New TummyPort Surgery to Revolutionize Not Dieting

dvocates from both sides of the “Yo mama so fat/My mama just fine� debate are in up in arms this week with the announcement of Dr. Irving Kilpatrick’s controversial new TummyPort surgery, the latest medical advance to tout weight loss without the lifestyle-altering albatrosses of proper diet or self control. The revolutionary surgery, honed by Dr. Kilpatrick through years of secret testing on desperate fatties and abdominal injury victims, involves the installation of a small circular port in the patient’s abdomen, giving convenient external access to the weight watcher’s stomach for purposes of food extraction prior to digestion. Marketed as “bulimia without the barfy aftertaste,� the TummyPort technique already has a waiting list several hundred people deep at each of Dr. Kilpatrick’s seven clinics in the Houston metro area.

Decried by some medical professionals as “quackers,� others defend Kilpatrick’s procedure as a natural outgrowth of the popular stomach-stapling surgery, which was performed on a record number of Americans last year despite serious risks to the patient’s health, including hair loss, malnutrition, and instant death after blowing a staple at the all-you-can-eat buffet. Though the TummyPort does carry an increased risk of infection in the weeks immediately following the installation, it is unlikely to be life-threatening and can provide hours of Laundromat-like entertainment for family members mesmerized by the sloshing stomach contents visible behind the tempered glass of the TummyPort’s front hatch.

Speaking with the commune while performing a TummyPort installation on commune lab rat Raoul Dunkin, Dr. Kilpatrick downplayed the controversy following the announcement of his technique’s successful clinical trials.

“Any time science makes a bold leap forward, over the steaming bundle of dogshit that is popular convention, there’s bound to be either a hoopla or a to do, dependant upon the fashions of the day,� Kilpatrick mused, holding one of Dunkin’s unidentified internal organs ponderously in his left hand.

Asked what he thought of charges that the TummyPort was just the latest expensive medical gimmick to prey on consumers more willing to risk their health than to make positive lifestyle changes, Dr. Kilpatrick farted into a jar, sealed the lid and then handed it to this reporter without comment.

While many medical professionals have decried the surgery because of its increased risk of infection or the possibility that the TummyPort’s hatch could be accidentally left open at night, allowing a mouse or something to crawl in there, some doctors have objected to the technique solely on the grounds that it’s really fucking gross. Dr. Holman Dykstra of the Mayo clinic holds just such a view.

“Have you ever been over to someone’s house for dinner, and you’ve just finished enjoying a fine meal, only to have your host excuse themselves to go piss out their pork chops through a rubber attachment hose in the bathroom? It’s unsettling to say the least,� Dykstra intoned, the color suddenly draining from his face.

During a recent promotional tour to raise awareness of his procedure, Kilpatrick battled back at his detractors from the perspective of world hunger, raising the possibility that half-digested foodstuffs removed via the TummyPort could be captured in small jars and marketed as baby food.

“At the very least you could probably use it in your garden or something,� Kilpatrick suggested. “Some kind of fertilizer. I don’t know, I’m not a plant guy, but it seems like it would be good for something.�

As of this writing, commune reporter and resident douchebag Raoul Dunkin is enjoying the versatility provided by his TummyPort, but reports that fellow staffers flipping his hatch open right after lunch has become a minor problem, since he then has to go change his pants and eat lunch again.

ovember's presidential election officially became a four-man race when Sen. John Edwards, of North Carolina, announced Wednesday he had picked Sen. John Kerry to be his presidential running mate, throwing in his own hat for the vice-presidency. Edwards, the dynamic Kennedyesque Congressman who gave Kerry a real challenge in the race for the Democratic nomination, could provide enough boost to take the party into the White House this fall.

"No longer will America be divided under the current administration," Edwards declared, towering over a small podium as his bellows carried across a crowd of supporters. "We will stand united, and the people will have their way when we win back the White House!"

Edwards, the ten-foot tall former trial lawyer, had Kerry announce his decision in an email Tuesday, followed by a longer press conference on Wednesday. Rumors the two had disagreed on many key issues were dispelled when the behemoth senator hoisted Kerry up in his palm and carried him through the crowd on his shoulders.

"Edwards-Kerry in 2004!" they both shouted to the crowd.

Party insiders have speculated Kerry might decline Edwards ticket invitation, opting for a less stunning candidate, like Florida Sen. Bob Graham, Missouri Sen. What's-His-Name, or Joe Piscopo. Rumors had put Kerry at seeking Republican senator John McCain of Arizona for bipartisan ticket, but insiders say Kerry feared an assassination at the hands of Fox News and Clear Channel radio executives.

In the end, the Massachusetts senator accepted the offer to join the Edwards vice presidential ticket, putting to rest fears the junior North Carolina political superstar would overshadow… uhm… oh, shit, I just said it… you know, rhymes with Larry. Kerry! In his acceptance speech Wednesday, Edwards defied Kerry critics who accused the senator of leading an uninspired race and being an undead zombie.

"I've known this man for at least a few weeks. I think we've met before that, but I'm not that sure," said Edwards, gesturing to a man sitting two seats down from Kerry, before being corrected by an assistant. "This one, this one's John Kerry, and he's going to be our next president. He's got years of experience in Congress, and an outstanding record of service for our country. And I'm sure he's done other stuff. And I'll be happy to make him my partner as I pursue the vice-presidency!"

Concluded the Herculean young senator: "Change is coming, Washington, and that change will be called… aw, shit. I just said it! I just said it…"

The Bush campaign shook off any worries about the threat of an Edwards-Kerry ticket.

"People respond to the vice-president," said campaign spokesperson Wanda Waywitten. "Some people say he's a mean son of a bitch, a cruel, cruel little man, but I don't believe it. People only call him Dick because it's his name, despite what all those rumors suggest. He's not scared of death, his tiny heart has stopped so many times, so he's certainly not scared of a ten-foot Democrat. Is it really true he carved Mount Rushmore?"

Edwards has inspired many hopes Democrats in search of fiery, presidential leaders. Though his political career has lasted only a short duration, Edwards previously spent years as a trial lawyer, and his life inspired the John Grisham novel The Rainmaker. Before passing the bar, some say Edwards stomped through North America and created the Great Lakes, once brewed the world's best beer, and invented the first radio. Legend also has it he designed all the album covers for Yes and lassoed the moon, all before his 25th birthday.

Being Hobo Boris is not all times good like horse cream and lollipop. Yes, Boris does sing song about good part of this life, but also there is more pieces to the Reese's. Sometimes is pain in ass like sitting on dead porcupine or also live porcupine. There is hard things like always finding place to pee, or for sleeping. Best this is not same place, tip from Boris. But sleeping place is sometimes biggest asspain to find, this is truth.

Boris does try sleeping in airport, but persons doesn't not believe Hoboris is flying to Homeland with no suitcase and pants who does not cover ass. So sad, goodbye airport and free TV with no sounds. Next Boris does try Laundromat, but this good sleeping idea goes to shits when person does throw wet clothes on Boris and turn on spinning pain machine. Boris does scream goodbye to this Laundromat. Boris also does try sleeping at hospital, but doctor persons are smart to see Boris not really having missing arm, is just tucked in shirt like trick.

Finally good idea come into Boris brain after wander into movie theater to see movie about Boris cousin who does live in airport long time. So funny and good to see. But words at end so boring Boris does fall asleep and wake up when place is all closed and dark. Eurkel! This is brilliant smart place for Boris to live! There is bathroom thing and grocery store with popcorn and hot dog to eat. Hooray for genius Boris!

But this all change quick fast next day when Boris wake up and there is movie on thing about hero with bug powers. So interesting, this Spiderguy thing. Boris does love this so much is decided to fight crime from now on using special Boris bug powers.

After trying to climb wall of movie theater and falling into big trash caddy, is realize Boris does not have powers of this bug thing.

Boris does think about this, to find what bug does have Boris powers. After looking around place for few days, is learned that Boris doesn't not have strong like ant, or flying power like fly. Boris can buzz but this is wrong power to have from fly. Boris can't not suck the blood like mosquito unless persons is already hurt bleeding, and even this causes big fight misunderstanding. Pretty sure Boris doesn't not have earthworm cut-in-half-makes-two-earthworm power. Don't not think so. Boris also doesn't not have bravery power of bee to find out if him has earthworm powers, so sad.

But after big looking Boris does finally find bug with special Boris powers: is Potato Bug. You know this things? Is bug so ugly and slow, is like tiny dinosaur monster, so funny. Potato Bug can't not do any special things but no persons or dogs does make trouble because thing is so ugly and scary thing. This is power for Boris to have. After weeks of being Hobo Boris, dirty and ugly skill grow so powerful is scary. No person wants to messing with Boris or sit in same room with window closed.

So this is answer to how Boris is to become crime-fighting super thing. All persons will cheer for Potato-Boris and his way of scaring away criminal with unpleasant appearance powers. Now last trick is to find crime for the stopping. Boris not so sure how to do this thing. Is easy when Boris is at commune office, so much bad thing happen there. But now Boris must wait for persons to stop being so nice all times before can reveal secret hero identity.

Yay for waiting!

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