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 June 18, 2007 |
Los Angeles, CA Junior Bacon Hilton is seen here exiting the detention center and getting mentally psyched up for a new career as a nineteenth century pub boxer.
“When I heard the courts had ordered 23 episodes, I knew this was going to be a big hit,” explained media buttsniff Margo Philsbury. “Talk about a fish out of water! Previous seasons of The Simple Life really failed to go for the gusto like this one did. I mean, Paris Hilton? In jail? Can you just imagi...
he early run of hotel heiress and all around well respected young lady Paris Hiton’s highly-anticipated new series The Simple Life: Century Regional Detention Center hit an unexpected blip this week, with Hilton walking off the set of this groundbreaking new creative enterprise. A Hitlon spokesperson cited “creative differences” between Hilton and the detention center officials who are producing the show in conjunction with the Los Angeles County courts. “When I heard the courts had ordered 23 episodes, I knew this was going to be a big hit,” explained media buttsniff Margo Philsbury. “Talk about a fish out of water! Previous seasons of The Simple Life really failed to go for the gusto like this one did. I mean, Paris Hilton? In jail? Can you just imagine it?” “C’mon, she’s so pretty. She’s like a princess,” explained Sheriff Lee Baca, who facilitated Hilton’s temporary departure from the show. “Or whatever they call it. Hostess? Heiress? Celebutante? Is that a real world now? You don’t put people like that in jail. Then all the kids would want to go to jail, they’d be skateboarding in public and carjacking and shit just to get in and live the glamorous life of an inmate like Miss Hilton.” The public’s anticipation of the new series was sky-high leading up to its June 3rd debut, with MTV Video Awards host Sarah Silverman devoting a sizeable portion of her opening monologue to wishing the hotel heiress well in her latest endeavor. Audience members, however, couldn’t tell if Silverman was being ironic or post-ironic, also known as “sincere.” Meanwhile, rumors abounded that Simple Life co-star Nicole Richie was working on a heroin possession deal to possibly continue the series without Hilton’s involvement. “I heard they wanted Paris to eat this grody food, like she was in prison or something,” jawed Hilton friend and fellow What-The-Fuck-Are-You-Famous-For celebrity Richie. “And she was like ‘no way’ and they were like ‘you weigh 75 pounds, you’re gonna die if you don’t eat’ and she was like ‘I’d rather die than eat chicken fried steak, gross!’ and they were like ‘okay you can go home.’” Hilton had landed the deal for the new series after wowing audiences with her performance last September, when a drunken Hilton was pulled over for weaving like an African-American hairdresser and reportedly told the police it was only because all she’d had for dinner was a martini. Other guest appearances in January and February cemented her position as America’s favorite excuse to not pay attention to Iraq, leading to a new deal for the show’s unexpected sixth season. Hotel maids, restaurant owners and taxi cab drivers alike applauded the move, hoping it would mean Hilton would stop pissing everywhere. Disaster was averted on Friday, when Hilton acceded to the producers’ demands that she honor her contract, returning to the set in a spirited mood, boisterously vocal about her enthusiasm for the project. The show’s production was immediately resumed, thrilling fans of lesbian shower scenes and mind-numbing rot the world over. the commune news is not responsible for Paris Hilton. the commune news is not responsible for Paris Hilton. the commune news is not responsible for Paris Hilton. Ivana Folger-Balzac could teach the heiress a thing or two about avoiding jail time, but still lags a distant third to Hilton and that chick who invented the headache excuse among the nation’s most-hated women. Give it a year though, we here at the commune really believe in Ivana.
 | Democrats Celebrate Iraq Funding Bill Reverse-VictoryMay 28, 2007 |
Washington, D.C. Whit Pistol Democratic leaders Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid party like it's 1992, convinced that their speedbump in the media war against the president will ultimately prove them the victors.
"By giving the president the funds he wants for the war without standing by our call for a withdrawal strategy, as the president warned us not to include, we have demonstrated we are flexible, even jelly-like," Pelosi bragged, with a knowing nod to fellow Democrats supporting the unwin. "President Bush will take away an important lesson from ...
.C. Democrats wowed the press corps worldwide by celebrating the president's signing of a $100-billion Iraq and Afghanistan war-funding bill without the Democrat-mandated exit timetable, calling the showdown with the president an "astounding reverse-victory" over the war. Speaking with Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, House Speaker regarded the president's signing of the bill he asked for exactly as he asked for it with calm superiority. "By giving the president the funds he wants for the war without standing by our call for a withdrawal strategy, as the president warned us not to include, we have demonstrated we are flexible, even jelly-like," Pelosi bragged, with a knowing nod to fellow Democrats supporting the unwin. "President Bush will take away an important lesson from this face-off with the elected officials of this nation: We cannot be threatened, even if we can be goaded and intimidated. And believe me, when the war blows up in his face and cripples the Republican war machine for the next several years, we are going to give him such an 'I told you so!'" President Bush, at a speaking event at Toys 'R' Us in Dayton, Ohio Saturday, did not seem dissuaded by the Democrats' claims of success. "Stuck it to ya. In your face. Iron Maiden in '08!" the president told reporters, giving the crowd the traditional "rock on" sign with his hand. Presidential handlers described the terse response as a result of a long plane ride and too many cups of Kool-Aid by the sugar-sensitive leader of the free world. While political leaders on both sides of the fence were chanting hurrahs for their side, nameless critics who frequently only mask the real feelings of unbiased reporters were quick to accuse the Democrats of trying to dress-up a clear loss against a weakened president. For instance, Professor Chad Sham of Counterfeit Studies, of Bogus University in another state. "Democrats plainly did not want to be faced with brutal accusations of not supporting the troops heading into Memorial Day weekend, as it makes a shitty soundbite. The party is well aware that their current collective charisma couldn't butter a square of toast, so the last thing they want to do is be caught in the spotlights trying to stand firm against ridiculous accusations of a lack of patriotism and hating the troops, since ridiculous accusations of un-American sentiment seem to be exactly what motivates NASCAR dads to vote. NASCAR fumes may be the number-one killer of political intelligence in this nation, and if I were really a college professor, I'd probably start a research team to look into it." Real political analysts, like Amos Stamp, the guy who fills the commune vending machines every month, had clearer insight into the Democrats' long-term visions for the vote. "In some ways, they ain't so crazy," said Stamp, snacking on a Mr. Goodbar he clearly didn't pony up the dollar for. "Democrats vote to fund the war right now, and always call it a vote to support the troops later, since the two's synonymous with the uninformed voting population. But come September, this war's going to go clusterfuck-supernova and everybody will remember the Democrats was calling for an exit timetable then. They boost they're popularity and they get their exit bill then, and all it cost anyone was a few hundred more American lives. And in the president, the Democrats have avoided looking like assholes, which is something that's new to them anyway." Notably absent from the yea votes for the bill were the Democrats running for president in 2008, except Sen. Joe Biden (D., Delaware), who was believed to have copied his vote from Sen. Mitch McConnell (R., Kentucky) anyway. Many were quick to stress that they still support the troops, blah blah blah, but stand by our need to end this war as soon as possible. Only former president and trim-magnet Bill Clinton was more outspoken on his critique of Congress. "Everyone remembers the gruesome budget showdown between me and Gingrich's Congress, where the entire nation stopped for a few days to see who would win. The Democrats are smart to concede now, and sidestep that huge public flogging I took when I lost. Oh, wait, something doesn't sound right about it—I remember now. I won that one. What the fuck were they thinking?" the commune news steadfastly promises to veto any articles that come across our desk describing gay as "the new black." Black is the new black, motherfuckers. Correspondent Ramon Nootles can be cooked with your choice of beef, chicken, vegetarian, or oriental spice packets. Just try him.
|  Tree Bark Face Turns Out to Be Likeness of Jesus Lookalike Vance Waxman  Bob Barker Ceases to Exist After Retiring From Television  Memorial Day Celebrated With More Memorials in Iraq  Impotent Landslide in China Kills Only Micro-Fraction of Glorious Population |
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 June 18, 2007 the commune Sells OutAs of this writing it's been about one week since our building burned down. You may have seen it on your local evening news, or read about it in Fire! magazine, if such a thing exists. I can't say I have many regrets about it, although I would have preferred to have been given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation by a female firefighter. So I do have regrets, I suppose.
The whole "everything I own completely destroyed" comes at a pretty pivotal time in the commune history, as I was quite on the fence about whether or not to continue my fruitless Don Quixote-like pursuit of informing the public of the conspiracies around them, or to just retire and dedicate my life to hot-tubbin'. I've long begun to suspect that the Internet is nothing more than a passing fad, and short of crea...
º Last Column: Return to the Bermuda Shorts Triangle
º more columns
As of this writing it's been about one week since our building burned down. You may have seen it on your local evening news, or read about it in Fire! magazine, if such a thing exists. I can't say I have many regrets about it, although I would have preferred to have been given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation by a female firefighter. So I do have regrets, I suppose. The whole "everything I own completely destroyed" comes at a pretty pivotal time in the commune history, as I was quite on the fence about whether or not to continue my fruitless Don Quixote-like pursuit of informing the public of the conspiracies around them, or to just retire and dedicate my life to hot-tubbin'. I've long begun to suspect that the Internet is nothing more than a passing fad, and short of creating a MySpace site for the commune, there is no way to distinguish one's self on the worldwide web. So to summarize, I've decided to take the commune to a quarterly pamphlet publishing routine. As the commune started as a pamphlet, some might say we've taken a step back. I prefer to think of it as walking all the way around the earth until you wind up back in the exact same spot where you once stood. It's nothing personal against our readers or our staff, although there are a few of you who will one day get what's coming to you, nothing personal, it's just that I've poured way too much of my time and money into this anonymous enterprise and I don't believe we've affected nearly enough readers. If only the truth were more contagious, or I could infect everyone in the world with some kind of computer-born virus. This would not cause death or pain, this theoretical virus, but spread the love and joy that humanity can overcome the darkest things about itself; and possibly cause some rectal itching, who can say with theoretical computer-born viruses? This has been my dream. But as with all dreams, it must come to an end when we wake. This is not the end of the commune—not by far. I mean, it is for you, sure, but not the end for the commune staff, myself chiefly among them. We've all become close friends, and I'm sure they will have little problem doing the exact same work we do now with no office, an unprofessional outlet for their work, and absolutely no paychecks, not even coupons or Bagelbucks. They're dedicated like that, and it's not because they're stupid, no matter what you might have overhead me saying loudly while drinking it up. If anything, our low-budget guerrilla-style reporting will bring this family closer together. Particularly Raoul Dunkin, who most definitely needs to be brought closer together with force. I've already bought the perfect van to act as our new office, and as soon as I find out for sure who survived the fire we will all make our way south to Mexico, where publishing costs for pamphlets are simply insane. It's been rough for them all, this news I have yet to tell them, but we'll take it in stride. I'm not saying we will never publish on the Internet again, and if Emile Zender, lifelong subscriber to all things commune, deems it worth his time, he's welcome to transfer our smaller publications to the website version, which he is inheriting. And basically, as our last note, I think covering Paris Hilton going to prison pretty much finalizes all the news we could ever hope to report. What's more important than wealthy people being jailed for driving felonies? The world has turned upside-down and on its ear. Which reminds me, I promised the gang we could Van Twister a few minutes ago. It's like Twister, but in a van. So enjoy this, what may be our final commune. And if Ivana Folger-Balzac asks you where everyone disappears to when she gets back from her vacation, tell her we all died in the fire. I would wink at you, but this is text. Thanks for all the fond memories and however many years of loyal readership. º Last Column: Return to the Bermuda Shorts Triangleº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be Microsoft's new Futuretron 3000 Duck Simulator. That's almost a duck!”
-Rodney CheesesteakFortune 500 CookieWhen kicking out at opponents this week, aim for the nuts—always a good strategy. It's time to let that baby shark go home to its mama; it's been two years and you've got to take a bath sometime. Look forward this week to a final showdown with your mortal nemesis, Weezer. But watch out for the Rentals to intervene.
Try again later.5 Worst Katrina-Related Headlines| 1. | Everything Possible Done by President (Fox News) | | 2. | Tabasco Shortage Reaches Drastic Proportions | | 3. | Cancun Prepares for Huge Rise in Mardi Gras Reservations | | 4. | Bubba Gump Still Missing in Disaster | | 5. | Saints Season Ticket Holders Hit Hardest by Tragedy | |
|   God: "Eh-Oh, Falwell!" BY orson welch 6/18/2007 Good day and good-bye, at least according to the rumors around here at the commune rubble. It matters not to me that we may not publish again, since I’m focusing my time and energy on a very lucrative weight loss research project starting up next week, and wouldn’t have time to continue reviewing movies anyway. And since my dwarf mage Welchy reached level 10 last week on World of Warcraft, I haven’t had much time to review new movies either. So I thought I would say sayonara with a different kind of column, Orson’s favorite movies of all time. What’s that? Movies I like? That’s correct. They are few, but they exist. Let’s see the “they” to which I’m referring.
The Great Muppet Caper
There has never been a wiser move in all of Hollywood than...
Good day and good-bye, at least according to the rumors around here at the commune rubble. It matters not to me that we may not publish again, since I’m focusing my time and energy on a very lucrative weight loss research project starting up next week, and wouldn’t have time to continue reviewing movies anyway. And since my dwarf mage Welchy reached level 10 last week on World of Warcraft, I haven’t had much time to review new movies either. So I thought I would say sayonara with a different kind of column, Orson’s favorite movies of all time. What’s that? Movies I like? That’s correct. They are few, but they exist. Let’s see the “they” to which I’m referring. The Great Muppet CaperThere has never been a wiser move in all of Hollywood than to team up Charles Grodin with felt-headed puppets. Never. I challenge you to find one. Grodin is a daring jewel thief who attempts to manipulate Miss Piggy with a romantic relationship. Yes, you read that right. Simply for the tantalizing daydreams I’ve had about how Charles Grodin would get busy with a pig puppet, if that involves Frank Oz’s hand at all or not, this movie ranks very highly in my list. And like all Muppet movies, the human are not at all curious why these somewhat inarticulate animal puppets are welcomed rather than scorned by society, a great commentary on the generation gap of the 1960s and 1970s, though a bit dark for the taste of most. YojimboAkira Kurosawa’s samurai epic has been remade many times, but too many remakes miss the exceptional subtlety and style of Kurosawa. This movie is not as excellent as it is because it is a tightly-plotted story of a samurai in feudal Japan playing two greedy sides against each other; it’s brilliant because without telling us, Kurosawa has staged the timeless story of a collection of insane Japanese men who have taken up residence in the old west. When Sergio Leone remade this tale as A Fistful of Dollars, he unwittingly sapped all the brilliance out of it by staging it in the old west where it was originally set in Kurosawa’s version. The fact the main character has no name is a subtle testament to the fact everyone is completely out of their minds in this movie and that’s why they think they’re samurai. A searing and subversive indictment of everyone who goes to see a movie and expects the characters to be in full possession of their faculties. Toshiro Mifune was a god among actors with hyperactive attention deficit disorder. THX-1138Before George Lucas decided it was more fun to make money than cutting social commentary films, he made THX-1138, and we’re all the better for it. Contrary to Lucas’ opinion he was making a sharp attack on the drug-abusing rule-following fascism of pre-1960s culture, he was actually making a critical symphony that mocked white America’s subtle hatred of itself. Not only are very few of the actors in the movie black at all, but the lead actor, Robert Duvall, can only escape the dirty world of which he’s part and the dull silver automatons who enforce the law by crossing the longest expanse of pure white ever seen on screen. Fascinating. So only by running toward something even whiter can we at least be safe from our basic whiteness? No wonder people complained so loudly about the low-key racism in the Star Wars prequels. Lucas definitely has issues. Paris on FireThere is no better film alive than Paris on Fire. No, this has nothing to do with Hilton heiresses. Quite simply, Paris on Fire is the most damning fire safety film ever made in the French New Wave vein. The acting is excellent as Marie Chevalier plays “Woman Woken By Fire Alarm,” trying for the entire length of the film to find a way out of her burning house only to find fire behind every door. She tries each door several times, and while some audiences might find these repeated scenes fairly boring, they’re actually morons because it makes a pointed statement about the repetitive nature of trying to avoid burning to death in general. Paris on Fire makes the bold statement that, no matter how any of us might die, we are truly burning to death, slowly but surely, and we should probably enjoy it. Fucking genius. Is that all there is? Possibly. I know it’s not for me, as I have that research thing starting next week. I will miss these little chats we’ve had, but I suppose it’s all for naught, as we’re but burning to death slowly over along period of time. So enjoy.   |
