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 Useless animals clogging up earth, stealing resources from man November 24, 2003 |
Geneva, Switzerland Alton Onus An anonymous nature freak makes a big fuss over one of the last remaining Sumatran drooling rhinos in existence
All are among 13,279 varieties critically endangered and possibly-imaginary animal, plant and water life precious to bleeding-heart liberals the world over. Many are new to this year's edition of the group's list, a yearly "wake-up call to the world" that unless serious changes are made to environmental ...
he Bornean junk monkey, Stevensons' slug, Malaysian sitting bird and the world's largest species of blind sea trout are in grave danger of extinction, the World Conservation Union warned an assemblage of world leaders on Tuesday to the sound of one tiny violin playing sarcastically. Also among the newly-threatened species nobody has ever heard of are the shovelnosed arctic frog, the smoke weasel, the Andean left-handed dolphin and the three-toed nervous elephant of lower Peru.
All are among 13,279 varieties critically endangered and possibly-imaginary animal, plant and water life precious to bleeding-heart liberals the world over. Many are new to this year's edition of the group's list, a yearly "wake-up call to the world" that unless serious changes are made to environmental policy, the earth's biodiversity might one day shrink to comprehensible levels.
This year's list, like all that came before it, has drawn a collective boo-hoo from the planet's human inhabitants.
"Excuse me, but what has the Columbian rice shrew ever done for me or my family?" questioned an indignant Don Cloyd from Williamsburg, Virginia. "My uncle lost a logging job because of some stupid owl that didn't want to live at a box at the zoo or something, so sorry if that ruined it for all the other creatures out there, but I still say animals that don't taste good can kiss my ass."
Various world leaders questioned about the organization's list issued similar mock-sincere statements, vowing to halt all future economic progress in order to make the world safe for such hilariously improbable creatures as the Chilean trouser trout and the loud Spanish jackass.
Over 762 animals have gone extinct worldwide since various governments and the NRA began keeping records in the 1600's. Among the beautiful creatures the earth will never again know are the Tittleosen snot sloth, the North American windshield sparrow and the sickly cave bear of Nepal.
Perhaps the most stirring symbol for lost species is the majestic dodo, a once-useless bird that wobbled off into the history books in the early 17th century when Dutch sailors visiting islands in the Indian Ocean discovered the birds, whose strange compulsion to hop into cooking pots and offer themselves up for soups and other entrees led quickly to their extinction.
According to the WCU, thousands more creatures will join these ranks shortly if steps are not taken to slow the destruction of their native habitats in industrialized and developing nations. Saddest of all may be the possible fate of the Scottish brownie hound, once numbering in the thousands but now thought to be down to the last one and a half specimens in existence. Even that shocking number is sinking fast as scientists are unsure of how long you can keep half a dog alive in a cooler full of ice.
In delivering the study to world leaders, WCU Director General Achim Steiner also pointed out the success of recent efforts to save formerly endangered species such as Arabian oryx and the white rhino, news which inspired several unimpressed heads of state to mouth the word "super" while mimicking the jerk-off motion with their hands. the commune news is personally responsible for eradicating three species of roadside badgers, but if nature didn't see fit to outfit them with reflective pelts we don't see fit to mourn their fender-denting passing. Ted Ted is officially considered an endangered species whenever he wanders into a lesbian bar, a dangerous clash of habitats conservation experts are working hard around the clock to prevent.
 | Jackson Alleges Reverse RacismPop star claims the D.A. wants to convict a white man November 24, 2003 |
Santa Barbara, CA SANTA BARBARA COUNTY CORRECTIONS Though Michael Jackson’s image wouldn’t take on the mug shot film, Diana Ross kindly agreed to step in. Jackson, who was once a perfectly normal black superstar, was arrested Thursday on charges of multiple counts of something-something with a minor, or in short-hand, child molesting. The pop star faced similar accusations in 1993, shortly after turning white, but criminal charges were never filed when the father of the child in question was bought off by Jackson with a big fat check, praise whitey. Attorney for Jackson Mark Geragos, also representing white wife-killer Scott Peterson, released a statement to the press for the umpteenth time this week, Satu...
estselling musician and deposed King of Pop Michael Jackson returned accusations against the Santa Barbara county D.A. Saturday, making charges of “reverse racism” to reporters through a released memo on extra-white stationary. Jackson, who was once a perfectly normal black superstar, was arrested Thursday on charges of multiple counts of something-something with a minor, or in short-hand, child molesting. The pop star faced similar accusations in 1993, shortly after turning white, but criminal charges were never filed when the father of the child in question was bought off by Jackson with a big fat check, praise whitey. Attorney for Jackson Mark Geragos, also representing white wife-killer Scott Peterson, released a statement to the press for the umpteenth time this week, Saturday’s stating in no uncertain terms the criminal investigation was based on the fact Jackson is white. “It’s no coincidence I’m a white man who is very successful and just happen to be accused of these horrible crimes,” the statement read. “If I were a non-white child molester everyone in the California legal system would be so intimidated by cries of racism I would never even be brought in for questioning. I know how the game is played, being a California white man for more than thirteen years now.” It’s the latest call of injustice for Jackson, who earlier this week claimed the arrest warrant was uncoincidentally announced on the same day his new rehash of hits reached store shelves; shortly after, Jackson declared the district attorney’s office was holding a grudge against the entertainer simply because he was accused of molestation ten years ago and never went to trial. The district attorney, who is actually named Snedden, a big freckled white guy with no hair and a mustache, dismissed the charges. He rebuffed the accusations at his continuing 72-hour press conference party. “Mr. Jackson’s skin color, whatever it is this week, has no place in our investigation. The only requirements for charges of child molestation are—well, let me check the list,” said Sneddon, sarcastically studying an imaginary clipboard, “Oh, right—sex acts with kids. Sometimes it slips my mind. But that’s it alright. That’s what he’s accused of doing.” The modern-day fop has created more than one controversy in recent months, including dangling his infant son over a third-story balcony and unproven rumors he ate one of his children. In a British documentary clip shown excessively in the past five days, Jackson also said he likes to share his bed with children in a non-sexual way and even if he does have sex with them it doesn’t mean he likes it. Jackson also mentioned masturbating to the sight of his chimpanzee dressed up like himself, but it might have been something this reporter just made up. Also on the subject of sexual excitement, prominent members of the media said they would be following the case with interest. “Hot damn, Christmas came early this year!” exclaimed one of hundreds of white national television newspeople, not to be confused with the two non-white media representatives, Ed Bradley from 60 Minutes and Al Roker.
the commune news thinks it only fair to remind you Jackson himself announced he was bad and dangerous, on previous album titles, and you hipsters thought he was just talking slang. Shabozz Wertham is a reporter of color, and that color is often fuming red when he sees his stories relegated to low slots on the roster.
| New Pete Rose book admits to doing what we already knew he did Economy on the way to recovery, absolute for real no joking this time Mars rover a bad dog—very bad dog Bush hopes other countries follow Libya's example, live in abject poverty |
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 August 23, 2004 Please Sing Secret Boris SongHello, commune reader who is safe because of superhero Potato-Boris! You are welcome. How is thing? Ah, yes yes. So funny is answer.
Thing is honky-donkey in Boris life, all is so good since becoming secret superhero man. All persons does respect Boris now, except for ones who does not know Boris is secret superhero, which is most persons. But dogs does know. Boris can tell from their dog looks.
Part of problem of being new superhero man is thing called advertising. Persons doesn't not know they are being safe around Boris, they think is need for police or Chuck Norris for help. Is so funny, how stupid are persons.
So Boris does need way to let normal persons to know is not to worry, there is secret man to help them with special dirty powers. Boris do...
º Last Column: Okay, is Time for Fighting Crime
º more columns
Hello, commune reader who is safe because of superhero Potato-Boris! You are welcome. How is thing? Ah, yes yes. So funny is answer.
Thing is honky-donkey in Boris life, all is so good since becoming secret superhero man. All persons does respect Boris now, except for ones who does not know Boris is secret superhero, which is most persons. But dogs does know. Boris can tell from their dog looks.
Part of problem of being new superhero man is thing called advertising. Persons doesn't not know they are being safe around Boris, they think is need for police or Chuck Norris for help. Is so funny, how stupid are persons.
So Boris does need way to let normal persons to know is not to worry, there is secret man to help them with special dirty powers. Boris does think of ways to do this thing, but most is hard because Boris does not have billboard or dancing commercial on television like Coca Colas does has. And Boris cannot find enough quarter things to call all persons on pay phone for them to know. Some persons, like Sears, has free numbers to call, but them already know about Potato-Boris thing.
Then comes great idea! Boris does not know where from, maybe is from moon or Florida place. Potato-Boris does need theme song! Like Spiderguy thing does have. This is so good because is free to do but then does get stuck in all person's head and is spreading like wildfire that does burn down so many brains. So Boris does write song this thing on back of lunch bag:
Potato-Boris, Potato-Boris
Nobody know who superhero is
Is not fancy, is just Boris
This is secret of Potato-Boris
Potato-Boris, Potato-Boris
Fighting crime when he has time
Don't tell persons, is just Boris
This is secret of Potato-Boris
Boris does sing this song when walking around town, to give free advertising thing for Potato-Boris. Is smart, this thing.
Next step is for Boris to find crime for stopping. This part can be hard like rocks under cardboard sidewalk mattress. Boris has to think of place to hang out like secret and wait for crime to try to happen so Potato-Boris can stop this thing.
First Boris does think McDonald is good place for this, but after while of waiting Boris does remember why McDonald thing comes into brain: this is place with little apple pie pockets that Boris does like. Bad place for crimes, but good to get pie on crime break.
Next Boris tries to stop crime on escalator, the funny climbing stair thing. But is so hard to wait on escalator, Boris has to keep walking down to keep from going up and persons are so mad that Boris is in road all the times.
Finally Boris does remember thing that is 911, which is day when shit fan was hit and also special telephone number Boris is never to call to get pizza. But this is day when bad pilots crash planes because of forgetting to learn to fly, and now airport is so good at making sure persons is real pilot and not just joker in pilot hat.
This is important thing for keeping persons safe, so is sound like job for Potato-Boris! Bad pilot is not match for Potato-Boris powers of disgust.
So now Boris must find way to airport. Secret trick for this is looking in air for airport. Wish Boris "walking around looking in sky" luck, but do not tell persons of this wish. Is secret! Goodbye. º Last Column: Okay, is Time for Fighting Crimeº more columns | 
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Milestones2002: Poet Violet Tiara turns 16 and is a little disappointed by her gift of a Saturn when she had been hoping for a hammock of moonbeams or a tumor full of love.Now HiringDirector of Office Security. Traditional ideas of increasing manpower and investigating odd events not necessary. Must be able to design colorful charts and randomly pick levels of security intensity.
Least Effective SARS Protective Efforts| 1. | Stop breathing | | 2. | Fire handgun blindly at coughs | | 3. | Smoking deceased SARS victims | | 4. | Wave hand, say "Don't go in Toronto! Whew!" | | 5. | Drinking imported Hong Kong bathwater | |
|   Tom Cruise's Shit Don't Stink BY roland mcshyster 7/12/2004 Well spank it, America, we're back for another week of Entertainment Police and all that that implies. Hope you've been doing as well in your sad little life as Roland McShyster has been in his. We've got three new movies to review this week, which is a good thing since I wasn't looking forward to having to go back into the archives and review Castroblanca yet again. Let's take a look at what mother bird is stuffing down our throats this week, shall we?
In Theaters Now:
Fahrvergnugen 9/11
Singing/acting cyborg sensation Mandy Moore has teenybopped her way into a new genre with her first documentary this month, a hard-hitting look at the Bush family's ties to the Volkswagen corporation and German extremists mo...
Well spank it, America, we're back for another week of Entertainment Police and all that that implies. Hope you've been doing as well in your sad little life as Roland McShyster has been in his. We've got three new movies to review this week, which is a good thing since I wasn't looking forward to having to go back into the archives and review Castroblanca yet again. Let's take a look at what mother bird is stuffing down our throats this week, shall we?
In Theaters Now:
Fahrvergnugen 9/11
Singing/acting cyborg sensation Mandy Moore has teenybopped her way into a new genre with her first documentary this month, a hard-hitting look at the Bush family's ties to the Volkswagen corporation and German extremists more interested in making a profit than dancing around in those funny little shortpants for our entertainment. Though I personally give about a shit and a half about how some overrated British hair/grunge band spends their money, apparently the Seattle sound is a hot-button issue for the upcoming election and everybody's getting their flannel in a twist about this film. The good news is that Moore proves as adept a documentary filmmaker as she has a singer, actress, veterinarian, corporate CEO, cooking show host and Olympic gymnast since hatching from that cryogenics lab a short time ago. The bad news? There's plenty of Bush, but no tits.
I, Gobot
Hollywood finally gets it right by making a lame knock-off movie about the lamest knock-off toy ever, the Gobots. And who better to star than the king of lame knock-off songs and movies, Will Smith? I don't know, really. There might be somebody especially lame out there I'm not thinking of, but I think Will Smith was a pretty spot-on choice. He's got a look that just screams "lame-o," which saves a lot of time in explaining to the audience what the movie's about and if it's going to suck or not. He was probably worth his paycheck for the lame pedigree he brings to the film alone, a credible lameocity that another actor would have had to work hard to establish, before the audience got to thinking that the move might be kind of okay. As for the film itself, it's kind of okay in the sense that we're not likely to go to war with any Middle Eastern countries over it, but that's the best thing I can say about it. The special effects aren't all that special, though I guess hiring a guy just for "effects" is some kind of insulting no-no in the movie biz these days. They CGI the Gobots transformations pretty well, but since they stayed true to the source material you're stuck with the unintentional comedy of the Gobot leader transforming into a coffee machine when the action starts, and when his love-interest Gobot changes into a pogo stick it's pretty hard to take the movie seriously. Will Smith does a pretty good job of turning into Eddie Murphy about half way into the movie, though as with the Gobots you're more or less just left wishing you'd spent the last two hours watching the real thing.
King Arthur
I read somewhere that perseverance is a virtue, and if that's true you have to tip your cap to the brains behind the Arthur series of movies, who didn't let a minor hiccup like the death of the franchise's star keep them from dealing out the sequels like a mimeograph machine. This time it's presumably far-from-death teen sweat machine Freddie Prinz Jr. in the title role, and the producers have set the series' third film somewhat anachronistically in the middle ages so they could throw in a bunch of Lord of the Rings shit and cast that hot pirate girl without confusing audiences who don't understand that movies aren't real. The end result is a lot like eating a whole bag of Milk Duds by yourself, though not for the obvious reasons.
Well America, it's come to an end yet again. Like many of you, I was starting to hope this column would go on forever. And it will, in a way, since we'll be back again in a few weeks and really everything on the Internet sort of lasts forever anyway, but that sort of makes your brain hurt to think about it so forget I said anything.   |
