80s Rock Icon Don Johnson Denies Money Laundering Allegations

he entangled world of celebrity indictments grew thicker this week with questions arising concerning an alleged money-laundering scam involving popular '80s contemporary rock star Don Johnson. Johnson, most famous for his 1986 Billboard top 5 hit "Heartbeat," denied the accusations unequivocally.

According to an unnamed German source we're calling Sigfried, Johnson was found carrying $8 billion in cash, bonds, and share certificates which sparked an investigation of money laundering by authorities. Evidence verifying or nullifying the claim has been slow to surface.

Johnson, a successful '80s pop vocalist/songwriter, called the rumors "ill-founded and farcical," though outside sources claim the actual quote was "farcical and ill-founded." According to the stylish, gravel-voiced singer, the unfounded accusations have already caused him embarrassment and irreparable career damage: Two credit card accounts have been closed for investigation and the Epic record label has dropped the artist, approximately 2 weeks to 14 years ago.

The charges seem compounded in the wake of other celebrity criminal news, including the ongoing preliminary trial of actor Robert Blake for the murder of wife Bonnie Lee Bakley, as well as the shoplifting trial of Winona Ryder and implications of extortion and mafia connections to kung fu master Steven Seagal. Statistics invented quite recently suggest the American public has grown weary of celebrity scandal and grows more inclined to believe charges, even when presented without evidence.

Johnson became a dominant force in contemporary rock with his 1986 album Heartbeat and the eponymous single, which rose high on Billboard charts and established a new soundscape for late-'80s rock. Aided by Johnson's dry golden hair and rugged, stubble-laden good looks, as well as his penchant for sockless pastel slacks and sport jackets, Johnson's strong feel for powerful synth music and evocative lyrics established him as a rising star in rock. However, a lag in returning to the studio made Johnson's work on the similar Let it Roll sound dated and familiar in 1989. The popularity of his music paved the way for Johnson's work in other projects, such as TV's detective show Miami Vice and Melanie Griffith. Johnson became reclusive after the disappointment of his follow-up album, rarely appearing movies, refusing to do interviews, and accepting a role in a Friday night CBS television series.

Hopes for a musical comeback diminish in the wake of the money-laundering allegations. Some insiders suggest Johnson, a perfectionist with his music, had been working on his follow-up album since 1992 in a secretive sound studio in Los Angeles, foregoing his well-established "Miami sound." Others say plans for a project for a Traveling Wilburys-type supergroup with Bruce Willis, David Hasselhoff, Jim McMahon, and Dogstar bassist Keanu Reeves have been indefinitely sidelined.

ast-minute attempts at peaceful resolutions having likely failed, the United States presumably entered into war with Iraq again Monday, March 17 at some undisclosed time in the day. Though the information has yet to be verified, it is supported by popular opinion, with degrees of variation on the exact time and date, March 17 being the earliest estimation and March 19 the latest.

The hypothetical war came after months of accusations from the Bush administration that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein was harboring biological weapons and had the potential to create weapons of mass destruction. The debate deteriorated in recent months into press bytes back and forth between the countries as Bush attempted to curry favor with the U.N. and receive backing for military action in accordance with resolutions Iraq signed after cessation of the Gulf War, also known as "Bush Vs. Iraq: Round 1" among funnier members of the staff.

The preceding week brought the tension to full as Bush, responding to the irritation of the American people, announced a March 17 deadline for Iraq to disarm its real or imaginary weapons and the administration haggled with opposing members of the U.N. security counsel for approval to the deadline. As Saddam Hussein had yet to meet the ambiguous guidelines of the deadline date, it is 99.9% probable that the United States felt no recourse but to begin war with Iraq on March 17.

All signs point to elongated periods of carpet bombings of marked Iraqi weapons sites, with claims of civilian casualties by Iraq already supposedly rising as the U.S. undoubtedly insisted all targets are verified as weapons facilities. If all goes according to military plans established months ago, bombing most likely will cease around March 19 as troops move in for implied ground war.

Though U.S. opinion will be mixed, the majority of Americans will most likely support the war with the assumption its unpatriotic to disagree in a time of war. After weeks of continued warfare with reassurance from the president U.S. troops are making progress in their goals, the larger population will tire of the war news and urge the president to resolve the whole mess quicker, sparking claims that while Saddam Hussein has presumably not been removed from power, objectives to locate and disarm weapons as a greater goal have been successful, and Saddam Hussein can be hobbled permanently by sanctions and treaties.

Without a doubt, the price tag for the war will have dug the United States deeper into debt and made the outlook for the economy bleaker, which the Democratic candidates for the presidency will jump on despite their expressions of approval for the war during its time. As jobs disappear and wages continue to drop, the approval rating for the Bush administration will reach all-time lows, despite achieving near-record highs during late 2001 to early 2003. All attempts to turn attention to domestic issues will come too late and Americans will join in bitter debates with each other as the country probably grows even more divisive, yet in an extremely close presidential election in 2004 the as-yet-unnamed Democratic candidate will win the electoral college vote by a significant margin, while the disparity in the popular vote, while still in his or her favor, will be much closer.

Theoretical details of long-term side-effects of American soldiers exposed to the irradiated munitions of their weapons could not be hypothesized at press time. Further information will come as clearer patterns of repetition emerge.

Okay, time to fess it up. Who is Boris secret Valentine?

Is Louis? Not thinking so. Louis only give Valentine to hooker and Louis mother.

Is Bagel Red? Still not thinking so. Bagel Red only love money and Sesame Streets.

So who is Valentine? Ah, is secret. From picture Boris think Valentine is small person, like Webster. This is Boris hunch. Secret Valentine is fun game, no?

Yes! Silly question.

Boris is smiling when secret Valentine send "peek-my-boo" cards. How nice to think of Boris! Cards says "Have you seen me?" with picture. Not yet, secret Valentine! But soon?

Speaking when honest, Boris think secret Valentine not so smart. Underneath picture is name, age, and how tall. Woops! Not so good secret when Boris know how tall is Valentine.

But still, who is complaining? Not Boris isn't. No, not that waste of time for Boris. Instead, Boris walking around town to find Valentine very much. Asking all persons who has four feet and six inch if they are Valentine. Is hard work! Not so many persons wanting to hold still for measuring stick. Boris understand, some persons in hurry or already has Valentine.

"But Boris!" is what you are thinking. "Do not you have fiancée person to be Valentine?" No, no, sorry friends. Fiancée person with leopard pants leave Boris goodbye. She go to meet friend John and do magic trick and never come back to Boris. Sad, yes. But as Louis say there is lots of bitches to go fishing.

And now Boris steps on sunshine because there is secret Valentine! Such happy thing, yes. Valentine in America is much better from Valentine in Homeland. In Homeland, man come to door with gun and yelling "I kill Boris who knock up sister of me!" What shit is that Valentine, no?

No, in Homeland is not romance like America. There is all about marry teenage girl just because she has little Boris in belly. Boring says Boris! In America is all about find love at end of magic movie with beautiful girl who is not talking too much. Yay for America!

So Boris is looking all over for Valentine, at hardware store and down by river. Louis say to look in dressing room at bikini store, lots of womens there. Louis also say look in yellow book for escort service, but Boris think secret Valentine is too small for driving. Maybe with blocks tied on shoes, or small size car which runs on battery. But blocks make it hard for Valentine to go dancing, so Boris think maybe she is not in yellow book. Maybe Boris will check at store for stilts!

Yes, yes. Boris will go to stilt store to buy stilts. Then when secret Valentine sees Boris on stilts, and secret Valentine is on stilts, it will be romance like magic circus movie. Yay for Boris idea!

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