 | 
 Tuesday winners ousted on Thursday November 10, 2003 |
Frankfort, KY Snapper Mcgee/Molly Top: Former Governor-Elect Haley Barbour plays tiny violin for ousted Mississippi incumbent Governor Ronnie Musgrove. Bottom: More recent Governor-Elect Bumphrey Hoggs and his dummy Ron allege Haley Barbour is actually demonstrating his penis size.  
"The voters have spoken, again," said newly-elected Mississippi governor Bumphrey Hoggs. "And it's clear they want a new direction for this state. A change from the last two days of special-interest control and pork-barrel politics."
Hoggs was only one of the two newly-elected governors replacing two governors newly-elected Tuesday. Hoggs replaced new Republican governor-elect of Mississippi Haley Barbour, a one-time lobbyist and alleged state trooper who pulled over this visiting reporter, while in Kentucky Republican Ernie "Hey Bert" Fletcher was replaced by Congressman Mike Re...
olitical upheaval, the most boring kind for most Americans, occurred when two governors newly-elected in Tuesday's election were recalled Friday in the world's quickest voter flip-flop.
"The voters have spoken, again," said newly-elected Mississippi governor Bumphrey Hoggs. "And it's clear they want a new direction for this state. A change from the last two days of special-interest control and pork-barrel politics."
Hoggs was only one of the two newly-elected governors replacing two governors newly-elected Tuesday. Hoggs replaced new Republican governor-elect of Mississippi Haley Barbour, a one-time lobbyist and alleged state trooper who pulled over this visiting reporter, while in Kentucky Republican Ernie "Hey Bert" Fletcher was replaced by Congressman Mike Redmunch in what political analysts only I know are calling "the most confusing 48-hour campaign in history."
Fletcher's concession speech Friday embodied the election confusion: "I, uh… What happened? Am I the governor or what?"
Redmunch ran a controversial dirty campaign accusing Fletcher of improprieties in his two-day reign as governor-elect, including mispronouncing several Kentucky counties' names. Local journalists, including The Lexington Sentinel, called the final stages of the campaign the dirtiest 24 hours Kentucky has ever witnessed, outside of the livestock incidents. Even stranger, Redmunch was a fellow Republican replacing the first Republican governor elect in the state in 32 years. According to publicists for Redmunch, the candidate defended his actions by saying he had already been in the race 13 hours when he received confirmation of Fletcher's Republican status, by which time it was "too late to back out."
"He may claim to be a Republican," accused Remunch, in an 11th-hour campaign appearance in the 43rd hour of his campaign, "but he certainly sounds like a Democrat from where I'm standing. And how about his record as governor? What has he done for us since taking office?"
Attempts by reporters to explain Governor-Elect Fletcher had not yet officially taken office were drowned out by loud populous applause.
The story was quite different in Mississippi, where Tuesday winner Republican Haley Barbour was unseated by bitter rival and former drinking buddy Democrat Bumphrey Hoggs following a contentious debate Wednesday at 5:30 a.m., 30 minutes before polls opened. Reactions to the debate were quite different, as television viewers, a majority of the 30, believed the attractive Hoggs won the debate, while radio listeners reportedly requested Skynyrd.
In both cases, private financiers led drives to petition for a quick recall vote following the announcement of election results Tuesday night. State supreme courts refused to hear the arguments against recall elections so soon, based on the fact they want a week's notice on all cases, and would not grant a temporary stay "out of interests to the insane reactionary voters, whose political opinions could easily change in the greater span of a week."
With the needed signatures gathered by 11 p.m. in Kentucky and 12:30 Tuesday in Mississippi, recall elections were set for Thursday. Both challenging campaigns spent in the range of $20-30,000 to unseat the recent electees.
All is not finished, however, as Republican financiers in Mississippi, who lost the seat Thursday they had gained only Tuesday, have already begun petitions to replace fresh incumbent Bumphrey Hoggs and to have an emergency "no tagbacks" declared to end petitions until another petition against such an action can be signed. the commune news cannot be recalled, as we are a private organization and are in no way subject to your piddling emotional outburst of political ignorance. That aside, thanks for reading! Raoul Dunkin is a star reporter during the ten minutes at the beginning of the day before everyone shows up.
 | Incoming EPA Head Pledges to Mine Earth's Precious CoreEarlier policy of environmental protection reversed November 10, 2003 |
Washington, D.C. Alton Onus Leavitt, with anonymous wife, assures assembled crowd flags will be safe from corporate drilling, unless given really convincing reason otherwise.
When questioned by reporters if eliminating the environment should be the aim of the EPA, Leavitt shrugged and said, "I gotta do something. I wasn't put here to sit on my butt."
Leavitt was a controversial choice for the four remaining liberals in the U.S., with a history of "fuck the environment" environmental policy in his former position as governor of Utah. Accusers point out Leavitt's passing of laws preventing lawsuits against agricultural polluters and his opening of Utah wilderness to build government roads through. Leav...
ichael O. Leavitt, the president's pick for head of the Environmental Protection Agency celebrated his first day on the job Thursday, with the promise to "eliminate the environment by 2010, and completely mine the Earth's precious core."
When questioned by reporters if eliminating the environment should be the aim of the EPA, Leavitt shrugged and said, "I gotta do something. I wasn't put here to sit on my butt."
Leavitt was a controversial choice for the four remaining liberals in the U.S., with a history of "fuck the environment" environmental policy in his former position as governor of Utah. Accusers point out Leavitt's passing of laws preventing lawsuits against agricultural polluters and his opening of Utah wilderness to build government roads through. Leavitt, contrastly, points to large sections of forest in California and makes bets on how fast they'll go up in flames if ignited.
The EPA's new leader arrived the day after the agency announced they were dropping 70 investigations of coal-burning power plants for disobeying local or national ordinances for output of pollutants. Leavitt confirmed Thursday it was part of the EPA's new policy, "I didn't see it. Did you see it?"
"The enviro-nuts out there can complain all they want," said Leavitt, munching on a California condor egg salad sandwich, "but tell me this: Did you see anything? I didn't see it. I wasn't there when they supposedly dumped all this smoke into the air. Who's to say it even happened?"
"Mmm," added Leavitt, "it's endangered-licious."
Critics accuse the White House of putting crony Leavitt in charge of the EPA in an effort to pussify the agency, part of an ever-growing trend by the Bush administration to save money and gain political favor with polluting companies by relaxing environmental laws. Leavitt has been denounced by environmental advocates before for his various outrageous plans to increase government income at the expense of the ecology. Some of his plans include lighting the Statue of Liberty's torch with real fire and allowing companies to blot out the sunlight so Americans can pay a surcharge to get it back.
Among Leavitt's most outspoken plans is to drill for fire in the Earth's core, a plan which he says could increase national income grossly and create exciting new areas of energy industry, and which opponents say will cause the Earth to collapse on itself and annihilate the human species.
"Where do we get heat from?" questioned Leavitt when he spoke at an alternative energy resources conference last month. "From coal, from gas, from the sun. We're almost out of the two and the other one is so far away we can't reach it. Coal comes from the Earth, right? Well, I'll bet you anything it's even hotter deeper in the Earth. We can take liquid magma, hot Earth core, and it can probably heat your home for a good two or three years."
When dissenters claimed the process of gutting the planet's innards would destroy all living things, Leavitt disagreed. "I say it's cheap energy. You say it's the apocalypse. The fair thing to do is let me try it and we'll see who's right."
"It's high time somebody did something about the environment," Leavitt said Thursday, at his inaugural conference. "We've been around for years and it just keeps getting worse. Everyone else may be tip-toeing around the obvious, but it's high time we destroyed it. And I'll be the one to do it, mark my words." the commune news appreciates the slack enforcement of environmental laws in the area, and we invite everyone to share in the natural warmth of the gasoline fire sometime. Ramrod Hurley is a spare correspondent, we keep him in the trunk for months at a time, and usually forget he already has a hole in him.
| Mark Buckles Some Sort of Cockwad Everyone kind of a little relieved Bob Hope finally dead Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home Study finds low I.Q. causes lead paint eating, not other way around |
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 November 10, 2003 Love Delivered"I've been looking for love in all the wrong places, but I've learned a lot about Dragonball Z in the process."
Are you hungry? I'm hungry. But I don't feel bad about it anymore. It happens to everybody. If someone tries to make you feel bad for being hungry, just tell them, it's normal for your average human being to get hungry 50 to 65 times a day. Depending on how much you work out.
But it's okay to get hungry, because there's lots of different foods out there to eat. Apples. Rack of lamb. Ketchup packets—if you're in a rush or not as hungry as usual. Some people even eat other people if they get hungry enough, but let me tell you it better be really hard circumstances, like you're stuck in a lifeboat together and one of you is dying. Or you have their...
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"I've been looking for love in all the wrong places, but I've learned a lot about Dragonball Z in the process."
Are you hungry? I'm hungry. But I don't feel bad about it anymore. It happens to everybody. If someone tries to make you feel bad for being hungry, just tell them, it's normal for your average human being to get hungry 50 to 65 times a day. Depending on how much you work out.
But it's okay to get hungry, because there's lots of different foods out there to eat. Apples. Rack of lamb. Ketchup packets—if you're in a rush or not as hungry as usual. Some people even eat other people if they get hungry enough, but let me tell you it better be really hard circumstances, like you're stuck in a lifeboat together and one of you is dying. Or you have their permission.
If you don't want to jump right to eating people, try delivery food. It's great. Even the crummiest shitholes, like Boswell, Oklahoma, have delivery food these days. You can get pizza delivered right to your door, or your window, if you throw a few extra dollars in it for the guy. Other places have delivery now, too—sub sandwiches, chicken wings, salads, pizzas, bread of questionable mental stability, Mexican food. Chinese food, they even have Chinese food delivery, and believe me, that's a long trip.
I say the delivery thing hasn't gone far enough, or has yet too far to go, however the phrasing should be. In some places you can get groceries, cold food, delivered to your house. You can get mail even—crazy world. People will deliver cars to your house, some companies. There are even some thieves who will come right to your house—no more need to go out.
I would like to see a day where everything is delivered right to you. Bring the mountain to Mohammad, the Arab Bible says, and I agree. Doctors should call on you right at your house—can you imagine the day?
That's only the beginning, or the middle since the beginning is all the stuff we already have. All kinds of crazy services will be the way of the future. You can get flu shots or tax forms or someone can come out to your house and appraise how much it's worth—all without having to leave, or cart your house in on the back of a flatbed to the bank. Already the internet has made it where you don't have to leave your house to start receiving threatening messages or to be hounded by people with weird fetishes. Which reminds me, I've got some stuff I've got to do when I get finished with this.
Clowns? You like clowns? Shitloads of clowns will pile out of a special truck and they'll be doing cartwheels and all sorts of whacky crap right on your lawn. You'll be up to your ass in clowns until you're sick of them. Then you call the gun shop and have them bring over a double-barrel to chase off the goddamn clowns. 'Cause you can only stand so much, you know, before you go apeshit.
No more looking for love, either. I dream of the day, eventually, when love comes right to your door. Some charming lady dressed just the way you want will come right to your door. You get all the love you want, give her some money, then she goes away and you can watch TV. Not today. But someday. º Last Column: Free Indianº more columns | 
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Milestones1492: Christopher Columbus discovered America. Actually, it was Oct. 12, and it was really the Bahamas, so he discovered the Caribbean, and there were already lots of indigenous people there. All we know is the bank is closed today, so fuck the guy.Now HiringBuffalo Bill. We don't really have a lot of buffalo roaming around that need slaughtering or anything, but the copydesk tends to order large amounts of delivery buffalo wings and somebody has got to figure out who pays what when the guy shows up. Respond promptly, we hear a car out front.Top Justifications for Iraq War| 1. | France don't tell us we can't do something | | 2. | Saddam said California was totally gay, for real | | 3. | Thought country offered frequent invader incentives | | 4. | Kuwait had "bad feeling" about some guys along the border | | 5. | CIA had strong evidence of uncounted Florida ballots in Tikrit | |
|   Voter Turnout in Senate Hits All-Time Low BY roland mcshyster 11/10/2003 Greetings, potential moviegoers, and welcome back to another week of Roland McShyster's Entertainment Police. We're back with our usual look at what Hollywood's hit with the car this week, and will do our best to jot down the license plate numbers of those responsible before the perpetrators can peel out off into the night. So without further undo ado, let's peek between our fingers at this week's movies.
In Theaters
Bastard Commander: The Far Side of the World
Honk if you're tired of seeing movies that try to make the Cobra Commander into a sympathetic character. We all know he had some kind of motivation, like all the other kids made fun of him back in grade school because he had a lisp, e...
Greetings, potential moviegoers, and welcome back to another week of Roland McShyster's Entertainment Police. We're back with our usual look at what Hollywood's hit with the car this week, and will do our best to jot down the license plate numbers of those responsible before the perpetrators can peel out off into the night. So without further undo ado, let's peek between our fingers at this week's movies.
In Theaters
Bastard Commander: The Far Side of the World
Honk if you're tired of seeing movies that try to make the Cobra Commander into a sympathetic character. We all know he had some kind of motivation, like all the other kids made fun of him back in grade school because he had a lisp, etc. But what Hollywood producers don't understand is that the whole point of the character is that he's just a bad guy and a jerk, and he doesn't have any kind of special gun to shoot so he's lame anyway. Those same producers called in Russell Crowe to try and recreate the white-wash job he did on insane folk-rocker Graham Nash in A Beautiful Mime, and he does his best here but it's hard to act much through a big chrome motorcycle helmet. The film is also hampered by the bizarre decision to tie characters from Gary Larson's The Far Side comic strip universe into the action. This might have been a stroke of genius in another film, but in this one the infant goes cartwheeling out the window the second a guy shows up with a gun that shoots Doberman pincer dogs. It all goes surreally downhill from there, as the film is overrun by giant talking cockroaches and ostriches wearing neckties. There were a couple of funny bits toward the end, but it turned out those were all from Far Sides I'd missed on the days my bastard next-door neighbor stole the paper.
Brother Bear
Kudos to Disney for showing some class in naming their latest animated manifesto Brother Bear, which is far more P.C. than calling him a "Black Bear," an offensive term racist scientists have been using for years. And it's a welcome turn of events after the debacle of Disney's last animated shocker, Black Hotties Acting Naughty, which was a box-office disappointment and was way too stingy with the cheesecake. Brother Bear tells the story of an African-American bear's struggle to earn respect on the street, or whatever the woodland equivalent of the street is. The clearing, whatever. Word on the street is that Brother Bear will be Disney's final traditionally-animated feature, I'm not sure if that means all their movies in the future will be done like Dr. Katz or what, but I'm game for the change. The current popularity of CGI animated films has proven amply that computers are where it's at, even if it is a lot harder to draw with a mouse. But apparently there are some guys over in Korea or somewhere who can do it, so cool.
Good Boy!
Sitting through political docudrama about George W. Bush's first 600 days in office, bankrolled by his right-wing supporters and corporate backers? Yeah, that sounds a lot better than having my nuts cut off with a weed whacker.
Looney Tunes: Back Door Action
If ever a film disturbed me to my very core as a human being, while brutally assaulting my faith in humanity, it was Baby Geniuses. But Looney Tunes: Back Door Action is number two with a bullet, and it has its eyes on the prize. While I understand that Warner Bros. has been under pressure to keep up with Disney's deteriorating morals these last several years, there is such a thing as going too far, and this time they went too far and a half. If I wanted to watch cartoons having sex, I'd move to Japan, thank you very much.
The Matrix Restitutions
It really warms my heart to see those Matrix-happy bastards finally getting what they had coming. After tricking fans of the original Matrix into sitting through the painfully unwatchable The Matrix Reloaded, which was about as much fun as watching somebody else play a video game for two hours, the Wacowski's chickens have finally come home to roost. With some guidance from the U.N. Film Crimes tribunal, the courts ordered the Wacowskis to make The Matrix Restitutions as a third "we're sorry" film to fulfill the community service portion of their sentence. The resulting movie tells the story of two comic book geeks who get into directing and score a surprise sci-fi hit, only to lose all sense of perspective and turn out a disgustingly convoluted and pompous sequel, which prompts a violent fan backlash against the brothers themselves. The courts ordered the Wacowskis to put hundreds of Matrix fans through kung-fu and wire-stunt training to make the spectacular vigilante mayhem of Restitutions believable, and it was money well-spent. The result is both satisfying and unintentionally hilarious, in a "pasty white gimp kung-fu" kind of way. And the best part of Restitutions? None of the guys get naked, and Keanu keeps his hard drive docked the whole time. Hallelujah.
The Texas Chain Store Massacre
One of my prime arguments against letting women direct movies has always been that it would eventually lead to tons of horrible movies about menstrual bleeding and shopping. Well, the first part of my prophecy came true a lot sooner than the second, but the second apocalyptic horseman has just pulled into town. While I'm sure it was very exciting if you were there in person, watching a movie about a really bitchin' sale at an outlet mall in Texas and some ladies who made an absolute killing on discounted home furnishings is one of my personal red flags that I've somehow ended up in a Turkish prison against my will.
Well, that's about all the nuts you can stuff into this squirrel's cheeks this week, gents and gentinas. Here's hoping the day's treating you well and that little claymation dude from the old Dominos Pizza commercials isn't chasing you all around, because man would that suck. Adios!   |
