hiteywood producers took a bold step in reality programming last Friday when they revealed, as part of the ABC fall schedule, one of their so-called "reality" series would be entirely asshole-free, cast only with likable personalities so unpopular in usual reality programming.

No Simon Cowels, no Donald Trumps, not even a Richard Hatch in sight, according to co-producer Bobbacrane Wilson. It's part of a risky plan to boost sagging reality ratings for those shows which haven't caught on with the public yet; while series like The Apprentice have made major waves, and American Idol holds strong, other reality series like The Restaurant have proven that reality series don't always strike gold every time out. The new "assholeless" series in development will give people bored with regular reality shows a chance to see something different.

"It's not a brand new idea," admitted co-producer of the show Harry Spalding. "Frankly, Hollywood has been trying to create a reality series without assholes since their initial burst in popularity in the early '90s, such as COPS. But once The Real World hit big, people gave up. It became apparent, at least for the time, America would much rather tune in each week and marvel at real assholes."

His partner Wilson agreed: "The big problem in creating a prick-free reality show is nobody could ever seem to do it. It became Hollywood's Gregorian knot. People tried to do reality shows based on churches and found them full of judgmental fire-and-brimstone knobs who wouldn't stop preaching. A reality show about school teachers reminded viewers of why they were in such a hurry to graduate. Someone even did a pilot about people who worked for the Salvation Army—you'd never believe what self-righteous dicks are running that place. It's enough to turn someone Republican."

Many attempts at doing reality shows in small towns, according to Wilson, failed to leave any positive impressions when every good-natured resident was outnumbered by trash-talking rednecks and closet KKK members. But this time, Spalding suggests, by returning to reality programming roots, their show has succeeded in its intent.

The show, Okay House, features six roommates, four of them from Sweden, who live together in a room paid for by the network and forced to resolve their conflicts in a polite, friendly fashion. A bonus incentive of $25,000 to whoever can keep from saying something unkind about other housemates has raised the likelihood of getting a show without jackasses.

An early version of the pilot was available for press review. In the series, the six roommates—Sven, Yorgi, Karl, Jake, Albert, and Bjorn—get into an amicable disagreement over whose turn it is to wash the dishes, as well as a polite war of words over what they can watch on TV. Of the cast, Karl, Sven, and Bjorn are non-English-speaking employees of an electrical cooperative in Sweden who were brought over by the network, Yorgi an Americanized Swedish citizen who was friends with the three in his home country, Jake is a Bible camp youth counselor from Ferngate, North Carolina, and Albert an 85-year-old man who seldom speaks.

While the producers and network claim to have high expectations for "the world's nicest reality show," critics have been less kind. Matt Roush of TV Guide called it "Paint Drying: The Series" and The New York Times predicted it would be the quickest cancellation in TV history.

According to CNN's Jeff Hinkley: "If I hear one more Swedish accent saying, 'I guess we'll agree to disagree,' I'm going to blow a hole through my TV."

fter being left in the dust by 200 years of Western technological and economic development, China shocked the world this week by announcing a plan to shun all non-Chinese technology in the future, spurning Western gadgetry and culture in favor of whatever the hell they can cobble together on their own.

Once the undisputed technological king of the world, China had a rough go at the 20th century, falling behind Western nations and neighboring Japan. Some trace this development back to China failing to make the transition from chopsticks to forks and knives in the 19th century. China's current communist government sees technological isolationism as the nation's best hope at self-reliance, and for fending off exploitation by Western corporations hungry to sink their teeth into a largely untapped 1.3 billion-person market.

The plan is not without its critics, chief among them the 1.3 billion Chinese who cry out in pain at the thought of having to trade in their favorite roundeye technologies in favor of some kind of cheap, shitty Chinese knockoffs, a fear the government has written off as unfounded. Western critics of the plan, however, question if China's state of technological development, which most consider to be "equivalent to the rest of the world, in 1982," is ready for such a huge step.

One of the first tests of Chinese readiness to cope with technological isolation will be this year's release of the ToyThing gaming console, designed to replace the popular Japanese PlayStation and American X-Box in Chinese video-gaming homes this fall. Some Chinese gamers are unnerved by the first batch of titles announced for the ToyThing console, which include Pac-Person, Jouster, Run You Frog!, and Barrel-Throwing Construction Ape. The Chinese government has reassured gamers that the ToyThing will be just as good as the gaming consoles they've grown used to, and will come with an equivalent to the popular Grand Theft Auto title in a new Chinese-made game called Polish Position.

China's government has its highest hopes set on the new Chinese DVD equivalent, the EVD (Extra Very-Good Disc) player. Unsubstantiated government claims that the EVD is "like a DVD with super-powers" have yet to impress either Western critics or Chinese consumers, who doubt such a device actually exists and question the wisdom of naming China's new tech products in broken English.

Others wonder how the new video discs will fare without support from the Hollywood movie studios, a complication the Chinese government has actually been looking forward to.

"The time is come for Chinese to develop our own entertainments what is just as good as American," explained Ministry of Science and Technology Dr. Li Wenlei. "Already, Chinese is looking forward to great American-like film such as Little Deer Whose Mother is Dead, Kung-Fu Inside Computer and Look At Alien Flying Bike!"

Also drawing criticism is China's plan to forego the Wi-Fi wireless networking standard for a Chinese format known as WAPI (Wonderful Asian People Inside). WAPI won out over the competing WIMPI and OOPSI standards because the later two didn't work with the government's planned "WAPI to see you!" ad campaign for mobile video conferencing.

Many Chinese citizens expect these latest developments to be only the first step in a larger campaign of cultural isolation, a fear substantiated by recent government campaigns to encourage children to spurn Mickey Mouse for the Chokey Bear cartoon, and promotions for upcoming Chinese sitcoms such as Acquaintances and Bald Radio Psychiatrist Show.

One part of China's plan that has drawn little to no criticism in China or abroad is the government's decision to base all Chinese computers on a special Chinese offshoot of the Linux operating system, rather than the expensive and ridiculously security-challenged Microsoft Windows platform. Though some rumors have China abandoning the Internet entirely in favor of ham radios as a part of this scheme, most consider the package deal to be an overall upgrade for the lucky Chinese.

Hello, fans. Boris is being here. Welcome to thing that is fun times on road with Boris person, who is I. So much stories to tell of fun railroad hobo life, where is the beginning?

First thing, many Boris reader probably wondering "How Boris? How is it to become glamorous hobo celebrity?" Well, is easy. All person does need is hankychef thing inside to fold belongings, and stick for carrying hankychef far away because does smell like nose blows. Also, person cannot have house to be hobo. Because if do, all hobos will want to come to house to live and hobo it all up, no good. So keep this secret if you do have secret hobo house.

Hobo Boris (or Hoboris, as friend say) has Kleenex on stick for to carry belongings. Other hobos does have special cloth hankychef things but Hoboris blows nose in this and threw away before knowing it was suitcase. So Hoboris make does with Kleenex thing, is just as fine except when there is raining, then Hoboris must run for cover or lose shits everywhere.

All hobos does love to sing campfire song, this is Hoboris favorite part. All fun songs like "Jimmy Broke the Corn" and "There is a Banjo on My Leg." Hoboris did not make several friends first time trying this, because other hobos did not know "Future So Bright Is Time For Sunglasses" song, but Hoboris soon getting hang of this hobo singing thing.

Hobo doing is easy job, and no worry of to get fired. Just to walk around, ride on train, peek around for foods. To discover foods is hard part, because hobo does not get allowance and there is no Louis robot to pack Hoboris lunches in morning. Mostly is to find foods other persons forgets to eat. Sometimes forgetful person is eating lunch in big trash thing called dumper and he leaves his foods there for Hoboris, is nice. Or sometimes when stomach is so empty Hoboris does scare childrens away from Happy Meal to eat. This is O.K. because childrens is fat and does need running exercise.

One day, Hoboris is thinking to starve when looking through dumper for can of Pringles or frozen dinner. There is no food here except jar of nasty jar pickles. Is kind with bird on jar, Hoboris thinking these are shit pickles. Birds don't not know how to make good pickles, is mean but truth.

But thanks to trash for answer! Paper in trash tells that Colonel wants Hoboris to come eat his chickens. Colonel is army person who does has too many chickens. This is a job for Hoboris! Yay for going to meet Colonel because Hoboris is so hungry for chicken!

Hoboris is thinking could be bad if Colonel yells in scary army voice, but don't not think so. Colonel is not like other army persons. When army persons want to go for war, Colonel say "No ways, take it easy and eat some chickens!" This is good person to have in armies.

But, bad news. When Hoboris does get there, Colonel is not home and Colonel's family is so stingy with chickens. Is trick to sell chickens to not-hobo persons who has money and shoes! So not fair, this bastard thing.

But things is even Steve after Hoboris does take big pickle shit in bathroom. Yay for Hoboris!

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