ith the Tuesday release of actress Claire Danes' book, My So-Called Sex Life a new wave of attention has been focused on the damage young actor and possible space creature Leonardo DiCaprio is doing to the lives of Hollywood's young actresses. When this reporter spoke recently with Danes, she was in a near-catatonic state.

 "I just want everybody to know that Leo and I didn't DO anything on the set of Romeo and Juliet. We were just in the same movie together. Hell, most of our scenes were filmed separately, it was all camera tricks that made it seem like we were in bed together, I swear! Somebody, please sleep with me!" said Danes, bursting into tears.

This pitiful scene is being repeated all across Tinseltown as young actresses who've shared the screen with DiCaprio find that men now fear to touch them. Some even cross the street to avoid them, sometimes against swift traffic. This reaction seems to be genetically ingrained in the male sex, an unspoken knowledge that something is not quite right with the young actor, and that even the slightest contact with him leaves a woman strictly undateable. This Curse has extended even to girls who sat in the same classroom with DiCaprio in grade school and singer Alanis Morissette, who once stated in an interview that her astrological sign was Leo.

Most women seem to be strangely immune to DiCaprio's nauseating effects. Some even claim to find him attractive, a tendency that baffles psychologists and medical doctors alike.

"It is my professional opinion that DiCaprio exudes toxic pheromones from tiny ducts behind his ears," noted neurologist P. William Clydesdale commented on the phenomenon. "These pheromones act to confuse the female's neurological systems, resulting in a dizzy sense of confusion and impaired reasoning. As to why these pheromones do not effect the males of the species, my educated guess is that the average male's desire to pop DiCaprio's head like a blister results in increased levels of endorphins in the blood stream, which counteracts the pheromones."

An accurate assessment of how many young careers have been ruined by the Curse of DiCaprio cannot be made, since County health officials have been unable to find any male subjects who can name any films other than Titanic in which DiCaprio has appeared.

DiCaprio's co-star in Titanic, actress Kate Winslet, was very direct when asked how the Curse has effected her career: "No talk. Eat now."

There is a bright hope on the horizon, however. Recent reports have indicated that actress Chloe Svengali is the first documented female to be immune to DiCaprio's insidious pheromones. She has vowed publicly to track down all actresses in upcoming DiCaprio projects, in an effort to warn them before they make any terrible mistakes.

ASA scientists met with a crack team of cultural anthropologists in New York today to discuss the trend of 1980's revivalism, a fad now determined to be a serious threat to the survival of the human race if not brought under control within the next seven years.

"I'd say we've got five years, seven at the outside, before we devolve into marrow-eating cave people once again. Should this trend continue unchecked at it's current rate, the human race is whipped, and whipped good," commented Daniel Furgelman, cultural director for the Smithsonian Institute.

"And if I hear 'Come On Eileen' one more time, I'm going to fucking puke," added Furgelman.

Spin Magazine columnist Kirk Jaded explains the phenomenon:

"It started, of course, with the 80's themselves. The culture of the day was not a threat at the time since it was confined safely to the actual decade of the 1980's. Only later, in the mid-90's, with the advent of Rhino Records' "Awesome 80's" CD collection, did the cultural zeitgeist begin to pull a massive U-turn and head back to it's unfortunate past. Cover versions of 80's standards by irresponsible alternative groups like Save Ferris, Marilyn Manson, Hole and Reel Big Fish only compounded the problem, fooling an entire generation of young music fans into thinking that the 80's were actually, as the youth are fond of saying, 'cool'. This has sounded a death knoll for one of the greatest civilizations ever to walk the face of the earth."

Today's meeting of the CFGOI (The Committee to Fucking Get On With It) was to act as a think-tank to develop means of turning around the current trend. Demonstrators picketed in front of the Committee's headquarters, most of whom admitted to being VH1 stockholders. Documented proposals included Public Service Announcements from prominent 80's figures like Kirk Cameron and Howard Jones to warn kids of the dangers of thinking the 80's were cool, the silencing of Mexican radio and constant airings of the television programs "Mama's Family" and "Small Wonder" in America's classrooms.

"Education is the key," stated Manley Farber, the committee's loudmouth. "If we bring enough kids into actual contact with Boy George, we may just have this thing licked."

So it's no surprise, everybody's been talking about the same thing for two weeks now: My dad broke out of jail. It's high time I gave everybody the facts to stop these vicious rumors.

Okay, for one, yes, he broke out, but my mom had already posted the bail just before the breakout occurred, so technically he shouldn't even be wanted at this point. You can't tell me five minutes makes a difference between him being legally bonded and on the run from the law. The police tell me that, but we both know the real deal.

And two, that guy dropped his gun so that charge of stealing an officer's weapon is complete bullshit. If I dropped a pencil and you picked it up, you didn't steal it, did you? Right, it's finders-keepers law, and everybody knows it. That cop is just embarrassed because he couldn't hang onto his gun when dad pushed him.

Third, and this is the big one for me, my mom dropped the charges against him. Technically, shouldn't that start some kind of Back to the Future time unraveling deal where dad never went to jail because the charges never existed? So all these surplus charges shouldn't be there either. I saw It's a Wonderful Life enough times to know that chain reaction shit.

It's all that dildo Freddie Mercury's fault. Not the singer from Queen Freddie Mercury, I think he's dead, but that jackass wanna-be pimp friend of dad's Freddie Mercury. That guy just seems to come out of the woodwork whenever my dad's in a spot and he's always trouble. Dad was perfectly willing to wait the extra day until he made bail, then that Freddie Mercury started talking up all this crap about being outlaws. So one thing leads to another, Freddie Mercury rips the door off the cell with his A.T.V., and now the two of them are on the run to Tijuana. Dad doesn't even speak Spanish so it's particularly stupid.

Sure, the cops will catch him, and he'll probably get a lawyer who can plea-bargain him down to pushing a cop with extreme prejudice, but it just pisses me off. Stuff about my dad keeps coming over the wire and all the commune staffers give me shit about it. "Hey, Clarissa, that white guy with the fade, he looks kind of like you." Yeah, I know that, Ramon. He's even got the same last name, you prick, you're just rubbing it in.

The end result is that I can't watch America's Most Wanted, Cops, or any of my other favorite shows until he's back in custody 'cause it's too embarrassing. We already recognize my Uncle Luke on an episode at least once a year, no way I need to add to that humiliation.

At least Fox News and the 24-hour stations are all busy reporting on this Iran stuff. The last thing I need is for those news dorks to interrupt Headline News to show another police chase involving my dad and Freddie Mercury. These bloodsuckers at the commune never fail to drag that one out of the closet and reminisce every time someone's had a few beers. "Hey, remember that time Clarissa's dad and that guy in the jumpsuit stole that 7-Up truck?" Yeah, everyone remembers, Ramon, just let it be.

If dad does make it to Mexico at least it won't be on the news, since no one here cares what happens in Mexico. The down side to that is that mom will continue living with me and driving me crazy until who knows when. It seems like no matter what I do, I'm screwed. But if you do see my dad, please report him to the local police. Just tell the press it's Carlos Nootles.

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