peration Enduring Freedom, President Bush's fantasy about one dyslexic man-boy's quest to liberate Iraq from the tyranny of a dangerous criminal mastermind, claimed four Oscars last Sunday, including best adapted screenplay. The script was adapted from his father George Herbert Walker Bush's record-grossing Operation Desert Storm, which took home nine Academy Awards in 1991, including Best Special Effects and Best Costumes.

In a tearful acceptance speech marked by his endearing broken English, the president thanked God, his campaign contributors, Big Oil, Tammy Wynette, God "and anyone who's ever had a dream."

After a heart-rending string of several moments when Bush forgot why he was at the podium, the president ended his speech with a salute to the father, the son and the holy thing before wandering away from the podium muttering about bombing Turkey.

Iraq was clearly the subject on everyone's mind for the night, as many of the award winners made remarkable antiwar statements and peppered their acceptance speeches with deeply moving commentary.

"At times like this we need to honor the real heroes," gushed a teary-eyed Best Actress Nicole Kidman. "The men and women who keep this country great by playing soldiers in major motion pictures, reminding us what it's like to die for your country, or the country where you make money. People like Josh Hartnett. I wish he were here tonight, to celebrate with us."

Hartnett, who was in the men's room getting a blowjob at the time of the speech, took the honor in stride. "Nah man, I'm not a hero. When we were out filming in Bosnia, the catering people were the real heros. Those bagel sandwiches were awesome."

After Kidman's moving speech, host Steve Martin lightened the mood by announcing that Hartnett would be starring this summer in Pearl Harbor II: America Bombs the Sand People with Bruce Willis and John Leguizamo.

Director Steven Spielberg, on hand in case any spare Oscars went unclaimed, raised the consciousness of the room when he spoke out against Saddam Hussein's use of human shields in the early stages of the war. "America has no choice but to remove from power a leader who would put thousands of innocent people in harm's way by not putting all of his tanks and things out in the desert where we can blow them up easy like last time. He gives us no choice but to attack and kill civilians so that we might liberate them." Spielberg's comments were met with loud applause from an audience that contained suspiciously few survivors from the United States' bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945.

Best Documentary Film winner Michael Moore drew angry boos from the fickle crowd for his anti-war statements, leading some to speculate that the audience wasn't actually listening to the words and was just cheering for the general attractiveness of the speakers.

Best Supporting Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones also spoke out against the war in her brief acceptance speech:

"Fuck you all, I'm pregnant."

In a surprise humanitarian move, Miramax head Harvey Weinstein announced that all of Miramax's eighteen Oscar-winning films will be re-released to the theaters this month, in an effort to help Americans cope with the stresses of war.

Theentangled world of celebrity indictments grew thicker this week with questions arising concerning an alleged money-laundering scam involving popular '80s contemporary rock star Don Johnson. Johnson, most famous for his 1986 Billboard top 5 hit "Heartbeat," denied the accusations unequivocally.

According to an unnamed German source we're calling Sigfried, Johnson was found carrying $8 billion in cash, bonds, and share certificates which sparked an investigation of money laundering by authorities. Evidence verifying or nullifying the claim has been slow to surface.

Johnson, a successful '80s pop vocalist/songwriter, called the rumors "ill-founded and farcical," though outside sources claim the actual quote was "farcical and ill-founded." According to the stylish, gravel-voiced singer, the unfounded accusations have already caused him embarrassment and irreparable career damage: Two credit card accounts have been closed for investigation and the Epic record label has dropped the artist, approximately 2 weeks to 14 years ago.

The charges seem compounded in the wake of other celebrity criminal news, including the ongoing preliminary trial of actor Robert Blake for the murder of wife Bonnie Lee Bakley, as well as the shoplifting trial of Winona Ryder and implications of extortion and mafia connections to kung fu master Steven Seagal. Statistics invented quite recently suggest the American public has grown weary of celebrity scandal and grows more inclined to believe charges, even when presented without evidence.

Johnson became a dominant force in contemporary rock with his 1986 album Heartbeat and the eponymous single, which rose high on Billboard charts and established a new soundscape for late-'80s rock. Aided by Johnson's dry golden hair and rugged, stubble-laden good looks, as well as his penchant for sockless pastel slacks and sport jackets, Johnson's strong feel for powerful synth music and evocative lyrics established him as a rising star in rock. However, a lag in returning to the studio made Johnson's work on the similar Let it Roll sound dated and familiar in 1989. The popularity of his music paved the way for Johnson's work in other projects, such as TV's detective show Miami Vice and Melanie Griffith. Johnson became reclusive after the disappointment of his follow-up album, rarely appearing movies, refusing to do interviews, and accepting a role in a Friday night CBS television series.

Hopes for a musical comeback diminish in the wake of the money-laundering allegations. Some insiders suggest Johnson, a perfectionist with his music, had been working on his follow-up album since 1992 in a secretive sound studio in Los Angeles, foregoing his well-established "Miami sound." Others say plans for a project for a Traveling Wilburys-type supergroup with Bruce Willis, David Hasselhoff, Jim McMahon, and Dogstar bassist Keanu Reeves have been indefinitely sidelined.

It's the holiday time here at Child Star headquarters, and that always means one thing: I'm fucked.

Yep, our annual tradition of me being fucked is steady and true on this end. It turns out they lost the house, mom and dad. I kept telling them you have to pay for a house even when you're not living in it, you can't just come back there and live in it any time you want. On the plus side, it's the first argument I've ever won.

Regardless of how it happened, Christmas is being held in my apartment this year, by default. Who needed that headache? As if seeing these people one time every year wasn't enough psychological damage.

I tried to get into the spirit, I honestly did. I even started drinking bourbon the day after Thanksgiving, like dad always does, only I didn't do it right up until Thanksgiving like he does. It was a nice relaxer, I almost didn't even freak out when they dragged in the top of that Rockefeller Plaza Christmas tree in here. I don't care if it's so big they'll never notice the top is gone, dad, it doesn't make it right. The thing won't even fit through the door.

I made him take it back and got that plastic tree. Dad went all "real tree" on us a few years back, so fortunately I had the plastic one from when we were growing up. I didn't even notice it was made out of recycled army men he burned together until I was about 9 or 10, and by then I was so cynical I didn't even believe in Santa. But besides the sharp points and the horrid misery of war we're constantly reminded of when we look at it, it's a charming little tree.

Then I saw this after school special where this kid made his own Christmas presents for everyone and they all said they liked them more than if he had bought them—suckers! Wow, that shit is rich. Some dildo totally stiffs you on presents and hands you some shit he made at a county fair table and you bawl all over it and even give him a little pity. I said I got to try that. My only problem was I don't make anything too good, a few pounds of crystal meth and fine-cut heroin, maybe, but that's hard to wrap. Plus, dad's on probation, and he may be a pain in the ass, but he's still my dad and I don't want him getting fucked by some "3 strikes" rule.

So I decided to make everybody hatracks. But I kind of came out the loser in the end, since we only had one broom and that's what I make hatracks out of. I had to steal the commune's broom (the mop was some foreign guy who made a lousy hatrack) and still that left me having to buy extra brooms just to make a hatrack. I could have just given brooms as a gift, I didn't come out ahead at all. Oh, shit! I just now thought I could have stolen the commune hatrack. That would have been sweet. What was that guy's name anyway? Paulo?

The big news, what may make all this hooplah worth it, my sister and her butch friend Steve said they were coming over for Christmas dinner. My sister might bluff her way out of dinner with my parents, but she never lies, so I have a good feeling about it. They've never met Steve before either (she insists her name is "Stephan," but you look at her sometime and call it) so I guess they'll be getting a big serving of "your daughter's a lesbian" for Christmas. Then again, Steve isn't the most feminine of broads, so maybe the whole thing will go undetected.

Of course, there could be a major free-for-all between my sister and Steve and my parents. What do you know, I'm getting in the Christmas mood already.

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