olls conducted by mortal agencies across America are beginning to unravel startling information about polls: They are not always correct, and information is not always given with the most honorable intentions.

This information comes as a shock to pollsters and politicians alike, as some questions have returned information demonstrating the lack of sincerity in responses. A recent Gallup poll on the presidential election found that over 70 percent of respondents described themselves as the head of a their household and reported an annual income of over ten gabillion. According to the latest census information and annual salary figures reported by corporations, determined to be more accurate, less than one percent of the nation actually earns over ten gabillion dollars annually, causing analysts to speculate incorrect information was reported. Backing up this hypothesis is the response to inquiries about the speaker's sex, to which over 97 percent responded "Yes."

Inaccurate polling information leaves some with the feeling that none of the conclusions drawn by polls can be trusted, a disturbing notion for politicians relying on polling information, and an even more troublesome proposition for companies making their money from polling. However, it would explain how polls conducted by different companies can draw different conclusions, such as recent presidential election polls that show the race led by President George W. Bush, candidate John Kerry, or show both tied neck and neck.

"Clearly, someone is fucking with us," said Gallup poll analyst Stephen Herschel. "I guess they think it's funny."

The quandary brings up questions about the similar circumstances of the 2000 election, when Al Gore won a much larger number of votes than predicted in some earlier polls, and less than accorded him by others. Exit polls in Florida also played a significant role in decisions by major news networks to predict Gore the winner of the state, key in the 2000 presidential election, even though the frail polls failed to predict the battle for the state ahead. Herschel, a longtime developer of polling questions for political campaigns, paints a bleak picture of an election with untrustworthy polls.

"A lot of Americans like to vote for the guy who is going to win," Herschel informs. "If they don't have polls to tell them who is going to win, then there is no way for them to make an informed decision about who to vote for. Then there's the nightmare of actually being a candidate running for office and having no polls to rely on. How do you know what to stand for then? How can you reach the voters if you don't have any idea what they want you to say? All you have to fall back on in such a case is personal experience, knowledge of the issues themselves, and leadership qualities. Without polls, you can't preach to the converted."

The concerns about polls beg the question, why in the world would someone not report accurate information to a faceless corporation? Winston-Salem University of North Dakota's Professor Big Jim Dean, of the Department of Psychology, postulates a theory:

"As strange as it seems, we theorize that some people don't realize the value of an accurate poll, or even stranger, could care less about the questions themselves. These people may give inaccurate information on a lark, or to make themselves feel more important than they might by reporting accurately. Others may have their own political agenda, and try to shape the outcome of the poll by giving information that they think will further their own cause, whatever it may be. Alas, these may be the dangers of asking random people their thoughts and feelings on issues. At least, this is the research I've accumulated by talking to my students. And I don't see any reason why they'd make up something like that."

eeks nationwide made an embarrassing collective sound last Wednesday as they recoiled in terror at the news that NASA’s experimental Sega Genesis gaming console, the first home video game system to be shot into space, had crash landed in the Utah desert after the 16-bit console’s parachutes failed to open upon re-entry into Earth’s atmosphere.

“This is a fucking disaster!� recoiled 28-year-old vintage gaming dweeb Chance Lambeau, wearing an Alex Kidd in Miracle World tee shirt he had silk-screened at great personal expense. “Finally, the world was going to get to see what the Genesis was really capable off, from its innovative System 16 processor to its wide library of classic games, but NASA had to screw the pooch and slam dunk the thing in the Alkali Salt Flats. Jeez. Game over, man.�

The Genesis has long held a special place in the hearts of video game geeks, ever since debuting in 1989 as the US’s first 16-bit gaming console for the home market. Offering a huge step up in performance from the popular 8-bit consoles of the day, including the much-loved Nintendo Entertainment System and the much settled-for Sega Master System, the Genesis opened up a new world of arcade-like gaming for spoiled white kids everywhere. And it came with Altered Beast.

NASA first conceived of sending a Genesis into space in 2000, with the stated goal of “doing some science stuff� and finding out if Sonic the Hedgehog would play faster in zero gravity. Though the sheer number of vintage gaming geeks employed by NASA made this explanation plausible to most, many believed the Genesis was simply the most advanced piece of equipment that NASA could afford due to severe budgetary cutbacks. According to unconfirmed sources, NASA picked up the Genesis console at a Cape Canaveral-area flea market for $10.

While NASA scientists insist that the Genesis mission was primarily about using the console’s unique chip architecture to collect solar dust or something, critics have called the mission an expensive excuse for NASA engineers to reminisce about their childhood console-gaming days, and to beat their old high score on Revenge of Shinobi in the name of science. Several have also pointed to NASA’s choice of the Dugway Proving Grounds in Utah for the Genesis re-entry, a location close to the hearts of retro gaming geeks ever since it inspired the early video game classic Dig-Dug.

Regardless of the mission’s true intent, NASA’s plan to catch the re-entering console using helicopters flown by Hollywood stunt pilots drew widespread skepticism even before the Genesis went down like a Walkman into the toilet.

“What were they thinking?� sneered console gaming guru Ben “Game Genie� Wilmington. “They were going to cherry-pick that thing out of the sky with helicopters while it screamed toward the earth and unbelievable speeds? That’s stupid, even for NASA. Those guys have been playing way too much Choplifter.�

Others have reacted with surprise to photos of the crash site and the Genesis’ impact crater in Utah’s salt flats, claiming that the Genesis pictured appears much larger than a standard model, and may have been warped by the effects of space travel. NASA scientists insist that a regular Genesis console was used, and claim to have the original warranty card in a box somewhere to prove it. Physicist Cole Janson also pointed out that outdated technology always seems smaller in memory, reminding readers that early VCRs were roughly the size of today’s microwave ovens.

NASA is still debating what to do with the broken console. The original scenario called for the Genesis to be transported back to NASA headquarters under armed guard immediately following touchdown, just in time for a heated tournament of NHL Hockey ‘94 that NASA scientists had been anticipating for months.

“We were really looking forward to having the Genesis back,� admitted a crestfallen Roger Neumann, Genesis project manager. “Now I don’t know what we’re going to do. Sweeney thinks we should sell what’s left for spare parts on eBay and pick up a Playstation instead, but most everybody here was pretty attached to the games we already had. Here at NASA, we’re not all about technology for technology’s sake, you know. Flashy graphics can only count for so much. We’ll figure out something though, we’re NASA. Maybe a quick trip to the moon would help lift everyone’s spirits. Couldn’t hurt.�

Dear commune:

I read a preview copy of Kitty Kelley’s upcoming biography of Red Bagel, which I regularly do in the course of my job—read other people’s mail. I couldn’t believe some of the stories she tells. It’s a disgrace. However, I’m not naïve enough to believe she made up everything. The best biographies are 75% truth and 25% embellishment. Or something like that—for a more exact formula, I’d need my slide rule, and they don’t let me have one while I’m working since I’m not supposed to be doing math.
So is it true or what? Or how much of it is true? Because this is some seriously wicked shit to be true.

Jimmy Connors
Trumpet, New Mexico


Dear Jimmy:

Ah, Jimmy. It’s not often we get a chance to defend ourselves from outside allegations, since fearless leader Red Bagel won’t allow us to respond to questions until they’re asked. But he’s been dying to set the record straight ever since that biography-writing harlot (not in a bad way) started digging her rhinoplastied nose into his past. So let’s do that now.

The stories about drug experimentation are partially true, but misrepresented. All of Red Bagel’s forays into drugs were just searches for cures to his uncontrollable temper. No one here has actually seen Red transform into the giant blue beast, and we’re praying to God we never will. You can hardly blame him for messing around with psychedelic drugs and stool softeners in that case.

All this stuff about him knocking Newt Gingrich off a balcony in Venice is pure baloney. It’s funny how stories get all tangled up and the details are fouled up. The real story: Red was having sex with Ann Coulter and punched her in the back of her head while she was telling him a story about Newt Gingrich falling off a balcony in Venice. And the punch was only part of their foreplay.

The thing about Donahue was true, and nobody need apologize to anyone. They’re still close friends, and exchange baking tips over the phone once in a while.
Red Bagel did not vote for Reagan in the 1984 election. This kind of character-assassination is depraved and will not be tolerated. Red voted for Jimmy Carter four times in 1980, breaking his previous voting record of six times for George McGovern. In 1984, Red was distressed about the choice of Walter Mondale as the Democratic candidate, so he declined to vote. But he did burn his draft card in protest of the Vietnam war. It had been over for years, but still a worthy cause.

We hope this makes sense. Or if that’s asking too much, we hope you at least quit reading sleazy biographies. But we hear that one on Bush Jr. is going to be a real pot-boiler. We’re getting ours soon.

the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for the rising gas prices. It can probably be attributed to the flaming reserves of oil in Iraq. If you want to know who started those fires, feel free to ask around, but unless you want a long diatribe, don’t ask Billy Joel.

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