Volume 43

Dear commune:

As the old parable goes, "God made dirt and dirt don’t hurt." If truer words were ever spoken, I don’t know them. They probably weren’t spoken to me.

What I’m getting at is, my girlfriend is an atheist. As you can imagine, if she doesn’t believe in God she has absolutely no confidence in the harmless practice of eating dirt, it could be arsenic or anything. Being an atheist must make the world a very scary, lawless sort of place.

So what do you say? Any tips on how I can get the woman to let me keep eating dirt?

Sincerely,

Kivin Treedink
Ludlow, MT


Dear Ronald:

We are shocked into silence and delighted by your letter, each of us for various reasons. Some latched onto the thoughtful questions on the nature of the universe and the existence of God. Others were intrigued by your use of pizza sauce to dot the i’s and lowercase j’s. It was pizza sauce, wasn’t it? We have a pool going now.

Overall, most of us were heartened by your questions because if a knob of galactic proportions such as yourself can find a girlfriend, there is still hope for those of us still single. Pass on to her our suggestion that, no matter what her shortcomings, she can clearly do much, much better. Keep reading the commune!


the commune

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Editor’s Note: the commune is not responsible for the publication of letters than offend you or us. Letters are picked randomly by a rat who comes out of the wall and eats bag upon bag of reader mail—whatever’s left is what we run. Blame the rats, as the saying goes.

Volume 42
Dear commune: Well, she’s all you’d ever want, she’s the kind I’d like to flaunt and take to dinner. She always knows her place, she’s got style, she’s got grace, she’s a winner. She’s a lady. Talking about Ivana Folger-Balzac here.... (5/12/03)

Volume 41
Dear commune: You ever get the feeling that someone’s constantly watching you, monitoring your every move, censoring your every word? Like a cold, oppressive hand is closing around your windpipe as you speak? Like every freedom you’ve taken for... (4/28/03)

Volume 40
Dear commune: Thanks for standing up for me back at the bar, dickcheese. I thought we were friends. Sincerely, Randy Moate Riverview, KS Dear Randy: Though we appreciate your mail, we must stress the fact that the commune is a news... (4/14/03)