipples for you this week! I ca- nipples? You know what I mean, America, movies. Weird. Some people think it's significant when you nip out like that, ma- slip up, nip rocks, whatever. It's not like this is a column about taut, hairy man-nipples or anything. Woman! Woman nipples. Hairless and soft. I mean, it's not about that either, but if this column were about nipples, it sure as hell wouldn't be about any tempting, salty, lickable man nipples. Gross.


All right, let's get to the boobies before somebody gets hurt.


In Theaters



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Ford loves to kiss its own ass over the fact that they present the hit drama ...Read more...