Volume 36

February 17, 2003

Dear commune:

Dude sends you a piece of paper over the phone line, and it's not mail anymore. But then dude sends you a dirty joke that never existed on paper or in the real world, just some doodles on your screen, and suddenly it's mail again? Bullshit.

Smack Randolph,
Peachfuzz, UT

Dear Smack:

Though the commune would love nothing more than to respond to your thrilling question, Smack, office chunkhead Bludney Pludd just discovered that you can just shake Bac-Os straight into your mouth, you don't need a salad or nuthin', and we need to get in on that action before those delicious little bacon-like space flakes are gone. the commune is sure you understand.

Editor's Note: the commune does not apologize for the existence of bees, because the last time we did that we had zillions of those little assholes flying around in front of our office protesting, and we don't have the money in our budget this year to rent another industrial bee vacuum.

Quote of the Day

“Learning without thought is labor lost; except in public schools, where it keeps most teachers employed.”

-Confused-ass Carmen

Fortune 500 Cookie

You'll have a brush with death this week, and that fucker has some of the yellowest teeth you've ever seen, so make sure you go first. This time the lyrics to the song you're pretending to know the words to actually are "Watermelon, Watermelon, Watermelon." You'll make the most expensive movie ever made in your kitchen this week, for ten dollars. Lucky strikes, camels, kools, and bel-airs.

Try again later.

Top Other Inventions by the Crash Test Dummy Creator

1.	Self-ejecting canned corn
2.	5-string bass
3.	Hot HandsÂ®, the cheapest, safest, easiest way to light your hands on fire
4.	Crash Test Dummy Secret Base Playset (Figures sold separately)
5.	Freshomatic, battery-powered freshness-testing meter

Volume 35
Hey commune: Grady Volsang here again, for the first time. Pissed off? Yeah, that's right. You must've got a warning call from my wife. Seems like you can't piss out a window in this town without cheesing off some bleeding-heart liberal, that's... (2/3/03)

Volume 34
Dear commune: The commune's support of Bush's war on Iraq is absurd, unconscionable, indefensible, illogical, unforgivable, indigestible, uncharacteristic, reprehensible, unpardonable, unfathomable, incestual, reversible, unilateral, pink-assed... (1/20/03)

Volume 33
Dear commune: What the hell is Damon Wayans doing on Delta's in-flight video? Did he bitch-slap the president and get some kind of harsh community service sentence or something? Damn. Peace. Rodney Shue Belmont, LA Dear Rodney: ... (1/6/03)