acists and peckerwoods everywhere trembled as their vaunted white power fizzled out into nothingness Thursday, surprising only those blind to the inevitable fall of empires everywhere. The absurdly-called "blackout," which started in the middle of the day during perfect daylight, plunged major northeastern urban areas into a state of non-electricity, which the white media presumably prefers to compare to "primitive" black culture with the derogatory "blackout" term.

The twin Northern American albino evils, the governments of the U.S. and Canada, both spent the day blaming each other for the power failure instead of spending their time fixing the power. The working classes and underprivileged were left in the dark Thursday night, with Friday night also no luckier in getting the power turned back on in some areas. White media was "delightfully surprised" that the non-white citizens left in the dark during the night didn't spend all their time looting their own stores and robbing white people—you know, acting civilized. As you know, when non-whites rob white people, it's anti-social crime; when whites rob everyone else, it's called capitalism.

New York City mayor Whitey Whiteberg praised New Yorkers for helping each other out and not killing each other like savage animals, then went home to his out-of-state mansion or high-grade penthouse with the gasoline-powered generator or whatever digs he shammed the people out of. Meanwhile, underprivileged suffering classes in Detroit went home to unbearable heat without power Friday night. Areas of New York, Connecticut, and Ohio with their power restored were forced to refrain from air conditioning in the record heat wave.

Rumors abounded in the immediate wake of the power failures. Though the most likely source of the catastrophe is now pointing to three failed transmission lines that eventually took out the Niagara Mohawk power grid, probably stolen from early industrious Native Americans, alternative unfounded causes were spread through the Internet and urban legend grapevine. Some blamed the power outage on a threatening Internet worm that managed to topple all the nation's power grids, the equivalent of blaming it on the Candyman. Most Americans were more anxious to blame it on the brown people of the Middle East, known as terrorists for not believing in the white man's God.

President and ranking redneck George "Whitey" Bush promised the problem of the electrical outage would be investigated and, if possible, enslaved and oppressed. He went on to call the electrical power grid system "antiquated," though how that makes it different from other revered elements of white culture wasn't explained by the inferior president.

Professor of African-American Electrical Engineering and frequent drinking buddy of this reporter Muhammad Bari offered more realistic interpretations of the grid power failure.

"It's clear the fatted citizens of Rome have trusted in their failing empire far too long," said the six-time winner of home Jeopardy! "The sacred calf is ripe for slaughter, and the time for the reign of a noble citizenry is nearly upon us. Now, I'm not suggesting we go out and rip down Con Edison and the White House or anything, you know. I'm just saying, in the eyes of the great and worthy Allah, we as wage slaves built this city on rock and roll and it's ours to do with as we please."

The white president refused to comment on these perfectly legitimate questions, proving who he's really serving.

espite sounding like a hilarious urban legend, a recently published biography of American actor John Wayne has revealed compelling evidence that Russian dictator and mustache enthusiast Joseph Stalin attempted to have Wayne killed on several occasions in the 1940's. Evidence suggests that Wayne's passionate anti-communist stance infuriated the dictator, whose commitment to going totally batshit in the later years of his reign found him at odds with the American icon.

Several unorthodox attempts were made on Wayne's life during the 1940's and early 1950's, when Stalin ordered Russian spies dressed as FBI agents to kill Wayne by serving him a blueberry sandwich.

"Stalin was terrified of blueberries," commune research editor Griswald Dreck explains. "The KGB wanted to off Wayne by strangling him with piano wire or planting an explosive belt buckle in his wardrobe, but Stalin considered blueberries to be far more deadly. Needless to say, it both angered and terrified him when Wayne thought the sandwich was delicious and sent his agents out to get another one. That's when Stalin started turning to voodoo, since Wayne was obviously some kind of supernatural deity."

Unfortunately for fans of espionage humor, Stalin's various attempts to kill Wayne, including incidents involving a large safe dropped from a high-rise building and enough chili powder put in Wayne's food to cause him to butt-scoot all the way to Mexico while swearing in Spanish, came to an end with the dictator's death in 1953. Stalin was succeeded by Nikita Krushchev, a Wayne fan who bonded with the Duke (born Marion Morrison in 1907) over both of them having to act tough in spite of having really girly names.

Krushchev even met with Wayne in 1958 to reassure the star that Russia's bumbling attempts to kill him had been called off, though he did advise Wayne to be wary of Stalin loyalists who might still attempt to pillow-fight him to death. He also warned the star not to use any toothpaste that smelled like hemorrhoid cream, another common Stalin-era assassination tactic. Wayne was reportedly a little disappointed by the news, since dodging inept Russian assassins over the years had replaced golf as his favorite hobby.

Previously unpublished excerpts from Stalin's diaries indicate the many and varied fantasies the Russian leader indulged concerning Wayne's death. One of the most memorable involves a quick-draw shootout on the streets of Dodge City, where an impeccably dressed Stalin out-draws the Duke and Wayne's gun fails to fire, instead spitting out a little flag that says "ÂÄ�ÓÃ!"

For more on Joseph Stalin, Griswald Dreck recommends reading the biography "Stalin: The 'Crazier Than a Pope Streaking Through Harlem' Years" once it has been written and published.

Hello, reading persons. Yes yes, is Boris. How are you? Oh well, that is not so good. Boris hopes you are soon to find some happiness under miserable rock of life.

Is there secret to such thing? Boris does not know. But Boris does know thing that is Boris is ready for some football.

Reader of Boris may not know that there is magic person in hat who comes on TV to ask Boris questions. Yes, is true, Boris is not talking of shit. Man is like fat cowboy to guide Boris through life. Is strange yes, fat cowboy is like conscience thing for Boris, like Jimmy cricket in cartoon movie. Or like alien friend for Flintstone in other movie, except Boris does not get alien or bug thing. No persons can know how come they get conscience that is strange thing like talking noodle or cowboy with guitar. Is magic of life.

Boris conscience does not say helping things, is not that kind of conscience. No saying "Boris, is good to unplug egg beater before licking frosting off those things" or "Boris, do not pour soda on duck." Nope. Him only to ask Boris questions, or maybe one question. Thinking conscience may ask other questions when Boris is not watching TV, but so far only see him ask "Are you ready for some football?"

Boris thinks about this for some days and decided. Yes, Boris is ready for some football.

Reader can remember time when Boris watches Superbowl and is so fun. This is football thing. Louis explain is not like soccer football, which is sport where persons puts on shorts and get kicked in the jimmy. That is stupid hurting game. Football is where persons fight until they fall down dead and then man runs to grass party place and dances. This is game Boris understand.

Baseball is sport does not make sense to Boris. Boris think should be called "Asshole." Yes, is true. Two mens is trying to play catch but big asshole with stick wants to mess up game. And him will not go home, just waits and waits until person throws ball to friend. Then big asshole hits ball with stick and runs away. Boris knows this game from homeland, except there it is called "Time to get new ball."

But baseball is more crazy because persons playing catch have friends who come and get ball for them, whole gang of persons. But then asshole has gang of friends who sneak around and pretend to be like other friends, but they do not get ball, asshole gang runs away when ball comes. Is very confusing. Boris does not like this game, except when person does hit bully in head with ball. So funny for him to fall down like Godzilla. Boris does clap for this brave part.

Hockey is other strange game. When is cold out, Boris understand persons does go inside building to be warm. This is smart. But when is warm, why person does go inside to be cold and watch mens fight on little pond? What is this? Is like wrestling without fun costumes and yelling. And hockey men does put down sticks to fight. No way. Persons should fight with sticks and kill others fast so Boris can get out of cold room.

So for answer of question, yes Boris is ready for some football, but not other things. And now Boris must watch TV to see if little fat cowboy has other questions or if him can teach Boris to magic fly like Peter Pants. Boris hoping answer is yes.

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