ASA scientists were stunned and slightly nauseous this week to find the face of US Senator Ted Kennedy unexpectedly present in the most recent feeds from their Spirit rover, one of NASA’s two remote-controlled toys currently canvassing the Martian surface. Once they’d recovered from the pain and confusion of seeing the senator’s visage cruelly larger-than-life on the big screen, however, speculation erupted among engineers as to what this means about the red planet’s mysterious history.

“This is huge,� explained mission commander Emeril Welch. “Bigger than Ted Kennedy even, if you can imagine that. This is incontrovertible evidence of life on Mars, and booze.�

Once only a controversial theory, this latest evidence all but proves that Mars once contained enough booze and loose women to support the Massachusetts senator. The news is sweet vindication for the few fringe scientists who have argued for years that the red planet once played host to representative democracy, and floozies.

“Ted Kennedy might have been able to get by on Mars without water, but no way is this a dry planet in the alcohol sense,� stated Welch. “We think it’s only a matter of time before one of the rovers uncovers evidence of shot glasses and used condoms.�

The discovery is a boon for scientists of all stripes, who had previously been embarrassingly excited about finding trace evidence of long-gone water inside rocks on the Martian surface. This latest finding confirms that Mars once contained not only various forms of water and club soda, but also a virtual minibar of alcoholic concoctions.

Preliminary drilling in Kennedy’s face has uncovered evidence of whiskey, vodka and scotch, with various crags in the face showing evidence of large quantities of rum once existing on the Martian surface. Such discoveries represent a quantum leap for NASA scientists, who have gone from scouring the Martian surface for faint evidence of microbes to speculating about the Martian bar scene in mere days.

How Kennedy got to Mars, or perhaps came to Earth from Mars, is another question entirely, and one scientists will explore after they’ve answered the burning question of whether or not a Martian could get drunk off the dust from Kennedy’s face. Conspiracy theories have already surfaced suggesting some kind of drunken shuttle mishap, covered up jointly by NASA and the Massachusetts senator. These theories have put a new spin on the original controversial “face� on Mars, first spotted by the Viking Orbiter 1 in 1976 and now thought to possibly be the visage of Kennedy’s female shuttle companion, presumably killed in the crash and later denied by the Kennedy family and the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

These latest discoveries have put on hold cash-strapped NASA’s plans to charge $5 a minute for web surfers to drive the Mars rover from their home computers, using keyboard commands or supported peripheral joysticks. This would seemingly put an end to heated online debate over whether the rover would accept quarters or would require special tokens. Early indications are that the online community is “pretty bummed� at the prospect of missing out on killer games of “Tank Battle� between the rovers Spirit and Opportunity.

n a setback for complete bitches everywhere, Martha Stewart was convicted of four criminal charges by a jury of twelve of her peers, only much poorer. A deleted phone message and testimony from a "friend" of Stewart put the nails in her defense's coffin and doomed the austere homemaker and queen bitch to almost certain prison time.

With no television cameras in the courtroom, the prosecution spent less time on their hair and suits and focused on building a concrete case against Stewart, who was found guilty for trading her shares of ImClone based on an improper stock tip and attempting to cover up evidence of the illegal action. Stewart's defense claimed the ImClone stock was sold because Stewart had meant to buy stock in the Raelian company that made the clone baby, but got the name wrong. The defense claimed Stewart believed ImClone, a pharmaceutical company working on a cure for cancer, was "sure as shit not going to show profit."

Though Stewart has yet to be sentenced, with the severity of the crime, a term in a minimum-security prison is most likely. Stock in her own company, Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, dropped 25% in value when her conviction was made public. Stewart didn't do anything to help her sentencing hearing when she dumped all shares shortly before the announcement.

Stewart met the court proceedings with confidence, even showing up the first day of the trial with a $12,000 handbag in tow, prompting members of the jury to murmur, "Jesus, you believe this bitch?" As she was found guilty on all counts, courtroom witnesses described Stewart as "surprised, with an underlying current of bitchy just below the surface."

Since the end of the trial Stewart has professed her innocence and vowed to appeal the case until she is exonerated. She didn't stand on the steps of the courthouse frantically smacking her lawyers about the face and pushing them down the steps, hair frazzled and face manic like a comic Cruella DeVille, but wouldn't it have been great if she had?

Judge Miriam Cederbaum instructed the jury Stewart was subject to guilty or not guilty findings based only on the evidence, and not on the obscure "what a bitch" clause the prosecution proposed, which was originally founded to justify temporary insanity in spousal murder cases. The jury deliberated seven hours before returning, and according to juror Shelby Thucker, they were very conscious of the media attention their verdict would be given.

"We were all extra careful to argue both sides of the case, to make sure our decision wasn't based on anything but evidence," said Thucker, via phone interview. "The men in the jury were quick to call her a bitch, while most of the women found her to be a very successful self-made woman. Finally, we came to the conclusion we were both right. I know lots of people consider powerful women to be bitches, and that's not fair. But Martha Stewart… don't you get the feeling she could be penniless and still be the world's biggest, poorest bitch?"

Clearly, Stewart could be idolized by young upwardly-mobile women everywhere for her shrew business sense and formidable demeanor. For those who find bitchiness a virtue, she was a true beacon in the business world. Even her ethical behavior in making more money and protecting her interests can be respected by aspiring self-made women. However, she got caught, which should be enough to lose all of our respect.

Stewart would not return calls placed to her attorneys by the commune—the bitch.

Editor's Note: For the first time ever, we received no column from Rok Finger this week. We thought we'd instead run this news piece that came over the wire, hoping perhaps his missed deadline might be more explainable.

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI — A boatload of approximately 200 Haitian refugees were intercepted off the Florida Keys in a boat registered to an American, Kevin McCale, of Richmond, Virginia. McCale and associates have been missing for more than a week following an incident witnessed just off Haitian shores.

According to relatives of McCale, he and his crew of five friends were believed held hostage for more than a month at the hands of a diminutive old man with delusions he was a pirate. The man had been observed by witnesses in Singapore wearing a Napoleon hat and bearing a dead starling on his shoulder. His face was described as "horrible" by those who saw him.

The boat fell into the hands of Haitian refugees, witnesses tell, when half a mile off the coast of Port-Au-Prince, under the guidance of the mischievous dwarf figure, the boat approached a makeshift raft carrying the refugees, possibly in an attempt to rob the natives. Events turned as the raft inhabitants took to the water and leapt aboard the cruise boat, piling onto it in numbers enough to nearly capsize it, and wrested control from its crew. The Americans aboard the boat were thrown into the water, including a dog wearing an eyepatch who was addressed using a profane name.

The Americans swam for Port-Au-Prince, where upon reaching the shores they were abducted at gunpoint by a mob expressing anti-Aristide dissent and anti-U.S. sentiment. Witnesses, including international reporters, describe the events following as the prisoners were bound, lifted into the air, and carried through the city by the angry mob shouting "Down with tyrants!"

Following the incident, a bizarre, jarbled message from an anti-Aristide group described by other dissidents as not affiliated with official Aristide opposition was received by the U.S. embassy:

"We have your king and several of his henchmen. We also have their dog. The free people of Haiti demand an end to American meddling in the politics of our nation. The United States must end its corrupt fleecing of the Haitian people and allow fair trade so our countrymen will at last be free. Long live Haitian independence!"

U.S. representatives say they believe the off-shoot group is holding the small contingent of Americans hostage in exchange for political demands, and they are attempting to negotiate their release through non-violent means. References to a "foul, odorous midget" in the original message are believed to indicate the mysterious small man previously seen in control of McCale's vessel.

Administration officials are also seeking information about an alleged boatwreck survivor found yesterday off the coast of Florida, believing he may be involved in the incident in some way. The man, identified as Camembert Morgen of New Jersey, was picked up by the Coast Guard clinging to his wheelchair to stay afloat. Inexplicably, he was also dressed as an 18th century British woman.

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