ollowing the victory of Wednesday's arrest of Iraqi official and "eight of spades" Tariq Aziz, U.S. troops in Baghdad had another, less impressive surrender on Friday. The Iraqi government official was Abdul "Pinches" Parzi, the notorious "deuce of diamonds."

Parzi, a low-level micro-manager for the Hussein government, was well-known among U.S. officials as a fiercely-loyal Hussein supporter, and among Iraqi insiders as the country's biggest spazz. Though he commanded fear from those troops under him, and served the regime well, those in the know identified Parzi as a supreme dink excluded from Hussein social functions whenever possible and routinely shunned by upper echelon Iraqi officials.

Those knowledgeable of the Hussein regime credit Parzi with development of strong propaganda campaigns and re-organization of key Iraq military units. They also recognize that Parzi, socially, is a king-sized prick unsuitable for hanging out with on any pretense. Chiefly among these reasons are his inability to understand most jokes, his heavy and grating style of breathing, and his poor handling of alcohol.

Not only did his poor habits make him unpopular with his fellow Hussein loyalists, Parzi, nick-named "Pinches" for the irritating habit of sneaking up on friends and squeezing their love handles, also became a problem for the U.S. government early into Operation: Something-Something Iraq. Shortly before the invasion began, Parzi contacted U.S. officials to discuss the possibility of his surrender, exchanging insider information for amnesty, but U.S. officials were reluctant to accept his surrender at the time, worried it would make the prospect of surrender infinitely uncool to all other Iraqis.

When creating the deck of cards to identify and rank Iraqi government figures, military insiders were faced with the challenge of filling out a 52-card deck with a bunch of Iraq guys they barely knew. Everyone was hesitant to include Parzi at all, but when they began scraping the bottom of the barrel, Parzi was elected for the inauspicious final spot, unfavorably known amongst U.S. soldiers as the "douche of diamonds." A name that has apparently traveled fast and stuck even better than "Pinches."

Discussing the arrest of Parzi, who was apprehended alone and stripped to his underwear and a T-shirt, U.S. military spokespeople would only say that Parzi had been traveling toward Syria with a caravan of displaced Iraqi military officials when he was forced to flee into the desert upon eating more than his share of rations. Parzi made a brief statement as he was arrested by troops, but no one bothered to write it down.

In an afternoon news conference, the Bush administration was optimistic in regards to the recent arrests.

"Tariq Azis was a high-ranking member of the Baath party, and his capture is a victory for the ongoing campaign against remaining Iraqi regime members," said White House spokesperson Ari Fleischer.

Asked about the arrest of Abdul "Pinches" Parzi, Fleischer, nodded gruffly and replied, "Yeah. Yeah, I guess we got him, too. Any other questions?"

ragedy struck a beautiful Miami beach Saturday when a top-lifting riot ended in the death of three and the wounding of at least nineteen. Police had yet to piece together the incident based on witness accounts, but it is believed the girls were incited to riot by college-age males and a video camera crew.

Initial charges of improper conduct and endangering public safety have been brought against Joe Francis, producer of the Girls Gone Wild video series and six of his crewmembers, who were identified by witnesses as being present at the scene and attempting to capture all the hot action on tape.

“We believe Mr. Francis did have an instrumental part in spurring these hot college co-eds to mob violence,� said Miami-Dade Sheriff Gustav Klimpt. “We are examining the tapes repeatedly to determine exactly what happened. Even the hot action back in their hotel rooms. We have no further comment at this time.�

The popular video tape series features real college girls doing things you wouldn’t believe, frequently including nudity and gratuitous girl-on-girl inappropriate touching. Several of the videos also feature extreme violence as girls are persuaded by shouting crowds and thrown beer bottles to lash out at other women for the amusement of onlookers. A common occurrence is two young co-eds pushed into a crowd circle where, fueled by Peppermint Schnopps and other alcoholic beverages, they attack each other with claws and teeth until only one is left standing.

This time, however, the violence escalated until the streets of Spring Break (Whoo) filled with blood.

“It was, like, a total nightmare,â€� described Darrel “D-Trainâ€� Walters, who traveled down from Dartmouth for vacation. “There was this whole line of sorority sisters, and they were takin’ it all off and we were shoutin’ ‘em on, then they started pushing each other—and some were kissin’. Man that was hot—and then the nails came out and I couldn’t see ‘cause there was so much skin and hair and blood.â€�

Others were quick to blame the Kappa-Alphas, but it was apparent once the rioting had begun other girls were ignited into a stripping-killing frenzy.

“The last thing I remember,� said a dude who would only identify himself as “Mike from Georgia, Go Dawgs,� “was Dan and Geronimo sprinkling Rolling Rocks over this one chick to slow her down, then we totally got blindsided by these twins. Dan probably lost an eye and I ain’t even seen Geronimo since. Nobody will tell me nothing. Dude, if you see a fat guy with an ‘Official Titty Inspector’ T-shirt, you gotta tell me. I just need closure.�

Officials believe the report of three dead to be accurate. One is an unidentified college-age male decapitated with a string of beads and the other were two co-eds going wild, who had to be put down. The number of wounded reported continues to rise.

Though this is the largest girls-gone-wild-related catastrophe on American soil, it is not the first. Two years ago a man was killed when a group of hot rioting girls going wild dragged him by the beads off a balcony. The total wounded reached 11, but both incidents fall short of the toll of 22 dead and 46 wounded last year in Cancun.

Like the Bible story, Rok Finger is resurrected from the dead. Stand slack-jawed pointing all you want, good people, but of course, I only mean I'm back using my old-fashioned moniker instead of the new and improved Godfrey Bellmont name I was just getting used to.

Apparently the FBI considers it a "security breach" if you tell anyone about your new identity or being involved in the commune. I swore to them I told no one, only the commune readers, which statistics say are close in percentage to no one, but it wasn't good enough for them. They shanghaied us in the middle of the night, throwing us in laundry bags and tossing us into the back of a van and carting us off to another safe house. Though, actually, Camembert did say he was just asked to accompany them to a new location, so I wonder if that guy was even with the FBI.

But no matter. I didn't even spend too long at the new safe house, or the new identity they established for me afterwards. The FBI allowed me to choose my own new name and apparently there's another "Ben Affleck" out there getting a lot of attention, and oddly, more death threats than I ever got as a witness against the mob. Again, bagged and vanned, only to wind up with another secret identity in a new undisclosed location.

Would you believe the name Ted Kaczynski was already taken? I wouldn't want to be that poor son of a bitch. I got a lot of interesting mail, though, even a bunch of returned packages I didn't get a chance to open, but the FBI declared the new name a security leak and moved me quickly to another house.

I actually began to like my next name, Omar Bricks, but I began to get a lot of angry men showing up on my doorstep complaining about how I defiled their sister, daughter, or lawn maintenance vehicle. I was still determined to bear it out, but I began getting calls from the Daredevil Adventurer's Society complaining their dues were 9 years late, and repeated requests from the Car of the Month Club to pay off my supposed balance. Enough was enough, and that was quite enough, so I abandoned that name.

For the sake of anyone else looking to make a name for themselves in the Witness Protection Program, I'll save you some time by saying don't bother with these names: Sammy Gravano, John Gotti Jr., Robert Mugabe, Abraham Lincoln, Sharon Tate, Tommy Chong, Sid Vicious, Martha Stewart, Charles Taylor, Jack Ruby, Slobodan Milosevic, and William McKinley. Not all received threats of bodily harm, but all had more than their share of problems and I wasn't quick to trade Rok Finger's for them.

All this was quite interesting, if for no other reason, I found out the FBI has a limited warranty when it comes to Witness Protection. Earlier this past week they threw themselves into laundry bags, tossed themselves into the back of a van, and disappeared in the night with no other explanation. Camembert said he believed I had taken more than my fair share of new identities, and since I was adamant on giving up my column anyway, they didn't believe it was prudent to waste their time creating another one for me. Which is just as well. I was born a Finger, I'll die a Finger, and perhaps very soon. I still have my mob problem to solve.

Fortunately, I still have my new home in Tempe, Arizona. It is a bit arid, and the commute to commune offices in New Jersey is a bit trying, but it's easily safe from the mob. I would like to see how the mob would even guess I, Rok Finger, now live in Tempe Arizona.

º Last Column: Witness the Healing Power of Protection
º more columns