fter weeks of suggesting that patients who had gone blind while using the company’s best-selling erectile dysfunction drug were pussies, the pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has assumed a new tack this week, as explained in the recent publication of the company’s informational packet entitled “Viagra Doesn’t Cause Blindness, Yanking Your Wank for Five Hours Causes Blindness.�

“Not only does Viagra work, sometimes it works all too well,� Pfizer spokesperson Dennis Baylor chuckled knowingly in explanation. “And sometimes it takes a little ‘self control’ to get that horse back in the corral, you know?�

Baylor continued to speak in baffling euphemisms for several minutes.

“Like if a business meeting’s about to start, or your wife’s pulling up in the driveway and you’ve still got your pants off and the Ken dolls and Candyland pieces strewn around the bedroom, well then it might be time to take matters into your own hands, if you know what I mean,� Baylor inferred, possibly speaking from personal experience.

“But too much of a good thing can be a bad thing,� Baylor continued. “And the old wives’ tales might be right about how being a little too friendly with your member might just lead to a little condition we like to call the blind man’s buff.�

Doctors like to call the condition non-arteritic anterior ischemic optic neuropathy (NAION), or in English, the sudden, permanent loss of vision due to swelling of the optic disc. Pfizer argues for a coincidental association, given that the NAION condition is most common in the sadly overweight and the diabetic, both prime markets for the company’s dick pills.

Pfizer’s Viagra has been for years the leader in the lucrative Erectile Dysfunction market, known as “ED� to everyone but guys named Ed. A serious health side-effect like blindness could torpedo the company’s profits, since being blind is nearly as much of an obstacle to scoring chicks as is not being able to get it up. Add the two together, and you’re in some serious deep shit.

Baylor was evasive when asked to clarify, in simple terms, what exactly the company was blaming for the incidents of blindness.

“What, are you daft?� Baylor balked. “Choking the chicken, slamming the ham, paying a visit to Peter O. Johnson, tree-hugging, the friendly fist!�

“Uh… spanking it, giving a slap-down to the little man, torquing your tuna, performing the holy handshake!� continued Baylor, growing frustrated and less nice by the minute. “You know, kid, dong massage!�

Unable to get a clear answer from Pfizer, this reporter turned to men’s men on the street for answers.

“Yeah, my mom always told me that would happen,� explained disco-ball installer Trent Yardbird. “Going blind because of, you know, taking your little buddy out for a skipper. Pulling the pud, slapping the salmon. The man’s crank handshake. You know what I’m talking about.�

This reporter’s further requests for clarification were all met with a withering “Man, you stupid.�

However, this reporter will not rest until he finds the truth, commune readers. At the suggestion of commune editor Red Bagel, I’ve scheduled an interview with my high school health teacher, Mr. Thorpe, as I continue my dig for the truth. Apparently Bagel believes he may have inside information relevant to this investigation.

ollywood mourned the loss of another great couple this week, when super-hottie Shannon Elizabeth filed for divorce from the incredibly fortunate guy she married years ago. Citing "irreconcilable differences," not the awful Shelley Long movie, but the standard divorce patter for the sex life went to shit, the couple ended their three-year marriage, leaving Elizabeth to go back on the market and husband something Reitman to sink further into anonymity.

Elizabeth, most famous for her beautiful face and gravity-defying breasts, has appeared in two of the otherwise-insufferable American Pie movies and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, while husband Reitman, most famous for somehow bedding Playboy-quality ass despite having no real movie credits to his name, has appeared next to Elizabeth in a few photographs and not much else.

Some speculate trouble started on the set of Ashton Kutcher's M-TV show Punk'd, where trouble usually starts in Hollywood, when Reitman attempted to punk the brunette sexpot; but friends of the couple suggest the punking had been going on for months beforehand, and the couple spent more time by themselves than together, leading to the marriage's disintegration.

Elizabeth's pending divorce makes her available to enter the dating scene again, opening the door for relationships with attractive rock stars, hot Hollywood hunks, and even diminutive alternative news website reporters with charming vestigial wings.

The Shannon Elizabeth divorce from the formerly lucky fuck is only the latest in a string of super-hot celebrity babe news this week, including the deeper sinking of Katie Holmes into the world of science-fiction religion.

Fresher news also has Alias star Jennifer Garner wedding millionaire dope Ben Affleck in a secret Carribean wedding. Affleck, a renowned babe bagger with a track list including Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez, began dating Garner after his relationship with J-Lo flamed out, and he desperately wanted to find someone to fulfill the "nifer" part of his famed "Bennifer" moniker. The wedding comes as no surprise to hot chick watchers, as rumors have circulated for weeks that Garner may be pregnant with the seed of Affleck. Biologists, at least those of us who have a high school biology background, speculate the baby will either be a super-sexy spy or a really bad actor.

Also on the Ted Ted short list of fine asses to watch, Tomb Raider and sexual fantasy star Angelina Jolie was photographed with rich male hottie Brad Pitt, further fueling speculation the two were the source of friction that ended Pitt's marriage to Hollywood TV honey Jennifer Aniston.

On a sadder note, picky religious nutjobs found fault with sculpted super-beauty Jessica Simpson after the debut of Simpson's semen-inducing video for "These Boots Are Made for Walking," where Simpson is seen washing a car alá home video queen Paris Hilton's infamous Carl's Jr. commercial, in the guise of her Dukes of Hazzard role of Daisy Duke. The alarmed Baptists condemned the lovely jezebel as parading around all "slutty" and demanded she make a cleaner version of the video. Ted Ted, in response, demanded they burn in hell for ruining his good time.

In the meantime, Shannon Elizabeth asked for privacy during this very personal time, and could not be reached for response since this reporter did not have her number, no matter how desperately he keeps asking the publicist for it.

Ladies and Gentleman, I'd like to bring things down for a minute, if that's okay with all of you. Make things a little somber. Bring up an unflattering truth, even if we're all reluctant to hear it, because that's what rap is about: Making us face the unpopular realities of the world.

A lot of us have lost friends in the Las Vegas-Atlantic City Coast Wars, haven't we? It's sad, I know. Why, a friend of mine, MC Charles Laser, he was one of the first to go down in the dispute. I'd like to have a little hand for him, if we can, MC Charles Laser! A good man, if I ever met one. One of the best Las Vegas show-stopping rappers you ever could hear. Taken in the prime of his showbiz life—he was only 47.

But you know, as great as Charles was, he's not the only one. A lot of us have lost homies on both sides of this senseless war. I'm not going to stand here and dis Atlantic City. There are many, many fine hip-hop artists out there, who perform some of the finest old school rap there is. Why, my very own DJ, DJ John Waterhouse, actually started with an Atlantic City act called Smilin' Wiley and the Funky Bunch. To dis Atlantic City is to dis my own blood. Is that hip? I think not.

The Atlantic City rappers do their own thing, and we here in Vegas do our own, too. Cappin' Crunch and I aren't likely to share the stage, but it's just because our acts are so different. I don't begrudge him his success. He deserves every penny he's earned for every record he's turned. Give it up for Cappin' Crunch now, everyone! That's it!

Which is why it just burns me up to hear some of these rappers—and they know who they are—these rappers who insist on saying derogatory things about their "opposition" on the other coasts. I heard a rapper right here in Las Vegas say MC PawPaw in Atlantic City was a perpetrator. Now, I've met MC PawPaw, people. He's no perpetrator. He's the real deal, and I'd stake my own professional reputation as an old school rapper on that. Las Vegas, Atlantic City, it's all good, friends.

Frankly, I think these negative rappers are just unimaginative. They have nothing good to say about anything, so they stoop to saying the worst things about other rappers. Other rappers, I might add, whom they know are class acts and possess talents superior to their own. That's what really burns them up. You can sling mud all you want, but that's not what rap is about. I rap about perpetrators, sure, but I never name names. That's just low-class, folks.

But you all know the negative rapping isn't even the worst of all this Las Vegas-Atlantic City rap war stuff. Friends have died. Homies have been lost. We all know the tragic story of DJ Sugar Cane, who was so distraught when he heard the negative things said about him in some "nameless" naysayer's rap, he lost control of his car and crashed. Died instantly—that's not right. Or Atlantic City's own P. Party, who was so tormented to read the mudslinging in Rap-Happy magazine, he took his own life. Sad. And there's the story of my friend MC Charles Laser, who became so infuriated, driven to near insanity by the slaps coming at him out of Atlantic City, he boarded a plane to fly out there and give them a piece of his mind. And that plane crashed upon take-off.

Too much blood has been shed already!

That's why I'm pouring a martini for my dead homies—on both coasts—and ask all of you to stop the insizzanity. Make rap, not war.

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