fficials at the Fox network announced last week that despite record ratings for the first two rounds of baseball’s postseason, the Yankees-Marlins World Series will be cancelled due to lack of viewer interest. The announcement stunned and disappointed sports fans, who thought Fox was talking about canceling the World Cup. Executives have since issued a statement assuring the viewing public that the little-watched soccer tournament, which appeals to foreign-born Americans and small children who play soccer, will go on as scheduled.

“Our focus group research indicates that watching the Yankees play in the World Series has the same level of audience appeal as watching the Iraqi National Guard gang-rape Mother Theresa,� explained Fox Sports head Walter Lawrie. “And the Marlins’ name recognition ranks comfortably between one-hit wonder Jim Basnight of ‘Sex Teen’ fame and Secretary of Commerce Don Evans. Frankly, if we hadn’t made this announcement, I doubt anyone would have noticed the change.�

Fox executives originally announced that the Yankees-Marlins series would be replaced with footage of the cast of Malcolm in the Middle playing catch in their backyard, interspersed with thousands of commercials for the upcoming Fox shows Skin, Arrested Development and 24. But after focus group research conducted by opening office windows and listening indicated that baseball fans would still be interested in watching a Red Sox-Cubs World Series, rules be damned, a mid-season replacement series was organized.

“Yankees-Marlins was underperforming in several key markets, most notably the entire United States of America,� said Fox spokesperson Lana Rauch. “We were originally taking consolation in the notion that we’d at least get strong numbers out of New York and Miami, but it turns out fans in New York consider anything short of a four-game World Series sweep by the Yankees an unwatchable travesty, and the three Marlins fans don’t live in Nielsen households. So even in those markets, the numbers stank like David Wells’ burp-up rag.�

Network executives hope a Red Sox-Cubs match up will breathe new life into the flagging World Series franchise, which lost some if its luster after last season’s breakout star Barry Bonds was unable to return for the 2003 season due to the failure of his supporting cast. Fox executives attempted to engineer a trade of Bonds to the Cubs after San Francisco’s first-round exit from the playoffs, but Cubs manager Dusty Baker vetoed the trade on the grounds that the 39-year-old Bonds wasn’t old enough to warrant displacing any of Baker’s trusted veteran players.

Fox had gone to great lengths in the preceding weeks to ensure a Red Sox-Cubs World Series, expected by many to be a ratings bonanza. But after succeeding in bombarding the Oakland A’s lineup with microwave radiation in the ALDS and scheduling ALCS Game 4 during a flash flood to prevent Boston Achilles-heel John Burkett from taking the mound, Fox was ultimately thwarted by the Red Sox and Cubs’ own considerable self-destructive quirks, ending up with an albatross series slung stinky-like around their necks.

Some baseball purists have decried the move, which goes beyond Fox’s usual postseason gametime juggling and bizarre scheduling decisions. But when questioned, all admitted they weren’t actually watching the Yankees-Marlins series, they were just tired of waiting for The Simpsons’ Halloween special to air.

Dear commune:

Disney is a bunch of sick bastards. Is it true what I herd that "Haikuna Matata" is foreign for "I want some Japanese guy to feel up my tits"? That’s just sick, I don’t even like to think of Japanese guys that way. They’re for business and baseball, not being naked. I couldn’t play Nintendo for a week after I heard that. Now I hear that on the cover of the new Lion King DVD you can see the Lion King’s thing! What’s wrong with those sick Disney bastards, is what I want to know. Thank God for the VeggieTales, or else my kids might grow up to be grown-up perverts. Sure, now they won’t eat any vegetables and cry through most meals, but that’s a small price to pay I say.

Darla Price
Brooklyn, NY


Dear Darla:

We couldn’t agree more. Wait, give us a second to read your letter. Okay, take that back, we think you’re crazy. We regret to inform you that the animated wang you’re trying so hard to be offended about was on the cover of The Little Mermaid, not The Lion King, though we suppose it could still be the Lion King’s dong. It’s hard to tell for sure, even with a magnifying glass. As for Disney being a bunch of perverts, where have you been for the last 50 years, Narnia? You think Pinocchio was really the story of a lying little puppet? What are you, five years old? With the advent of the Internet, the smut hounds at Disney have drawn increased scrutiny to their puerile antics, but this has been going on for generations. Our only outrage is this: What did those screwballs at Disney think the Little Mermaid was going to do with that golden dork on the cover anyway? From all the angles we’ve been able to freeze-frame, she’s alarmingly short on orifices. Thanks for your letter.

the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for your utter lack of a social life. Word to the wise: Just because you can whistle catcalls out your nose doesn’t mean you should.

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