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April 5, 2004   
A keen smile and a sharp knife
homecommune news20,000 Seats Beneath the League with Stan AbernathieOr So You Thought with Red BagelBook RevoltBoris is Gay with Boris UtzovMy Friend Polio with Omar BricksMy Dearest Deidrebane with Carlisle P. ChesterfeldChild Star with Clarissa ColemanThe Best of Joel DickmanNo Shit? with Griswald DreckOne Sane Man with Raoul DunkinEditorial CartoonsFanmail from Some Flounders: Letters to the EditorGiving You the Finger with Rok FingerThe Hanes Identity with Mickey HanesSampson L. Hartwig RemembersShort N’ Sweet with Stan HooperPoop of the Century with Ramrod HurleyAmerican Jesus with Mitch KroegerYou Can’t Win with Alamo CruiseFortune 500 Cookies with Mazie the ChickenManifestos of FunMe Chinese with Ned NedmillerSittin’ Around the Pickle Barrel with Shorty and JeterPoetry CoronerEntertainment Police: Movie and Television ReviewsThis Space for Rent: Guest ColumnistsGlass Ceiling Fan with Thelma ReynoldsClarise Sickhead’s Bedtime StoriesGoddammit! with Ted TedReflections of a Goocher with Stu UmbrageThe World Vs. Homer Vanslykecommune Club with Emil Zender

Media Not Sure How to Profit from Gruesome Fallujah ImagesApril 5, 2004
New York City
AP
Fallujah Lite: The PG-13 version of Hell on Earth
W
ednesday's attacks in the Iraqi city of Fallujah, in which four former US soldiers were killed in a terrorist ambush before their bodies were dismembered, dragged behind cars and hung from a bridge by an angry mob, created a conundrum for television networks faced with the tough moral question of how to best profit from these shocking images.

"If we show them, we make a shitload of money," explained ABC News spokesperson Al Reuben. "If we don't show them, maybe we can claim the moral high ground and make a shitload of money down the line. It's a tough call."

Least troubled by the moral quandary was Fox News, whose plans to strap a helmet-cam to one of the dead bodies were scrapped when the angry mob grew impatient waiting for technicians to get a reading on the gr...Read more...

Future Archaeologists Have No Clue About 9/11

April 5, 2004
The Year 2117, The Future
Newsweek
The magazine cover in question, pre-future discovery
T
he torn-off front cover of a Newsweek magazine dating back to March of 2004, discovered by archaeologists at a dig outside Prozac City examining the remains of a 21st century McDonald’s child care facility, has sparked heated speculation as to the meaning of the magazine’s headline: “Inside the 9/11 Investigation.”

Since all records of the early 21st century were destroyed in the Great Silicon Wipe of 2009, modern-day scientists can only wonder about the troubles of 21st century man, not to mention what a 9/11 is and why it might need to be investigated. Archaeologists are split as to the possible interpretations.

“This clearly has to do with air pollution,” asserts present archaeologist and former Past Bob VI roommate Paul Silvestri, pointing ...Read more...

Country named Myanmar apparently not some kind of joke
Guy at next table eating salt right out of shaker
Yale bombed, Harvard too drunk to walk home
Yahoo! stock growth slows with name change to EasyNow!



April 5, 2004
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More Fads: The 1980's

No decade since the 1950's has so boldly established itself as a fad juggernaut as did the 1980's. In comparison, the 1990's were a sad decade for fads indeed, making one wonder where the will for conspicuous time wasting had gone. Probably the best explanation can be found in looking at each decade's drug of choice, and the resultant effect this had on American culture.

In the 1960's, Americans were dropping acid and grooving to the beautiful swirling colors of the traffic accident they'd just caused. The fads of the 60's were accordingly colorful and bizarre. The 70's were all about stinking up your jeans jacket with reefer smoke in the back of some sociopath's panel van, leading to fads as ugly and alienating as the decade itself. In the 80's, the hip and squares alike were...Read more...

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Milestones
1982: Rok Finger's scheduled sex change operation is cancelled when he's told the technology does not yet exist to change your sex from "Bone Dry in Death Valley" to "Gettin' Some."
Now Hiring
Goofus. Extreme cosmic fuck-up needed to offset commune staff as a whole boatload of Gallants. Pratfalls a plus. Strike that: Apparently we already filled this position with some Pludd guy months ago. Thought he was just an office in-joke, sorry.
Ill-Conceived Vacation Getaways
1.Locked in steamer trunk with mother-in-law.
2.North Platte, Nebraska. Was thinking of a different North Platte.
3.The hottest part of the sun. In July.
4.Feral Monkey Zone Theme Park. Provo, Utah.
5.The sweet release of death.
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Negative Ads Nastiest Ever

View Past Columns
BY roland mcshyster
3/15/2004
Get out of my office, America. You what? You came for the movie views and reviews? Well nevermind then, pull up a chair. I thought you were someone else. Those vultures collecting for the film critics' pension plan won't leave me alone. I say if those nitpicky old bastards don't have enough money now, they should have sold more phony review blurbs to the big studios back in their day. I'm sure there were plenty of lame movies back then, too. Probably all of them, so shame on you for missing out on the easy money, oldies. As for us, we've got some catching up to do here at Entertainment Police, so let's waste not a second more:

In Theaters

The Acid Flashback of the Christ
To be honest, I never knew that Jesus got hig...Read more...