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BENSON WINS!Former butler upsets incumbent Governor of unnamed state January 5, 2001 |
The East Coast Tony Fuggit/AP Former Butler Benson DuBois
Patient voters in the state have waited since 1986 for the new Governor to be named, when Benson DuBois, former Lt. Governor of the state, ran a "very close race" against the state's incumbent Governor James Gatling, whom he had worked under since fall of 1979. The two were very close friends over the years, which made the race very comedic for all, with moments of poignant drama.
"This has been a long, trying time for us all," DuBois said in a press conference in the state capitol yesterday. "Fortunately, before the results were announced, the Governor and I reflect...
t long last the recount is over, and former Lt. Governor Benson DuBois has been named Governor of the state in which he resides, which could not be ascertained at press time. Patient voters in the state have waited since 1986 for the new Governor to be named, when Benson DuBois, former Lt. Governor of the state, ran a "very close race" against the state's incumbent Governor James Gatling, whom he had worked under since fall of 1979. The two were very close friends over the years, which made the race very comedic for all, with moments of poignant drama. "This has been a long, trying time for us all," DuBois said in a press conference in the state capitol yesterday. "Fortunately, before the results were announced, the Governor and I reflected fondly on all the capers we've had since our debut in politics and have pledged to support the winner, who we can now safely say is me. Now if that lunkhead Clayton and the people will agree to do the same, we can move this great state forward into the next millenium." Benson, as he is commonly known, has delighted audiences of political candidacies everywhere with his rags-to-riches tale that is almost too lucky to be believed. Starting off as the Governor's butler in 1979, he is frequently suspected to have played a major role in all aspects of state policy and concerns. Eventually Benson was appointed Lt. Governor, where his role in politics increased even as situations became even wackier. Benson has also given back to the community, teaching his illiterate basketball star nephew how to read and educating the Governor's daughter on the dangers of sneaking out to go to a rock concert. The new Governor-Elect is expected to appoint major state positions in the next few weeks, including Gretchen Krause as the Secretary of Staying the Hell Out of My Face. When pressed for comment, the Governor-Elect would not disclose what state he presides over. the commune News is not part of the Jew-run media but does enjoy several Jew-run bingo games and massage parlors. Lil Duncan is the commune's senior correspondent and a really boring verse of "The Name Game."
 | Gore Petitions Supreme Court: "BULLSHIT!"Gore pleads in vain to have election declared "Bullshit!" December 14, 2000 |
Washington, D.C. Mac Tiggly/AP Vice President Al Gore
"You know it, the American people know it, who are you kidding?" Gore stated in a formal request before the Supreme Court. "I believe the American people have spoken, and though a clear mandate has not been issued, I am willing to accept the appointment of George W. Bush as our next President. I only ask of you--come on!"
The declaration of "Bullshit!," though it would not affect the outcome of the election at all, would reportedly ease the mind of Gore and Gore supporters and Democrats of the nation as a whole.
"You know it's bull...
he presidential election of 2000 now clearly decided in favor of George W. Bush, Vice President Al Gore pleaded in vain for the Supreme Court to declare the election "Bullshit!" "You know it, the American people know it, who are you kidding?" Gore stated in a formal request before the Supreme Court. "I believe the American people have spoken, and though a clear mandate has not been issued, I am willing to accept the appointment of George W. Bush as our next President. I only ask of you--come on!" The declaration of "Bullshit!," though it would not affect the outcome of the election at all, would reportedly ease the mind of Gore and Gore supporters and Democrats of the nation as a whole. "You know it's bullshit," Gore told the Supreme Court. "Now you owe it to your conscience, and to the American people, to make it a matter of public record." Gore, who is the only presidential candidate of the twentieth century to win the popular vote and lose the election in the electoral college, is being called a "sore loser" by Republican party officials and several bumperstickers on worn-down Ford pickups. "This is just another case of a hen staying in the coop long after the rooster done got gone," President-Elect Bush mused, sitting on the porch in a rocking chair in shit-smattered overalls with a large piece of straw in his mouth. Bush mopped his forehead with a greasy bandana and added, "Show's over, fella. Time to pack up and let me be president. There's always another 'lection in six years." Without a clear majority of the voting population behind him, the W. Bush presidency already stands on shakey ground. A declaration of "bullshit!" would put an even darker cloud over the incoming hillbilly. "It is not the nature, nor the duty of the Supreme Court to call bullshit bullshit," stated Chief Justice William Rhenquist, believed to be responsible for major bullshit himself. "It is an issue for the American people. We amongst the Court can not even agree ourselves, who are we to declare? O'Connor says it's horseshit; Breyer claims it's made him apeshit." Rhenquist then excused himself to the Supreme Court chambers, where Clarence Thomas was being forced to dance for nickels. The Supreme Court is expected to hand down an official ruling within the next week, although the decision is already being described as "fucked up." Red Bagel is the commune's fearless news editor and unabashed window shopper. Ramon Nootles is not fucking around with you, got it?
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 March 31, 2003 Beautiful TubaWell commune family, Boris is saddest to say Secret Valentine is not popping up like popping tarts. Louis tell Boris that Valentine is kidnapped and far away, sad story. Is figures for Boris, story of forbidden love is Boris life. Like time Boris is in love with persons in naked movie, but them is forbidden from to answer Boris telegram. Is story like in sad book.
But Boris find other solution! Boris play music of love on beautiful tuba.
Boris buys tuba at store for supporting Salavating Army. Going in to find next book of mysteries, latest adventures of Hardy Boys. Is fun. And holy look at this! Is huge gold thing which Boris does not know. Boris ask man what for, is for peeing? No, says man. Is for tubaing. Oh, says Boris. No shits? But what is this tubaing?
º Last Column: Hello Secret Valentine
º more columns
Well commune family, Boris is saddest to say Secret Valentine is not popping up like popping tarts. Louis tell Boris that Valentine is kidnapped and far away, sad story. Is figures for Boris, story of forbidden love is Boris life. Like time Boris is in love with persons in naked movie, but them is forbidden from to answer Boris telegram. Is story like in sad book.
But Boris find other solution! Boris play music of love on beautiful tuba.
Boris buys tuba at store for supporting Salavating Army. Going in to find next book of mysteries, latest adventures of Hardy Boys. Is fun. And holy look at this! Is huge gold thing which Boris does not know. Boris ask man what for, is for peeing? No, says man. Is for tubaing. Oh, says Boris. No shits? But what is this tubaing?
That is when man picks up tuba and makes beautiful sounds with mouth and tuba. Boris knows right then he must have such things.
And then thing happens! Kids is stealing giant pair of jeans from store. Jeans so big for persons of amazing size, is funny. Kids is laughing and running out of store with jeans, so man chases them like "I will marry your mothers and have sexes with them, small bastards!"
This is when Boris is alone in store. Hooray for Boris! Today tuba is free!
Boris walk home while making beautiful sounds on street, and people look at Boris like wondering how persons make such sounds so nice.
Boris coming home and play beautiful music of love for to cheer up Louis. Louis not like beautiful music of love, him say sounds like beautiful buffalo is dying.
But other persons is larger fans of music than Louis. Persons on bus are loud with appreciation. Also, neighbors cheer for Boris and show love of music with banging on walls.
One day Louis say for Boris to take tubaing lesson, to play song instead of "Honk-honk-honk" all times. Boris try to explain, is honking song written by Boris, but like said, Louis is not in love with musics.
Things go good for week, with much happiness in air. Is beautiful time of music like in movie with Mozard. Boris hears birds chirping and honks with them beautiful song, but birds are afraid of big bird that is Boris and leave. Is funny.
One morning Boris go to play "Good Morning!" song on tuba, but when blow there is no music. Only is sound like fat persons is whispering for more foods. Boris try hitting to fix tuba, but is not good. Finally Boris look inside big tuba hole, and there is tail in tuba! Thinking hardly, Boris cannot remember that there is tail in tuba before then. Don't not think so. Looking closer, Boris sees the bad news. There is dead opossum in tuba! Oh no for Boris and tuba!
How such things does happen? Impossible to know. Louis think opossum must love Boris musics so much he try to climb in and eat some. Then he is stuck and dead. So sad for opposum. And is for tuba! Since Louis say opposum germ will make Boris sick in the ass, it is goodbye to tuba. Boris love musics yes, but Boris love not being dead the most.
Is sad morning, but life does not stop. More happy day is coming, for Boris is looking for to buy kazoo! See, beautiful instrument is too small for animals to fit inside to die. Yay for music! º Last Column: Hello Secret Valentineº more columns | 
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Quote of the Day“Love, love will tear us apart again. So quit telling those jocks we both like it in the butt.”
-Joy DivinskiFortune 500 CookieYou will spend so much time with your foot in your mouth this week, people will mistake it for performance art. Beat the living shit out of the first person who calls you "buddy" today—best to nip that shit in the bud. Your only remaining shot at true happiness now is joining a cult or getting hooked on heroin: your call. This week's lucky midgets: "Stretch" Svorsded, Suitcase Mike, Jimmy "Dogslapper" McVaughn, Upskirt Kilgore, Ross "The Toss" Ramstein.
Try again later.Top Phil Spector Trial Revelations| 1. | Spector threatens to shoot all his visitors in the mouth if they leave—get the fuck over it already | | 2. | Middle-aged Spector traded "Wall of Sound" for "Wall of Hair" | | 3. | Yes, everyone in L.A. really is as crazy as you've heard | | 4. | Spector goes through pizza delivery guys like you wouldn't believe | | 5. | No you're thinking of "Help Me Rhonda," "Da Doo Ron Ron" goes "I met him on a Monday and my heart stood still, Da do ron ron ron, da do ron ron" | |
|   Shooting Turns Comic When Bumbling Teens Shoot Each Other in Hilarious Double-Homicide Hi-Jinks BY wyatt chomski 10/14/2002 The Lover of BonerbrookeThe sun was smoldering a warm blood red, but with more orange, near the horizon as Chaska bent delicately over the basin and cut loose a powerful stream of half-digested salmon. A bit of salmon, anyway, a bite, which had served as the fishy icing on top of a gargantuan feast of cupcakes, pies, pure Bolivian chocolate, ice cream, strawberries, pastries, raw cookie dough, pickles, glazed ham, Valentine's Day truffles, flapjacks, pork roast, gingerbread, aerosol whipped topping, potatoes in cheese sauce, beef tips, Twinkie filling and a tall glass of gravy, all of which Chaska had stuffed down her delicately sculpted throat and crammed into her petite, dainty stomach in the last three quarters of an hour.
As Chaska tended to her ravishing figure, the setting sun nuzzled up agains...
The sun was smoldering a warm blood red, but with more orange, near the horizon as Chaska bent delicately over the basin and cut loose a powerful stream of half-digested salmon. A bit of salmon, anyway, a bite, which had served as the fishy icing on top of a gargantuan feast of cupcakes, pies, pure Bolivian chocolate, ice cream, strawberries, pastries, raw cookie dough, pickles, glazed ham, Valentine's Day truffles, flapjacks, pork roast, gingerbread, aerosol whipped topping, potatoes in cheese sauce, beef tips, Twinkie filling and a tall glass of gravy, all of which Chaska had stuffed down her delicately sculpted throat and crammed into her petite, dainty stomach in the last three quarters of an hour.
As Chaska tended to her ravishing figure, the setting sun nuzzled up against the horizon, burning a deeper red, darker and darker, seeming to pulse as it sought refuge from the barren sky in one blissful, sinful, erotically inevitable plunge below. Finally, with a sigh whispered on the breeze, the earth surrendered and allowed the sun to penetrate its horizon, thrusting its fiery, molten love into the earth's ample back hills.
Wiping an errant fleck of ham skin from her bottom lip, Chaska lathered her porcelain hands and splashed the bracingly cold water on her taut, naked body. Running her hands over her impossibly sensuous figure, both elegant and voluptuous, yet surprisingly athletic all at once, she gazed longingly into the mirror, awaiting her lover's touch like a Saint Bernard waiting for a rawhide bone to come out of the pet store bag.
Alas, it was a touch that could never come, since Lance had perished all those long months ago, defending her honor against a street vendor who had insisted on exact change. Still in mourning, Chaska pulled on the lacey, semi-transparent panties she had worn throughout her bereavement and marveled one last time at her awe-inspiring body, which she'd always enjoyed without ever working out but had never let go to her head. She slipped into a slinky, backless evening gown that she liked to wear when she was lamenting a lost love, for the comforting way it hugged her curves and cradled her breasts like a sterling serving platter, as she prepared for another night of remembering Lance.
Just then, there was a noise at the door, and Chaska twirled around to discover Bane Ratham, the white-hot multimillionaire hunk that everyone knew really ran things behind the scenes in Bonerbrooke, standing in the open doorway. His shirt torn in an erotic fashion and his taut, beefy man-tits heaving, it was obvious he had run straight from town on foot, possibly not stopping to open Chaska's front gate.
"Chaska," Bane panted, out of breath in a manly, erotic fashion, not like a wheezing asthmatic. "It struck me while I was out working up a manly sweat, mentoring orphaned Chinese boys, that I couldn't bear to live another second of my life without you. I came here as fast as I could. Sorry about your gate."
Chaska melted inside and instantly swooned from the overwhelming eroticness of it all, but instead of falling, she found herself cradled in Bane's bulging arms, like a pair of boobs in an evening gown. "Quench my burning fire, Chaska," Bane pleaded, his smoky gray eyes fixed on Chaska's soul like snipers of love. Chaska nodded a dazed nod and reached for her diaphragm before Bane gently stopped her hand.
"But first, I want you to marry me," Bane whispered, gesturing to a shirtless, rock-hard, desperately hot priest standing in the doorway, his white collar cutting repressively into his bulging, well-tanned neck. "This is my brother Dave, he's a priest."
Chaska drank in the priest with a long, taboo gaze. She glanced back up into Bane's smoldering eyes and smiled.
"Hello Dave," Chaska cooed, with a twinkle in her eye.   |
