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Elderly Celebrities Relieved Hackett Was the One to Go Deaths of Peck, Hepburn left public waiting for third shoe to drop July 7, 2003 |
Los Angeles, CA Skeeter Barnes Late comedian Buddy Hackett, whose own material made a roast largely redundant
“You know how the saying goes,” explained Bob Hope, 100. “Celebrities always die in threes. After Peck and Hepburn went, every celebrity over 60 had to wonder if they would be next. Actually, I think most of these assholes thought it would be me. Maybe I’m just oversensitive, but I was definitely getting some strange looks last week.”
“To be honest, I thought it would be Bob Hope,” confessed comedian Red Buttons, 85. “How old is that guy? He’s definitely cheating death at this point. That guy’s so old he looks like a ...
he death of legendary comedian Buddy Hackett early last week at the age of 78 was met with fond remembrances and tributes from his family and fans, and a collective relieved sigh from the nation’s remaining elderly celebrities. “You know how the saying goes,” explained Bob Hope, 100. “Celebrities always die in threes. After Peck and Hepburn went, every celebrity over 60 had to wonder if they would be next. Actually, I think most of these assholes thought it would be me. Maybe I’m just oversensitive, but I was definitely getting some strange looks last week.” “To be honest, I thought it would be Bob Hope,” confessed comedian Red Buttons, 85. “How old is that guy? He’s definitely cheating death at this point. That guy’s so old he looks like a big walking scrotum. If he gets any older, some far-off king’s gonna have to wrap him up in a silk box like a goddamned royal tortoise. When he does go they might have to count that as three celebrity deaths wrapped in one, like some kind of loophole for rolling over the oldometer.” Some elderly celebrities handled the superstitious deathwatch more gracefully than others, with actress Fay Wray, 96, noted by loved ones for her calm demeanor and total lack of response to external stimuli all week. Comedian Sid Caesar, 81, took the threat more seriously, locking himself in a hyperbaric chamber with a pistol upon hearing the news of Hepburn’s death. “Let ‘em come and get me,” Caesar was quoted as snarling as the door to the chamber was sealed. It was unclear whether Caesar was referring to old age or gremlins. “I liked Buddy and all, but if it was between him and me, and it was, I’d pick me. So I’m glad it was him. He was probably in bad shape, anyway,” rambled Phyllis Diller, 86. “Probably had a compacted bowel or the snorts or something, he’s probably better off. I definitely am.” While talking to a pair of twentysomething autograph-seekers, actor Mickey Rooney, 83, commented on his fondness for Hackett, with whom he once shared an ice cream. Rooney then answered his fans’ queries by explaining that Hackett was neither the mascot for Lee jeans nor the inventor of the hackey sack. As they walked away, one fan was heard commenting to the other. “Jesus Christ, Mickey Rourke looks like shit!” Actor Karl Malden, 90, eulogized earnestly about Bob Hope’s career for 20 minutes before this reporter could adequately explain that it had been Hackett, not Hope, who passed away last week. “Nah, you’re funnin’ me,” colloquialized Malden. “If Bob Hope’s still alive, how come he’s been haunting my dreams all week? Unless that was Eli Wallach. Hmm. Is that bastard still alive? Tell you the truth; it starts to get hard to tell ‘em apart after a certain age, they all take on that Jacob Marley look after about 80. Shit, maybe it was the Ghost of Christmas Past! Gah! What’d I give you last Christmas, the bath towel or the VCR?” This reporter left Mr. Malden to his soul-searching, opting to pursue a quote and a Dilly bar from a passing ice-cream truck driver. the commune news knows you’re only as old as you feel, but you still look like you died five years ago. Ramon Nootles holds the utmost respect for his elders, unless they have that weird “old person” smell and don’t have the common courtesy to take the stairs instead of stinking up the elevator.
 | DARPA Technology Could Aid Oppression of AmericaElectronic eyes keep enemies, citizens well-behaved July 7, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Whit Pistol One of these in every town square.
DARPA, the geekish acronym for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, proudly announced the creation of urban surveillance technology this Wednesday purported necessary in the defense of the country. The defensive surveillance equipment will protect our country by being placed in other countries, where U.S. troops will be found. ...
ascists everywhere were delighted when news of the Pentagon's DARPA technology sailed predictably beneath the radar when announced to the news media Wednesday. America, believed to be fully absorbed in the release of Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde and the death of screen legend Katherine Hepburn, hit the snooze alarm on the report, unconcerned what it could mean for antiquated notions such as privacy and government boundaries.
DARPA, the geekish acronym for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, proudly announced the creation of urban surveillance technology this Wednesday purported necessary in the defense of the country. The defensive surveillance equipment will protect our country by being placed in other countries, where U.S. troops will be found. Pentagon defense plans project the U.S. being completely defendable by 2020, when U.S. troops will be stationed in every country throughout the world except the U.S.
The key component of the surveillance technology, built for urban battlegrounds, lies in the computer software so complex it can identify vehicles by size, shape, color, and license plate number, and can even identify vehicle passengers' faces. Add-ons to the program are being designed to identify the titles of books in vehicles and the contents of passenger wallets, should the need ever suddenly pop up.
"Privacy nuts," previously referred to as "Americans" prior to 2001, challenge the necessity of such equipment and worry the domestic implications are extremely dangerous.
"It's all fine and good to say this technology is only going to be used on foreigners," said privacy watchdog and University of South Hampton, Cambridge custodian Rutherford Mays, "but it only takes another big movie weekend for the government to sneak this technology into major cities and start using it for 'our own safety.' It is not enough that rights to search and seizure have been unconstitutionally bypassed in the name of this War on Terror, or that our computers are being turned into high-tech tagging tools. Now they're developing laser eyes than can pierce your walls and read the dirty magazines under your mattress. And that really pisses me off, because I didn't pay all that money to share those magazines with government laser eye technology."
According to Pentagon spokesperson Col. Gary Gawain, the issue has already been addressed in previous memos concerning the production of the technology from no less a source than former Central Command Gen. Tommy "Frankie" Franks. In short? Frankie says relax.
"All of this fuss over a 'what if' situation is pretty silly," said Gawain, straightening a pipe in his mouth and adjusting a smoking jacket he inexplicably wore to the press meeting. "Technically, a bomb could go off tomorrow and kill everyone in the country and the technology would never be set up—wouldn't you feel like quite the ass then? What you're looking for is a definitive declaration that the surveillance equipment developed by DARPA will never be used against American citizens for political reasons or personal vendettas, and I think it's safe to assure you completely this technology will never be set up domestically before 2004. Possibly even later, the designs are a little sketchy. Now don't you feel befuddled?"
Gawain could not respond to further questions, as he was cackling loudly as he disappeared down a trap door leading who knows where. the commune news is all for unconfined freedom for all, but when you're in our offices on our time, just accept the webcams and shut up. Raoul Dunkin is like an Indian burn that never quite goes away, or goes away only to come back and complain whiningly about it.
| Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 July 7, 2003 Doctor Kiwani"I won't join any club that would penetrate me with a member."
I've never been much of a joiner, on account I've never been let into a group. But I haven't given up on the idea of being part of an organization of some kind, especially the kind that makes me money or friends.
When I was a kid my mom tried to sign me up for everything, from 4-H to the Cub Scouts, but I kept failing the entrance exams. I was in some other youth organization my dad got me into for about a week, but my hand kept cramping up trying to do the sign. I think they were extra hard on me because of it when it came time to run the gauntlet, I didn't even get past the first sixty guys.
In school I tried to get into all the clubs, but they all had special requirements. You ha...
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"I won't join any club that would penetrate me with a member."
I've never been much of a joiner, on account I've never been let into a group. But I haven't given up on the idea of being part of an organization of some kind, especially the kind that makes me money or friends.
When I was a kid my mom tried to sign me up for everything, from 4-H to the Cub Scouts, but I kept failing the entrance exams. I was in some other youth organization my dad got me into for about a week, but my hand kept cramping up trying to do the sign. I think they were extra hard on me because of it when it came time to run the gauntlet, I didn't even get past the first sixty guys.
In school I tried to get into all the clubs, but they all had special requirements. You had to be good at something or popular or something, it was all rigged. I did find a group of kids to hang out with and everything, but they said I couldn't get into their group without a doctor's note saying I had a learning disability. Which really sucked, 'cause my doctor said I did have a learning disability, but he wouldn't write me a note since he was pissed about me eating all his tongue depressors. I say don't stick anything in my mouth if you don't want me to eat it.
I got out of high school and thought all my chances to be in a club were over, then I heard about the Kiwanis Club. They're some sort of charity or something, who cares, really, if they all get together in a building. I don't care if they worshipped goats by sticking thumbs up their asses, as long as they were a club and I could join, showing that guidance counselor once and for all who was right.
The Kiwanis were not as cool as they sounded, though. I showed up in my Kiwanis suit, complete with a little pouch on the front, and I pulled leaves out and ate them and everything, trying to fit in. Not one person in that place was dressed like a Kiwani except me, and some people even asked me what I was supposed to be, like they'd never seen a Kiwani before. Even talking with an Australian accent didn't make them any smarter. You'd think these jackasses would know the animal they named their club after. Next time I'll show up dressed as a jackass, just to embarrass them.
It probably doesn't need saying I didn't make the Kiwanis Club, but I did make bail, so everything works out alright in the end. I've had it with trying to get into a club, I'll tell you that. I've always wanted to be a part of a group of people, the kind of joes I could make friends with and share a real sense of community and shit. But I suppose I'll have to do that by starting my own club, with me as president and founder and everything. And I won't let any of those assholes in. º Last Column: RC Diceº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. This means you, Gerardo.”
-Napoleon BugglyparteFortune 500 CookieFinally, you'll win that annual shit-talkin' contest. If the shoe fits, it still means you only have one shoe, dumbass. It may hurt, but don't worry, they can re-attach it if you put the testicle on ice quickly. Don't buy the lottery ticket this week—your money is better invested in cookie dough. Lucky marbles: steely, cat's eyes, and… uh… shit, we're fresh out of marbles.
Try again later.5 Worst Baby Names| 1. | Osama Bin Hitler | | 2. | Cap'n Jackass | | 3. | Fascist Clay | | 4. | Li'l Accident | | 5. | Not-Gay Bruce | |
|   Davis Warns Recall Will Lead to Robot Revolution BY peyton hofschwitz 6/23/2003 D.M.Z."Your problem, Private Crunch," yelled the sergeant, "is that you think war is glory. That war is a game. Well, I've got news for you, and it's going to tickle you right down to your big fat cockles—war is hellish!"
Private Benji Hammond Krunk was not, however, surprised by the bold declaration by the screaming sergeant. He knew war was… hellish. He had not signed up for Viet Nam with any delusions about what he was getting into. He couldn't say why he signed up at all, which is to say he did not know.
Sgt. Vice insisted on yelling at all his new recruits the same way. He was the commanding officer now that everybody over him had been killed off by snipers, late-night machine gun fire, and occasional bear attacks. Vice was not really unlikable, despite what th...
"Your problem, Private Crunch," yelled the sergeant, "is that you think war is glory. That war is a game. Well, I've got news for you, and it's going to tickle you right down to your big fat cockles—war is hellish!"
Private Benji Hammond Krunk was not, however, surprised by the bold declaration by the screaming sergeant. He knew war was… hellish. He had not signed up for Viet Nam with any delusions about what he was getting into. He couldn't say why he signed up at all, which is to say he did not know.
Sgt. Vice insisted on yelling at all his new recruits the same way. He was the commanding officer now that everybody over him had been killed off by snipers, late-night machine gun fire, and occasional bear attacks. Vice was not really unlikable, despite what the introductory statement he made might imply; he was merely a man under severe stress, a man who had seen it all, a man who got a weird kick out of taking people's names and making goofy nicknames out of them that sounded somewhat similar, as he did for Pvt. Krunk, whom he had newly-dubbed Private Crunch.
Just the night before Krunk and the sergeant had lost all the members of their platoon in a freak water accident and were the only two left to hold the base until reinforcements arrived. Despite being all by themselves, Sgt. Vice could show no affection for his only subservient soldier. Showing affection for anyone in a country where people were killed right before your eyes or died in bizarre accidents out of nowhere was not a good idea. You had to build a shell over yourself, like chemically-treated chocolate syrup that turned hard on ice cream.
Things grew grimmer as the hours went on. Vice knew the V.C. could show up at any minute, armed to the teeth and pointy hats and looking to capture more territory for their communist government. It wasn't a pretty thought, like his mother-in-law in short-shorts. But Vice had to face the reality that he and Krunk were all that stood between the North Vietnamese and a pivotal territory gain.
He decided to keep Krunk's mind off the potential threat with conversation.
"So," started Vice, "have you ever died for your country before?"
"No, sir, but I'm prepared to do so if necessary."
It wasn't an easy task; the boy's mind wouldn't let go of the danger, and it kept drawing Vice's attention back to it.
"Don't worry, son. We'll get out of this alright," assured Vice, patting Krunk on the shoulder. "So, son… you got a girl back home? A mother? A dad, burial arrangements, anything?"
Krunk turned pale white, which can cause freckling if you're out in the sun too long. "You think the V.C. will come before back-up gets here?" he asked.
Vice shrugged. "Jeez, don't you have anything happier to talk about? Murder, mayhem? Say… you like to go fishing? Ever had napalm dropped on you by your own troops?"
"We've got to get out of here soon, sergeant," Krunk said, cradling his gun. "I don't think I can stand too much more of this."
Yep, the boy was close to cracking. Vice was worried about losing him. On the brighter side, if Krunk did give in to the madness and Vice had to kill him, his skull would make a perfect bowl to gather rainwater with. Fresh rainwater, all he could drink, with no one else to have to split it with—
Hush! thought Vice to himself, quietly. What was that sound in the bush? He shot Krunk to keep him quiet and steeled himself for a gunfight.   |
