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BENSON WINS!Former butler upsets incumbent Governor of unnamed state January 5, 2001 |
The East Coast Tony Fuggit/AP Former Butler Benson DuBois
Patient voters in the state have waited since 1986 for the new Governor to be named, when Benson DuBois, former Lt. Governor of the state, ran a "very close race" against the state's incumbent Governor James Gatling, whom he had worked under since fall of 1979. The two were very close friends over the years, which made the race very comedic for all, with moments of poignant drama.
"This has been a long, trying time for us all," DuBois said in a press conference in the state capitol yesterday. "Fortunately, before the results were announced, the Governor and I reflect...
t long last the recount is over, and former Lt. Governor Benson DuBois has been named Governor of the state in which he resides, which could not be ascertained at press time. Patient voters in the state have waited since 1986 for the new Governor to be named, when Benson DuBois, former Lt. Governor of the state, ran a "very close race" against the state's incumbent Governor James Gatling, whom he had worked under since fall of 1979. The two were very close friends over the years, which made the race very comedic for all, with moments of poignant drama. "This has been a long, trying time for us all," DuBois said in a press conference in the state capitol yesterday. "Fortunately, before the results were announced, the Governor and I reflected fondly on all the capers we've had since our debut in politics and have pledged to support the winner, who we can now safely say is me. Now if that lunkhead Clayton and the people will agree to do the same, we can move this great state forward into the next millenium." Benson, as he is commonly known, has delighted audiences of political candidacies everywhere with his rags-to-riches tale that is almost too lucky to be believed. Starting off as the Governor's butler in 1979, he is frequently suspected to have played a major role in all aspects of state policy and concerns. Eventually Benson was appointed Lt. Governor, where his role in politics increased even as situations became even wackier. Benson has also given back to the community, teaching his illiterate basketball star nephew how to read and educating the Governor's daughter on the dangers of sneaking out to go to a rock concert. The new Governor-Elect is expected to appoint major state positions in the next few weeks, including Gretchen Krause as the Secretary of Staying the Hell Out of My Face. When pressed for comment, the Governor-Elect would not disclose what state he presides over. the commune News is not part of the Jew-run media but does enjoy several Jew-run bingo games and massage parlors. Lil Duncan is the commune's senior correspondent and a really boring verse of "The Name Game."
 | Gore Petitions Supreme Court: "BULLSHIT!"Gore pleads in vain to have election declared "Bullshit!" December 14, 2000 |
Washington, D.C. Mac Tiggly/AP Vice President Al Gore
"You know it, the American people know it, who are you kidding?" Gore stated in a formal request before the Supreme Court. "I believe the American people have spoken, and though a clear mandate has not been issued, I am willing to accept the appointment of George W. Bush as our next President. I only ask of you--come on!"
The declaration of "Bullshit!," though it would not affect the outcome of the election at all, would reportedly ease the mind of Gore and Gore supporters and Democrats of the nation as a whole.
"You know it's bull...
he presidential election of 2000 now clearly decided in favor of George W. Bush, Vice President Al Gore pleaded in vain for the Supreme Court to declare the election "Bullshit!" "You know it, the American people know it, who are you kidding?" Gore stated in a formal request before the Supreme Court. "I believe the American people have spoken, and though a clear mandate has not been issued, I am willing to accept the appointment of George W. Bush as our next President. I only ask of you--come on!" The declaration of "Bullshit!," though it would not affect the outcome of the election at all, would reportedly ease the mind of Gore and Gore supporters and Democrats of the nation as a whole. "You know it's bullshit," Gore told the Supreme Court. "Now you owe it to your conscience, and to the American people, to make it a matter of public record." Gore, who is the only presidential candidate of the twentieth century to win the popular vote and lose the election in the electoral college, is being called a "sore loser" by Republican party officials and several bumperstickers on worn-down Ford pickups. "This is just another case of a hen staying in the coop long after the rooster done got gone," President-Elect Bush mused, sitting on the porch in a rocking chair in shit-smattered overalls with a large piece of straw in his mouth. Bush mopped his forehead with a greasy bandana and added, "Show's over, fella. Time to pack up and let me be president. There's always another 'lection in six years." Without a clear majority of the voting population behind him, the W. Bush presidency already stands on shakey ground. A declaration of "bullshit!" would put an even darker cloud over the incoming hillbilly. "It is not the nature, nor the duty of the Supreme Court to call bullshit bullshit," stated Chief Justice William Rhenquist, believed to be responsible for major bullshit himself. "It is an issue for the American people. We amongst the Court can not even agree ourselves, who are we to declare? O'Connor says it's horseshit; Breyer claims it's made him apeshit." Rhenquist then excused himself to the Supreme Court chambers, where Clarence Thomas was being forced to dance for nickels. The Supreme Court is expected to hand down an official ruling within the next week, although the decision is already being described as "fucked up." Red Bagel is the commune's fearless news editor and unabashed window shopper. Ramon Nootles is not fucking around with you, got it?
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 January 16, 2001 No Dog Will Run My Lifethe commune's Rok Finger knows you're silently envying his flag collection Uproar has swept over me, good people. You want to know why? You want to know WHY? I can't hear you! That's better.
This morning, my good wife of thirty years, Arvelyn, suggested maybe it's time we possibly consider getting a dog if that's okay with me. Why, I was truncheoned! How dare she bring a new family member into our little fold without consulting me!
Sure, we've had discussions like this before: parakeets, goldfish, rats that don't live in the walls. There was one time Arvelyn was pretty adamant about getting a cock, and I never thought I'd wear her down. But eventually logic prevailed and with the price of a chicken coop and feed continually skyrocketing, she realized it was just a fantasy.
And now this dog thing rears its ugly cold-nos...
º Last Column: People Think I'm Johnny Carson
º more columns
Uproar has swept over me, good people. You want to know why? You want to know WHY? I can't hear you! That's better. This morning, my good wife of thirty years, Arvelyn, suggested maybe it's time we possibly consider getting a dog if that's okay with me. Why, I was truncheoned! How dare she bring a new family member into our little fold without consulting me! Sure, we've had discussions like this before: parakeets, goldfish, rats that don't live in the walls. There was one time Arvelyn was pretty adamant about getting a cock, and I never thought I'd wear her down. But eventually logic prevailed and with the price of a chicken coop and feed continually skyrocketing, she realized it was just a fantasy. And now this dog thing rears its ugly cold-nosed head. From the sheer force of her words—"I think I'd like a dog, Rokwell,"—I don't think she'll be swayed. It may even be pointless trying. But even if we end up getting the dog, I don't like the way she's carried out this campaign of propaganda and brute force. In the past we've sat down at the family table for these sort of discussions—I in my great big chair, Arvelyn in her slightly smaller chair, Makeshift, our cat, in his tiny chair that's just right. And we've talked about this like adults, at least Arvelyn and I have, Makeshift sometimes just licks his butt in quiet dissention. But these rough and tumble guerrilla tactics don't sit very well on the head of Rokwell T. Finger. I dread the thought of it now: playing fetch, drinking out of the toilet, dropping feces left and right—all of that will have to stop once I assume the responsibility of dog ownership. Not to mention the miniature birthday parties with the dog wearing a tiny tux and I have to eat whatever kind of cake he chooses, even if it's chocolate swirl or marble—I will not have it, good people. Again—I. Will. Not. Have. It. I think in the meantime I will put an ad in the paper, to stall Arvelyn's dog search. She will be convinced I'm all for it, but the ad will have such high expectations that no dog could possibly live up to it. A sample would read: "WANTED: Empowered, professional-minded canine with own dish. Must be able to fetch, cartwheel, drive large-engine truck, shake, converse at length on the works of Victor Hugo, proficient in MS Word, Excel, Lotus, Quark X-Press. Starting salary of belly-scratchin' and Kibbles 'N' Bits 'N' Bits 'N' Bits. Must read ad and respond in person. No Schitzus." Ha! I'd like to see the dog who could fit that bill. And if one does give us a call… God help us all. º Last Column: People Think I'm Johnny Carsonº more columns | 
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Milestones1979: A young Omar Bricks writes the first incarnation of what will eventually become his "My Friend Polio" column, originally titled "Why I Peed in the Water Fountain."Now HiringWeb Site Designer. Must have little to no professional experience, critical eye, delusions of grandeur, and think every current website sucks big ass compared to own Helmet fan page with FAQ. Starting pay of $90k to $250k, based on sheer swagger. Position will replace current asshole Neal, who should be finding out about this… just about… now. Best Selling Albums| 1. | Come On
Britney Spears | | 2. | I Keep Returning Like Freddy Krueger
Madonna | | 3. | Passable Generic Metal
Creed | | 4. | Farting to Critical Raves
Radiohead | | 5. | Fossils
Aerosmith | |
|   Shooting Turns Comic When Bumbling Teens Shoot Each Other in Hilarious Double-Homicide Hi-Jinks BY roland mcshyster 1/1/2001 Good to see you, America! How have you been? Come to think of it, where have you been? If I had to judge by my recent trips to see such blockbusters as Lost Souls and Battlefield: Earth, I'd think moviegoers had gone on strike or something! Let's see a little hussle out there, folks! They can't keep bringing us the magic if we're just going to sit at home watching "Sex in the Cindy" or MASH, now can they?
In Theaters Now:
Almost Fabulous
The hit British TV show hits the big screen with this story of an aspiring young SNL writer who follows Chris Farley on a cross-country expedition. Along the way he learns the true meaning of love, and also how to fall down a lot. Meanwhile, his mom a...
Good to see you, America! How have you been? Come to think of it, where have you been? If I had to judge by my recent trips to see such blockbusters as Lost Souls and Battlefield: Earth, I'd think moviegoers had gone on strike or something! Let's see a little hussle out there, folks! They can't keep bringing us the magic if we're just going to sit at home watching "Sex in the Cindy" or MASH, now can they?
In Theaters Now:
Almost Fabulous
The hit British TV show hits the big screen with this story of an aspiring young SNL writer who follows Chris Farley on a cross-country expedition. Along the way he learns the true meaning of love, and also how to fall down a lot. Meanwhile, his mom and her best friend do a lot of coke and go skiing. Trust me, it's funny in an "English" kind of way.
Beboozled
Spike Lee finally goes the Eddie Murphy route and and becomes a white man (with some help from special effects magician Jim Bakker) who says some funny things in Spanish. Martin Lawrence is a stitch as the sexy she-devil who tricks Lee into trading his soul for the key to Bill Cosby's vault of "Our Gang" episodes. This is a probing social critique about how hard it is to be a black person wearing a rubber white person suit in America today.
The Legend of Bagger Vance
Tom Cruise and Adam Curry star in this inspiring tale of the grocery store bagger who rose above his humble aisle-mopping beginnings to dethrone his nemesis as the quickest bread-loaf masher in three counties. The rumor mill has it that Cruise really became a meth fiend to add authenticity to Vance's pre-shift crank sessions in the front seat of his Camaro.
Requiem for a Dreamcast
Toy Story and The Brave Little Toaster meet in this kid pleaser about a young boy's obsolete video game systems coping with the threat of a new Playstation 2 in their bedroom. When the chips are down, these clunkers prove that what they lack in vector units and rastar conversion they more than make up for in heart, gumption, semi-functional light guns and somewhat dangerous cords that were chewed by the dog. By the end, little Billy comes to realize that newer isn't always better, and that old Genesis is still good for propping open the back door when his dog doesn't come home one night.
The Watcher
This harrowing tale of weight loss mixes Atom Egoyan's confrontational style with Mike Meyers' taste for the macabre. The result is as gripping as it is placid. A must-see for anyone who's ever made their weight-loss shake with Chunky Monkey and a Skor bar, this pot-boiler's got it's Oscar shoes on!
Now on Video:
Committed
Can Heather Graham (with chest midgets in tow) keep this bickering Irish pub band together and pull them back from the brink of disintigration on the eve of their greatest success? Nope.
Drowning Boner
Looking to escape the pressures of superstardom, former "Growing Pains" star Andrew Koenig moves to the small town of Small Hampton, New Hampshire and starts a lawn care service called "Stabone's Stones". His welcome wears thin, however, after the locals tire of his continual public outbursts of "Don't you REMEMBER me? I'm Boner!" and eventually one of them does him in via a suspicious turnstile "accident". Always compelling, whether he's playing the imposing Godfather in "The Godfather" or the mob's psychotic muscle midget in "Goodfellas", Danny DeVito is gripping as the local sheriff grasping at straws to unravel this mystery.
Reindeer Games
Aiming to be the Grinch Who Stole Christmas Box-Office from the upcoming James Cagney vehicle "The Grinch", this Christmastime treat features red-hot comedian Howie Mandel (and a team of Silicon Valley effects technicians) as everyone's favorite red-nosed reindeer, Rudy! This time though, Rudy's story has a 90's twist, and some cursing! Will this effort continue Mandel's can't-miss streak even further? In a word: Maybe. Co-starring Charlize Theron as Ashley Judd.
Snow Day
Don't call it a comeback, because this Canadian reggae-rapping teen sensation has been here for years. Now Snow's ready to inform us in his big-screen debut, and your mother has most definitely been given word. When aliens from deep space invade earth and smoke the president in a giant doobie, it's up to our hero to confound them with his indecypherable rhymes and crush them under truck-loads of bargain-bin copies of his debut CD, "12 Inches of Snow". Not since Brian Bosworth has a newcomer lit up the screen quite like this.
Terms of Engagement
Never before has a film been a more perfect hybrid of two winning formulas than this meld of Father of the Bride and Terms of Endearment. Steve Allen reprises his role here hilariously as the nervous father presiding over his gay son's first wedding. Tommy Anderson-Lee and Samuel Taylor Coleridge upstage the screen as the interracial gay couple who just can't seem to decide on a china pattern, with touching results.
Join us again next month when we take a look at the cultural wonders awaiting us behind the iron curtain, with Russian classics such as ÐøÞ¿ and ߶ðœ©! Keep an eye open for more exciting foreign releases like "Rugrats in Paris" and "Little Nicky", too! Bon Voyage, Amigos!   |
