ast night’s Academy of Terrorism Awards show was a disappointment to all, as the coveted Terrorist of the Year award was won by no-show Osama bin Laden. The awards show, held at the Pentagon in Washington, D.C., in fact failed to supply any of the terrorists who won awards.

“Obviously, we’re sad to see not one of the big winners this year turned out,� said Special Forces Commander Joe Don Dawson, presenter of this year’s Outstanding Terrorist Event award. “It’s a huge shame. But really, it was sort of a longshot anyway. I mean, that they’d show up.�

Dawson then gave a hand signal and several dozen black-clad commandoes rappelled down the side of the auditorium walls, disassembling their weapons and moving single file to the exits.

Some news sources have claimed the Terrorism Awards show is an overt attempt to lure bin Laden and other Al Qaeda terrorist network officials out of hiding so the U.S. government can apprehend them.

“Who told you—“ started President George W. Bush, then correcting himself in a calm manner, responded, “Of course not. The Academy of Terrorism presents these awards annually for outstanding, uh… you know, excellencism in the field of terrorism and such.�

According to other news sources, despite the president’s claim, this is the first year on record for the Terrorism Awards show. In fact, no address for the Academy of Terrorism could be verified, and names given as leaders of the Academy are all obvious joke names like “Seymour Cox� and “Jacques Trap.�

If the Academy of Terrorism and the Awards show are both genuine, it stands as a great coincidence all recipients of this year’s “Boomie� awards were also on the U.S. Most Wanted Terrorists list recently released by President Bush.

he Supreme Being, variously known throughout the world as God, Jehovah, Allah and other aliases, admits to fumbling the San Francisco Giants' chances for post-season play in the recent Friday night game against the Los Angeles Dodgers. It was a mistake that was more costly than -- and almost as memorable as -- the time Jose Canseco had a fly ball bounce off his head and over the fence for a home run. Score that E-Almighty One.

"Yeah, I guess I kind of fucked up on that one," Mr. Being said with a sheepish, omniscient grin. "What happened was, I got so excited by seeing Barry Bonds break McGwire's home run record that I like totally forgot that they needed to win that night to stay in the pennant race. The plan had been for them to win all three games against the Dodgers, while I was going to have Arizona lose a couple to the Milwaukee Brewers, then I would favor the Giants in the one-game playoff against Arizona, but I guess that's all just academic now."

God admitted that He was a bit sidetracked by Bonds' repeated entreaties for help in breaking the home run mark, and his pointing to the sky and thanking Him every time he crossed home plate.

"We got caught up in a couple of those 'You da man,' 'No, YOU da man!' exchanges, and I just lost track of the larger scheme of things. Plus, I was still pretty pissed at the failure of the Houston Astros to pitch to him until the very last at-bat of that series down at Enron Field, and I've been busy devising ways for them to suffer next season. How does a plague of locusts in the infield and a couple of nine-game losing streaks for that bunch of Nancy-boys sound?"

When it was pointed out that Houston made the playoffs this year by virtue of the Giants having lost, He replied, with a hint of irritation, "Look, just because I'm omniscient doesn't mean I can be everywhere at once, all right?"

Another factor, God said, was the length of the game. He also suggested that alcohol may have played a part in his team-deflating error.

"Man, that game went hella long," He said, while shaking his eternally unfathomable head. "Excuse me, I should've said 'hecka long,' heh. But besides that, I'd had a few brewskies by the time the late innings arrived. In fact, quite a few, to say the least. So, you know, I was maybe a little asleep at the switch. But hey, at least I wasn't driving or operating heavy machinery, if you know what I'm saying."

The Lord then abruptly ended the interview, saying he had a lot on his mind lately, and really just needed "a couple aspirin and some quiet down time." Reporters were left with His spokes-object, a charred and smoldering bush that refused to answer any further questions.

The Greek philosopher Plato introduced most of us to the concept of Atlantis through his writings and limericks in ancient times. Others didn't hear about it until they made it into a happy meal. But regardless of its origins, Atlantis is a concept that has fascinated man for ages, like deodorant socks.

Plato described Atlantis as a 24-hour party island located west of the Mediterranean, by most interpretations. This is an idea that has stuck, because it sounds fun and everybody digs party islands. Others have interpreted his writings to indicate that Atlantis was anything from a cheese-filled Danish to a promiscuous teenage girl who, borrowing a term from the modern poet, was Plato's "Cherry Pie." But since many of these interpreters never actually bothered to learn ancient Greek, we're going to stick with the party island theory.

Throughout the ages much debate has arisen over the location of Atlantis. Many scholars have argued that it simply doesn't exist, and that Plato was just yanking our spank. Other scholars have argued that fuck you, what do you know about Plato, you spank-yankers? A third group of scholars called for a more civilized debate, and were pantsed.

Many others believe the remains of Atlantis make up the Bahamas, thanks to a famous 1932 reading by Edgar Cayce of striking-out baseball fame. In 1969, geometric stone slabs were found underwater at Bimini in the Bahamas that seemed to add credence to this theory. Believers claimed they were part of an ancient Atlantian roadway, while skeptics argued that's fucking crazy.

In 1970 Dr. Ray Brown claimed that he was scuba diving near the Bari Islands when he found a huge underwater pyramid that was lit from within. Without missing a beat, skeptics argued that he was the one lit from within, and they had to be shushed. Inside the pyramid he allegedly found a crystal sphere, which he said gave him God-like powers. Unfortunately, he couldn't show the sphere to anyone or exhibit the powers in any way, since that would be hot-dogging. While many respect the cleverness of his hot-dogging defense, few believe Dr. Ray actually found the crystal, or graduated from high school. The piece of shit Datsun he still drives to this day would seem to prove them right on both counts.

Some fringe theorists believe that Antarctica is actually Atlantis, and that the island boogied on south when the earth's crust slipped, in ancient times. Despite charges that they're the ones who had their crust slip, believers of this theory point to an ancient Egyptian map that shows Atlantis near the current location of Antarctica, and gives the island a shape corresponding closely to the land mass only-recently known to exist beneath Antarctica's ice. This amazing evidence might be more convincing if the map itself did not have a "Crazy Maze" game printed on the back, however.

Other theorists argue that Atlantis is located in silly places like Mexico or England, but most of them just want to be loved. One tantalizing theory has it that Atlantis was actually a nearby planet which exploded, most likely from placing too much faith in people like Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck.

In 2001, scientists searching for a cure for baldness made an extraordinary find off the coast of Cuba. Sonar imaging revealed a vast plateau of geometric rock formations 2,200 feet below the surface, hinting at pyramids, roads, buildings, and several Starbucks. This begs the question: Will this finally be the elusive proof of Atlantis that crackpots have spend ages in search of?

No.

º Last Column: Sand in the Vaseline: The History of Iraq
º more columns