pset that the domain name jerryfalwell.com is being used as a parody site to lampoon the words and actions of one of America's best-known televangelists, the Reverend Jerry Falwell is busy these days buying up domain names of his own to prevent any further satire from being posted on the Internet. Already he has purchased such names as jerryfalwellisaloudmouthasshole.com, jerryfalwellatemyballs.com and jerryfalwellsucksdonkeydick.com.

In addition to those names, he has also put money down to prevent such sites as jerryfalwelljerksoffgoats.com, jerryfalwelltakesituptheass.com and jerryfalwellisafuckingignorantshithead.com from becoming highly-visible web pages that might get hundreds of hits a day from well-meaning Christians seeking more information about him.

"I'm snapping those puppies up as fast as I can," Reverend Falwell was quoted as saying. "Right now I've got dozens more waiting in the wings. Just this morning, I sent checks to cover jerryfalwelltonguesmyanus.com, jerryfalwelleatsshitanddies.com, and one that I thought was really disturbing, jerryfalwellswallowshyenaspunk.com."

He went on to lament that "Good Christians everywhere have a right to be spared from this sort of filth. What do you think would happen if some innocent young person got on the Internet and, in trying to find out something about one of my pronouncements that God is going to punish America with a meteor or a severe hurricane because it allows homosexuals and abortionists to live, that young person accidentally clicked on jerryfalwellsuckedafartoutofmyass.com? Why, the whole moral fiber of this great country is at stake."

The most recent domain names purchased by Reverend Falwell have included jerryfalwellisafascistmotherfucker.com, jerryfalwellblowshimself.com, jerryfalwelldrownsinmenstrualjuices.com, and jerryfalwelllikesdaffodils.com.

Asked about that last name, Reverend Falwell explained, "Well, I do like daffodils, especially the yellow and white kind. I thought, since I'm buying a bunch of domain names anyway, why not get one that I like? I mean, have you ever seen how a big bunch of white and yellow daffodils can brighten up a room? I just love them. Them and sweetpeas. Oh, you should see what the room looks like when you get a bunch of white and yellow daffodils and mix in some sweetpeas that are all different colors. It's a glory to God, I'm telling you."

There was no word on whether Reverend Falwell's compatriot Pat Robertson would be purchasing any similar domain names in the near future, though this reporter did discover that an unkown person paid money recently for the rights to use patrobertsonisafuckingdickheadliar.com.

n the face of wildly escalating violence in Israel and Palestine, political commentators the world over have been looking to American President George W. Bush for a sign as to the path America will take in dealing with the Mideast crisis. After making an early dismissive statement about how at least the Palestinians don't have flight schools, Bush had been conspicuously quiet on the issue. Some observers theorized that the president was carefully weighing America's options before he made a public statement, while others argued that his attentions had been split between a new model train set and the Fox prime-time drama 24. Today's announcement might have proved either side correct.

In a press conference this morning, Bush unveiled plans for a new Office of Martyr Prevention, headed by syndicated radio call-in therapist Dr. Judy Kuriansky and manned by a staff of 300 licensed suicide-prevention professionals who will be available via a toll-free telephone number 24 hours a day.

"I have created the OMP in response to the internationalary outcry for American action to address the Mideast peacelessness," Bush stated. "Suicide bombers are threatening world peace and the time has come to find a solution. These young men and women need to be shown that there are other, better ways to express their anger and frustration than blowing up a Circle K with explosive underpants.The answer is not to perpetuate terroristical attacks of an inhumanitarian nature. I understand that the people of Palestine, and other miserable places I need not mention by name, need a shoulder to cry on. Now they know that America is there for them, over thousands of miles of telephone wires. No need to come here, we'll pick up the phone bill. There's nothing to blow up here that you couldn't blow up back home, anyway. Operators are standing by."

Dr. Judy Kuriansky accepted her appointment with a brief speech on the Mideast situation. "It's time to break the cycle of violence. The time has come for Palestinian youth to understand that the dark, dead pit of bile in their chests is not the bitterness of living in a relocation slum or the dull ache of hunger, nor is it some tiny embryonic Jew implanted in their chests that's gnawing at their internal organs, regardless of what their newspapers tell them. It's the all-too-familiar ache of feelings yearning to be expressed.

"What we need here is communication. Palestine needs to stand up and say to Israel: 'It hurt my feelings when you kicked the snot out of our armed forces back in 1967.' And Israel needs to say to Palestine: 'Hey, asshole, if you hadn't attacked us then you wouldn't have lost all the land you're bitching about now. What's your freakin' problem, anyway?' And Palestine needs to say back to Israel: 'Listen, we never agreed to let you guys move in here in the first place, and now you're trying to force us all to move to Jordan. Fuck Jordan, Jordan sucks.' And then the UN needs to come over and slap them both on the back and say: 'Alright, you're all a bunch of assholes, but we need to do something about this or the rest of the world is going to run out of explosives.' Then the UN can take them both out and get them drunk and hope they have sex together and we end up with a bunch of Jewrab babies so nobody can tell who they're supposed to blow up any more. But my point is that communication is the key."

National reaction to today's announcement has been typically harsh, with many critics pointing out that there aren't any Circle K stores in the Middle East. At press time, OMP staffers had received three phone calls: two wrong numbers looking for Sears AutoCenter and a call from Iowa asking if it was possible to overdose on mini-marshmallows.

Reactions from Palestine have been even less promising, with Hamas leader Zaccaria Walid Akel promising a large cash reward for the family of the first suicide bomber to blow up OMP headquarters.

"God and I have an understanding. I don't argue He doesn't exist and he won't argue it about me."

You know how some people are really smart but they're no good at tests? I'm like that—no good at tests. I'm not good at remembering stuff or thinking of things real fast either, and I'm not really good at coming up with ideas of my own or knowing things that people just sort of know. But I'm really bad at tests.

Some people call it test anxiety, like where you get really worried about how you're going to do and forget all the stuff you know. But that's not it. I mean, if I knew the stuff and forgot it, that would be bad enough, but I have no clue what they're talking about. One teacher tried to tell me I was dyslexic, but I told him I don't really go to church at all. I can't believe God would be such a dick, if He exists, and take away all my knowledge of everything just to be spiteful. If that's the way he's going to be about it, I'm never going to church. Just to be spiteful.

I have gone to church before, technically. You always hear about how a church is supposed to be a place where anybody is welcome at any time of day or night, no restrictions, but they're just hypocrites. Next time you're driving home Sunday morning with a little whiskey still sloshing around in your gut drive up the steps and into their doors while the dude, the what you call him, is giving his big God speech. See if you'll be welcome then. I can tell you first hand you won't.

Every once in a while I feel bad about what I've done, or what I am, or the box of Cracker Jacks I got that didn't have no surprise in it, but it's not like I need someone to tell me it's God's plan or something dumb to make me feel better. It doesn't make any more sense to me that God thinks it's funny there's no prize in my snacks exactly when I'm in the mood for a lick-on tattoo.

Just for laughs I went to a church once and the church guy there told me they were full. It didn't sound full, that's what I told him. He said it wasn't full, but they were closed for the holidays, and he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Then he pushed me off the steps and ran back inside. I could hear him locking the doors and him and his friends were laughing. What do you call them? Monks?

I guess I could take better tests if I read books and such. I tried reading the Bible but all that "begat" stuff really pissed me off. They introduce like a hundred and something characters in the first few pages. I'm not much of a reader, but I can tell you that's the kind of bad writing that can keep your screenplay from being produced. I still read about five pages of it, two columns on each, and then nobody ever tested me on it. So you can see why I don't ever want to read a book again just because they say there's going to be a test on it. You never know, they're probably lying.

Nine out of ten times they aren't, yeah. Maybe even ninety-nine out of 100. But reading, you know… it's boring.

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