ports fans were surprised by this week's announcement that Emmitt Smith would not return to the Dallas Cowboys for another season. Cowboys management and affiliates were quick to say Smith's talents were not diminishing, and the prime factor in their consideration was the running back's $9.8 million salary. However, some are pointing a finger to Smith's life off the field as the real cause.

"Everyone is more than a little curious about his relationship with ALF," said an anonymous Cowboy, dressed as a cowboy. "We're not suggesting there's more to it than it seems, but c'mon—it's weird. If it were that guy from Max Headroom or Morton Downey, Jr., it would be strange, but nobody would really think twice. Is it '80s nostalgia? What's going on there?"

Others are also alluding to Emmitt Smith's alleged friendship with '80s celebrity/puppet alien ALF as a trouble spot that turned Cowboys management against him. Smith and the puppet met on the set of a long-distance phone commercial last year and have reportedly been close friends since. Many close acquaintances of both insist the two share an innocent friendship, attending sporting events, barbecues, and enjoying movie rental marathons together; but as a high-profile sports celebrity in a country where human-puppet relationships are under close scrutiny, some say Smith has left too much unsaid for the comfort of many sports fans.

"Everybody's wondering about Dallas Cowboy Emmitt Smith and 4-foot sitcom hairball ALF!" reported a recent gossip-column we copied word for word. "They claim it's all just fun, but you can't believe everything ALF says! When was the last time you saw a four-time All-Pro and Super Bowl MVP bar-hopping with a cat-eating Muppet? You can forgive our curiosity, I'm sure!"

While some would feel better with clarification from Smith or his felt cohort, others insist it isn't public business.

"Whatever Emmitt and Grover do by themselves is their business," said Cowboy quarterback Quincy Carter. "He's a stand-up guy and one of the best players in the NFL. That thing he hangs out with gives me the creeps, yeah, and I want to punch its face in when it tells me to dial 10-10-321, but none of that makes a difference when you need a first-class running back. They never should have let him go."

In a phone interview, someone claiming to be ALF attempted to set the record straight.

"This is ridiculous, and everyone knows it," said the Melmackian. "Why would anyone sign up for one of those outrageous programs and be obligated to pay premium prices when they could dial 10-10-321 from anywhere and save major bucks on long-distance? All calls for 7 cents a minute, no weird schedules to remember, no hidden charges! That's a lot of money you can save—and that's a lot of cats!"

The phone was suddenly cut off after the sound of a door being broken open, and the heavy sound of punching ensued, leading us to believe Carter had broken in and made good on his threat to punch the puppet's face in.

orth Korean leader and Roy Orbison impersonator Kim Jong Il broke the crazy-o-meter this week with claims that U.S. spy planes were provoking war by taking photos of covert military operations and attempting to acquire nude pictures of him in the shower.

Kim Jong Il stated Wednesday that the United States was trying to "start a war" with the prolific spy plane invasions of airspace, and accused the U.S. of 180 such incidents last month. The ultimate insult, Jong Il reported in the official Rodong Sinmun newspaper, was that those spy planes were equipped with high-tech cameras able to peer into walls and photograph him naked. These naked pictures, Jong Il told the country, would be placed on websites to humiliate the North Korean leader and the country as a whole.

When asked for comment, White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer responded: "You want a comment? Come on, people. This is one of those rare instances where you can't possibly expect me to put any spin on the situation. Kim Jong Il certainly has interesting ideas about what our technology is capable of. Just in case he's monitoring our media sources, I will state for the record: This administration has no interest in seeing Mr. Jong Il naked. Under any circumstances, in any setting."

Despite the White House's claims, Kim Jong Il may be able to present proof of his accusations. A search of Google for "chubby Korean man nude shower" revealed quite a number of pictures, any of whom could have been Kim Jong Il.

According to Rodong Sinmun, the voice of the North Korean government, "Americans seek to shame the Korean people and its leader. To see people naked is the only American goal. Elaborate high-tech spy plane will attempt nude picture collection of the great Kim Jong Il, then post him for all to see on billboard Internet, to much laughter, shame, and masturbation. Once Americans feel superior all Koreans will be pictured naked on world wide webs."

Consulted about the accusations, Pentagon officials unequivocally stated the charges were ludicrous.

"Trust me," said Gen. Anvill Poke, "the technology to see people naked, especially through walls, is extremely far off in the future and not a focus of any of our weapons development plans. Jesus Christ, I can't believe I'm even answering this—what kind of newspaper are you from again? Look, if we had the capability to see through walls and take pictures of people naked why would we go to North Korea? Personally, I'd find the address of that girl from J.A.G. and do a few hundred passes over that house."

University of Tennessee Anthropology professor Kristin Blakebobber described the North Korean mentality: "These people are not all that different from us—they merely lack information about the world outside. To them, a very private and nationalistic people, this seems like a particularly egregious insult by the United States, if proven true. They already believe our country despises theirs for their way of life and would like to destroy them. Given their respect for concealing the body and modesty, Kim Jong Il is using a phobia and an existing mistrust to stir the anti-U.S. sentiment of his entire nation. If they believe his accusations, they will follow him in whatever stance he takes against the Western world."

While it was very interesting information, Blakebobber was asked to leave the office and not barge in while the reporters are working; she was told she would be contacted by us when we wanted a quote, and left without incident.

Voluminous volumes have been scribed about the decay of American moral values in the last 30 years. And one can hardly blame the writers. A quick peek through your wrought-iron window grills confirms the truth: it's mean out there. Where once America was nothing but promenade upon promenade of well-dressed and even-better-heeled Americans radiating goodwill and even-better-cheer, now a trip outside is more like American Gladiators week on That Jerry Springer Show.

Pundits have linked our present reality to a swan dive from the values of the Great Generation, though few have had the guts to tell those geezers that every generation calls itself that, even the flappers. And they were about as great as the work ethic on a cocaine farm. But still, sentimentalists pine for the days when Americans were good and the Japs were bad, not the great flip-flop of the 1980's when the opposite was true, or even today, when both Americans and Japanese are merely okay.

Back in the days after World War II things were more black and white, literally. A man stood by his word, unless he was a prick. And yes, there were pricks even back then. There have always been pricks, through the shores of time. There were pricks in the Garden of Eden! Two of them! There was a reason nobody ever came to visit Adam and Eve, you know.

Today, however, everyone is a prick. Even you. Don't argue, it just proves my point further. Gone are the days when strangers lent a helping hand and people called each other "friend." No, we've progressed through "pal," "bub" and "mac" on this increasingly sarcastic train to Pricksville. Now even "Jerk!" is seen as a friendly greeting, better that than "Hey fag-ass, get that piece of shit off the road!" or "Bitch, I said paper AND plastic!"

Back in kinder days, comedy was about making people feel good about themselves, thinking of funny ways to say how smart and good-looking someone was. Today, it's all about tearing down the fragile façade of someone's personality and copulating with their nose-hole in an aggressive fashion. Oh, what a lark.

These days the prevailing ethic is every man for himself, and women had better stay skinny to keep themselves useful. If I don't know you, you can suck on my nuts, greaseball. And God forbid you should drive your car like you own it and didn't just steal it out of a police impound lot. That's grounds for being run off the road in most states.

How did we get here? Was it the sixties? Or the eighties? Was it drugs, violence in the movies or sugar-coated breakfast cereals? Was it sex out of wedlock, on the beach or on a train with a fox? Or was it the Disney Channel? Was it the Three Stooges, or just one of them? Was it rap music, fast food or SUVs? Ooh, that's a good one. I hate those SUVs. They're so hard to park.

In truth, nobody can say exactly what it was that turned us all into card-carrying members of Jerks Anonymous. Maybe there are just too many people on the planet for us to be polite anymore. Too many things to do and places to be, and too many people in the way, driving seventeen miles an hour with the turn signal on. Maybe it was inevitable. But I'd like to think we can do better. Even when the world rubs us the wrong way, we need to rise above and treat all people with dignity and respect.

Unless they "borrowed" a section out of your newspaper without asking. Those people can just fucking die.

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