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|  Volume 19  June 24, 2002 Dear commune:I heard rumors that the Pledge of Allegiance was being reconsidered in the wake of Sept. 11th. That some people had plans to make it mandatory to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day in school and optional at many jobs. And I heard that the new Pledge was going to include the phrase, "or may I burn like a tick on Hitler's ass in hell." I'm not sure I like that, mentioning Hitler in the Pledge, I mean. The other stuff I'm benign about. Danny Hatrack Pounce, New Hampshire Dear Danny: It turns out the stuff you've heard about the Pledge being rewritten is a popular myth circulating in the wake of all this War on Terror patriotism. Some of it stems from confusion about the rewriting of the Constitution to remove Fourth Amendment rights for all non-wealthy Americans. But that's been going on for years. We should also note, interestingly enough, the Pledge of Allegiance was actually rewritten long ago into the modern incarnation we know today. Straight from the desk of Red Bagel comes the original interpretation: "I and my drinking buddies pledge allegiance to the flag, that one right there, what a grand ol' flag it is, with the stripes and all. Check out the stars, 13 o' those in all, each one for the colonies. Betcha don't see that kind of accuracy on flags of other countries. That's the kind of country we are, damn straight. We pledge allegiance to that flag as long as it's there—and to the Republic, always forget that part, the country for which it stands, one big nation we used to think was India, and the unexplored parts we haven't been to yet, who knows, this bitch could go on forever, and to God Himself, may he protect us from the monsters that may dwell in them unknown parts, be they invisible, for the liberty of those who have it and the quiet assent of those who don't. Now drink up!" Several words were changed, according to Bagel, but the intent is still the same. the commune Editor's Note: the commune is not responsible, nor crunchy, we're creamy as all get out and you'll just have to accept it. Milestones1853: The snorkel is invented, leading indirectly to the conception of commune reporter Lil Duncan several years later. STD specialists from the CDC would eventually send a robot back in time in an attempt to prevent this chain of events from occurring, but tragically this move caused the Short Circuit franchise of films in the 1980's instead.Now HiringMidwife Crisis. Not entirely sure what this is, but the guys thought it would be funny. So… Hmm. Uh… well, if you have experience delivering babies in a dramatic and dangerous fashion, then I suppose you should dust off your résumé. No freaks please.Top 5 Concessions to Iran for Freeing British Prisoners
 Volume 18 Dear Reebok: Do you have to make your shoes so bouncy all the time? I bought my son a pair of your shoes and it wasn't ten minutes after he put them on that he bounced right out the window. If it weren't for the safety nets I had recently installed... (5/27/02) Volume 17 Dear commune: Congratulations! You have been selected from the population of high school students for inclusion in this year's Who's Who of American High School Students. Not just anyone walks away with this prize. The esteemed selection... (4/29/02) Volume 16 Dear commune: Quick! I'm playing poker and I can't believe the winning streak I'm on. What beats a flush? Joel Harmonica Marshall, GA Dear Joel: If you're talking about Flush, the refreshing carbonated drink with the real taste of... (4/1/02)            |
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