Volume 36

February 17, 2003

Dear commune:

Dude sends you a piece of paper over the phone line, and it's not mail anymore. But then dude sends you a dirty joke that never existed on paper or in the real world, just some doodles on your screen, and suddenly it's mail again? Bullshit.

Smack Randolph,
Peachfuzz, UT

Dear Smack:

Though the commune would love nothing more than to respond to your thrilling question, Smack, office chunkhead Bludney Pludd just discovered that you can just shake Bac-Os straight into your mouth, you don't need a salad or nuthin', and we need to get in on that action before those delicious little bacon-like space flakes are gone. the commune is sure you understand.

Editor's Note: the commune does not apologize for the existence of bees, because the last time we did that we had zillions of those little assholes flying around in front of our office protesting, and we don't have the money in our budget this year to rent another industrial bee vacuum.

Quote of the Day

“A little bad taste is like a dash of paprika. A lot of bad taste, like a grinder full of cayenne pepper. And doing that annoying Cajun guy impression while doing anythingâ€”well, that's just beyond bad taste.”

-Dirty Parkbench

Fortune 500 Cookie

In the annals of history, there has always been one man who laughs uncontrollably whenever someone says "annals"â€”that's your legacy. Turn up the heat this week, 'cause that fucking turkey has been in the oven since Saturday. If you can't beat them, join them, and show them what real losers they are for accepting you into the group. Lucky bastards this week are Tom Monroe, Pete Gelbart, Judy Simon, and that son you're pretty sure is living in Winnipeg now.

Try again later.

Unlikeliest Candidates for New Pope

1.	Joe Piscopo (Hereby known as Joe Piscopope)
2.	Winner of three-man guitar contest between Steve Vai, Yngwie Malmsteen, and Joe Satriani
3.	Real Pope, once impostor is out of the way
4.	Pope's son Iggy Pope
5.	Jimmy Cutler, winner of 2002 American Pope reality show contest, waiting all this time for his big chance

Volume 35
Hey commune: Grady Volsang here again, for the first time. Pissed off? Yeah, that's right. You must've got a warning call from my wife. Seems like you can't piss out a window in this town without cheesing off some bleeding-heart liberal, that's... (2/3/03)

Volume 34
Dear commune: The commune's support of Bush's war on Iraq is absurd, unconscionable, indefensible, illogical, unforgivable, indigestible, uncharacteristic, reprehensible, unpardonable, unfathomable, incestual, reversible, unilateral, pink-assed... (1/20/03)

Volume 33
Dear commune: What the hell is Damon Wayans doing on Delta's in-flight video? Did he bitch-slap the president and get some kind of harsh community service sentence or something? Damn. Peace. Rodney Shue Belmont, LA Dear Rodney: ... (1/6/03)